Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Why You Shouldn’t Do Daily Devo’s

2012-01-20T18:20:00.001-06:00

At the beginning of the year, I committed to doing the daily devotion guide that was handed out at our church around Christmas time. There is a significant amount of reading each morning. I found it tough to get up early and do it. Yet as time has gone on I have found that I have settled into a rhythm. It actually feels like the normal thing to do.

I am not a very patient person. I wanted to feel like I was getting a message from God every morning. I wanted to understand something new and be able to quote something I learned on my blog. I wanted to ponder God’s word and feel wiser. That hasn’t happened.

Here is what I have noticed. I have this increasing awareness of my flaws and my broken state. I can’t link this to a specific scripture I have read. I just know that I am hyper-aware of all of the sin, failings, and empty places. I am aware of the dreams I had and have somehow abandoned. I am aware of the woman I said I wanted to be but I am not. It really sucks.

I am kidding (sort of) when I say you shouldn’t do daily devo’s. I know that this is a time of growth for me. I am not completely miserable. I don’t hate myself. I am just aware. I know that this awareness will turn into fruit eventually.

If God Were Walking Beside Me

2012-01-08T19:55:00.001-06:00

This week has been really hard. Getting up early every morning to do devotions is not easy. Add to that, I joined a challenge to work out 2012 minutes this month which is just over an hour a day. So getting up early and working out more has made me very tired. The devotions haven’t been immediately fulfilling. I thought I would have a take away every day or at least most days. That hasn’t happened for me.

I am hoping that the devotional discipline will be like working out. When I first started working out it was awkward and unnatural. I kept on because I had been given a program to follow. Eventually working out became more natural and I feel like something is missing when I don’t do it. I don’t always enjoy exercise, but I know it is something I need to do. In this case I am also following a reading plan. I am pondering the devotional thought each day along with many others from my church community. My hope is that it will become as engrained in me as exercise has.

One day the devotional thought was ‘what would you do if you God were walking beside you?’ Yes I know ‘God is with me’ but actually physically there? I don’t know. The question is overwhelming. That said it is a question I want to ponder and live by. Seems almost better than the good old ‘What would Jesus do?’

The Story of 2012

2011-12-31T22:32:00.001-06:00

In June I attended a two day conference called The Storyline Conference in Portland. Basically the idea is to think of your life as a story and if it were a story, what would you want that story to be?

When I wrote the recap of 2011, I found myself thinking of the story. There were ups and downs but overall, I made progress. So I want to tell the story of 2012. I know that the reality will end up being different but that’s okay.

Starting on New Year’s Day I will begin the practice of daily devotion by using the devotional we got at church. This will center my day and give the first part of it to God. I will make coffee and breakfast at home and do my devotion before I leave in the morning. I will also use this as the inspiration for weekly blog posts during the year.

Each day I will also track my food and I will exercise 4-5 times per week. As I get stronger with my running and working out I will take on new challenges. One of the challenges will be a 10k run. At some point in the year I will not only be able to show my progress through a fitness goal, but I will make it into onederland. At that point I will need to update my wardrobe so I will celebrate with a trip to the United States to shop.

Throughout the year I will actively work to be an encouragement to others. I will do this both in the areas of fitness and faith. I will reach out through Facebook, this blog, and in person. I will be honest about my struggles in an effort to allow others to be honest. I will listen for God’s leading to where He wants me to help others.

2011–The Year in Review

2011-12-28T17:40:00.001-06:00

It doesn’t seem like that long since I posted my goals for 2011. I decided to choose 11 goals that would propel me forward. They gave me direction. Although I have to say that most of them evolved, I am further along then I was last year. I will make some new goals for this year. They are already brewing in my mind. If I review this year’s goals, I think it will help me make even better goals for this year.

1. Run a 5K in under 40 minutes – I have continued to work on running. I will not have run a 5K in 40 minutes. What has happened for me this year is that I have done distances a bit further than 5K (three miles.) My longest distance so far is about 4.5 miles. I have found that if I try to push too hard, I end up injuring myself.

2. Spend one afternoon (or evening) per month taking pictures – I think I spent about four afternoons taking pictures. I loved doing it. I find it relaxing. I would like to get this back into my life somehow. I am not sure how to make it work.

3. Reduce my debt load by $8000 – a few trips this year made it difficult but I still reduced my debt load by $3800. I’ll get there.

4. Spend 5 minutes per day in prayer/meditation – this is an area where I can say I honestly fell down. I have a new plan for this year.

5. Have 6 outings per month with friends – I didn’t track this but I feel good about the amount of social activity in my life. To a great extent this year, being able to hang out with friends has sustained me

6. Make my front storage room into a more functional space – I actually did this! It is amazing to be able to walk in and out of there. I still have some work to do but it is much better

7. Spend one hour per week studying scripture – see #4

8. Attend Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in June – I did this and it still is shaping the way I think. It will also shape my resolutions for this year

9. Eat healthy meals 80% of the time – I tracked until March and I was doing okay. Then things fell down. I had some health challenges that forced me to stop working out and then I gave into some bad eating habits. I started being more active in June again and then I joined Weight Watchers. So if you assume that would cause me to eat 80% healthy, I was on track for about 8 months of the year.

10. Work out 4 times per week 75% of weeks – I think I was about at 65%

11. Post to my blog more often – technically I did post more but not as much as I had intended. I wanted to post an average of once per week. This post will be #17 for the year so I not as much as I wanted

There are many awesome things that happened which I hadn’t planned for. Here are a few that come to mind:

- I participated in the Ironman In a Month Challenge and completed it. Thinking about it still makes me grin.
- I travelled to Minneapolis to the Women of Faith Conference. It was an amazing event which is still inspiring me
- I became a leader of a church small group
- I took the huge step of joining Weight Watchers online. I didn’t think I would follow a eating plan ever again. This plan makes sense and is something I have been able to keep up
- I made some connections with some amazing people on Facebook who have become friends to me and are a source of support and inspiration.

During the past month I have been going through a personal crisis. What I have noticed is that, although it is hard, I am walking through it in a much healthier way than I would have before. I asked for and received support from many of my friends. Although I have not been very consistent through the month of December on my fitness goals, I am working to get back on track. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I am NOT starting over. A month of trial can not undo all of the above.

The 'before' picture was taken in 2009 but I am pretty sure I looked pretty much the same in December 2010.

Light in the Darkness

2011-11-23T13:48:00.000-06:00

I was sitting on the bus doing my bible reading plan. The passage I read was this:
¹ In the beginning the Word already existed.
      The Word was with God,
      and the Word was God.
² He existed in the beginning with God.
³ God created everything through him,
      and nothing was created except through him.
⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,
      and his life brought light to everyone.
⁵ The light shines in the darkness,
      and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1: 1-5, NLT)
I have read this dozens of times, like everyone else. I have tried to understand the part about ‘the Word’, the Word being Jesus and how that actually works. The thing is that I got stuck on that and didn’t read the part about how the light shines into the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.
I was awestruck. The darkness can’t extinguish the light. It is a truth that resonates with me. No matter how dark I think things are, God still shines through. There is nothing or no one that can stop that.
Then I continued reading:
⁶ God sent a man, John the Baptist, ⁷ to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. ⁸ John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. ⁹ The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.
¹⁴ So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.
¹⁵ John testified about him when he shouted to the crowds, “This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’”
¹⁶ From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another. ¹⁷ For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. ¹⁸ No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God,^] is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us. (John 1: 6-16, NLT)
I was awestruck by a God who would come down to earth to be light in my darkness. It was a great moment of communion with God… on a Winnipeg Transit bus before 7am.

Thinking About Mom

2011-11-20T13:46:00.001-06:00

Today is the anniversary of the day my Mom passed away. It is sunny outside today but the ground is covered in a blanket of fresh snow – the first major snowfall of the year. I went out for a short run this morning and now I am sitting in Starbucks with a Venti Skinny Peppermint Mocha. I have to admit that I don’t know how to feel about the day.

Generally I spend a lot of time dreading the date. I have been down lately and I have attributed it to what my friend refers to as body memories. Even if I am not thinking about it, my body knows it is coming. That said, I haven’t been dreading today. It wasn’t the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

I do have a sense of sadness. I am wondering what my Mom would think about me right now. I have been making so many positive changes in my life for my health. Those things were important to my Mom. Would she be proud of me for being committed enough to run outside in the snow and cold weather?

I remember the day that she passed away. I remember my sister in law coming to my door and giving me the news. It wasn’t sunny that day. At least that’s how I remember it. All I said was, “I’ll get my purse.” It was a strange numb response that came out of a broken place.

So many things have changed for me in the sixteen years since my Mom passed away. I have graduated from university. I have a career, a great condo, a nice car, lots of fantastic friends, and most importantly I asked Jesus to come into my life over 11 years ago. Besides the more recent health changes, I am no longer that young woman who lives in a numb fog. My life is abundant. Sometimes that abundance means that I am both sad about losing my Mom and happy about a beautiful winter day with a nice run and a trip to Starbucks for a holiday drink.

Resolutions

2011-11-13T13:47:00.001-06:00

The beginning of the November makes me feel like the year is drawing to a close. There is lots of time left but it ends up getting taken up by Christmas parties, gatherings, and shopping. It feels like the time to achieve my goals has already passed. Or has it?

I hesitate to post about my resolutions. Every one was so supportive and even inspired. So to look at my resolutions today feels like a bit of a disappointment. I am afraid to let people down. I feel like I have failed.

When I read my resolutions I know I have achieved a couple of them. I have also changed my approach on many of them. I still have some time to work on others.

In March I started struggling with some health issues that prevented me from working out. My food intake was nowhere near 80% healthy. I really struggled. By the time the summer came, I was quite weak and had gained a lot of weight. I decided it was time to commit to a weight loss program so I joined Weight Watchers at the beginning of July. I have also become more active, last month I completed an Ironman in a month challenge – I swam 2.4 miles, bicycled 112 miles, and ran 26.2 over the 31 days of October.

I attended the Storyline Conference in June and I can say it has propelled me to live a better story. I also managed to clean out my storage room and I can now walk into it without stepping on anything. My bike goes in and out easily.

Technically I have already posted more this year than I did last year. That said, my intent was to post weekly and I haven’t been doing that. There is still time to get back onto it. So here I am.

Resolutions are about an intent to be better. I can say that I am better than I was this time last year. I have less debt, I have lost weight, I have gained energy and a lot of wisdom. I won’t run a 5k in under 40 minutes this year but I have increased my distance and speed by quite a bit.

Legacy

2011-11-05T11:42:00.001-05:00

There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that I have loved for years. I have been thinking about it today:

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I went to a funeral for a man who was born nine months after me. He was a co-worker who I had the privilege of working with this year before he went on leave. I had known of him but never worked with him directly. He talked about his illness openly and his courage left so much of a mark on me that, even though I had only worked with him very briefly, I felt compelled to attend his funeral. When I looked around at the attendees, it was clear that many of my co-workers felt the same way.

This man had a daughter who has special needs. He also has a young son. His battle with cancer has been several years long. During his struggle with cancer he returned to work several times where he made a number of important contributions. He also achieved his masters. When his wife spoke of him at the funeral yesterday, she said she married him because she knew he would ‘make her brave.’

He has made me think of my own life. What is my contribution? What will people say about me at my funeral? My mark is to be different for sure. Even acknowledging that, his life makes me want to do more with my life. I hope that’s a tribute to him.

If You Enjoy This Video...

2011-08-26T16:32:00.000-05:00

This is a video created to promote our Dragon Boat Team. I am putting myself out there:-) So if you enjoy this video, please consider donating to support the Canadian Cancer Society. You can complete your donation online by going to my personal fundraising page and clicking on Support Misty.

The Narrow Door

2011-07-16T15:48:00.001-05:00

Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”

He said to them, “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
“Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
“But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
“There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.” Luke 13:22-30

A few weeks ago Soul Pastor posted this scripture to his blog and asked us to comment on it. Actually his words were ‘Thoughts?’ In the gathering that week he challenged everyone there to post a comment as homework. My thought was: I don’t want to think about it.

That said, for the past two weeks, I have been thinking about it a lot. I am not thinking about me. I am thinking about my Mom. I case you don’t know the story, I will give you the abridged version. My Mom passed away from breast cancer when I was twenty two years old. I was barely an adult. That event has shaped my life in a lot of ways. My Mom wasn’t a Christian. In fact my Mom explicitly stated that she couldn’t believe in a God who allowed all the bad stuff she saw to happen.

I can’t really blame her. My Mom’s life was rough. Some of those details only came out after she passed away. I never had the opportunity to show my Mom that Jesus really did care about the details of her life. I know He did. Yet my Mom died without knowing Him.

I often wonder if I would have become a Christian if my Mom hadn’t passed away. We were very close and very tied together emotionally. I feel a type of survivor’s guilt. I found everlasting life and in some ways her leaving this world enabled that for me. Everything in me wants to reject the theology that says there is one way to heaven because it means that she won’t be there.

Here’s the problem: I have to think about the Scripture.

When I dig into the background of the passage I realize that Jesus is speaking to believers or those that had the opportunity to go through the narrow door and didn’t. You could say that most, at least in Western cultures, have had that opportunity. So what is Jesus saying? Is He saying it that the only way to get through the door is through Him? Is it a warning for those who say a prayer and think that guarantees salvation? I don’t know. And maybe God is protecting me by not allowing me to have certainty.

One thing I do know from this passage is that it is a warning. Regardless of what happened with my Mom I need to think about what it means for me to enter. I do know that as Soul Pastor said, it is one person at a time. So I need to focus on my relationship with Him.

Being a Woman Who Loves Technology

2011-07-09T12:02:00.001-05:00

You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4:7, NSV)

Sometimes I struggle with feeling truly feminine. I do not have a lot of the things in my life that many would associate with womanhood. I am not a mother. I am not a wife. I am not dating anyone. I would like to have all of those things but it just hasn’t happened for me yet. On the flipside, I have some characteristics that are typically associated with being male. I am good with technology, I love video games, I work in Information Technology, I do chores on my own that my married friends leave to their husbands.

It used to be painful for me when others referred to me as a ‘techie.’ One day God redeemed that for me when someone I respect (and who I would view as being a model of femininity) said to me, “I think it is very cool that you are a woman who is a techie.” Since then God has used several instances to show me how he is using my femininity and my ability with technology to serve His purpose.

At the beginning of June I went to the StoryLine Conference in Portland. When of the things that stuck out for me is the impact of character on story. He pointed out instances of helping others as being character building. It’s not necessarily the story itself but using the things we are good at to help others is an important part of our story. So as a woman who is good with technology I was able to help a friend get her blog going. I think her blog is amazing and it will impact a lot of women. So I am honoured to be a part of that story. This summer I am continuing to work on our church’s media team. It is a small way I can easily help out and it is a part of the larger story.

I know that as a female techie I am different from a male who is good with technology. My femininity makes me more approachable and I help in different ways. So I am beginning to embrace this part of my identity… which is cool because I really enjoy video games!

Not Really Lost

2011-06-12T17:25:00.001-05:00

You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you’re named and kept for good by the Shepherd of you souls. (1 Peter 2:25, The Message)

I have been pretty silent lately when it comes to this blog. That’s because I didn’t really know what to say. I had some health issues that made me tired all of the time and feeling like I had the flu a lot of the time. I stopped exercising because I barely had enough energy to get through the day, never mind run. The doctor did a bunch of tests and found that most of my results were just a little bit off. I felt the same way spiritually.

I didn’t know what to do so I started a Bible reading plan on faith. The passage above is one of the first ones I read. It reminded me that, although I felt totally lost and confused, I had a Guide. I was not alone in my struggle. I didn’t understand what was happening but He did, and He could heal me.

I am starting to feel a lot better now. Last week I went to Portland for the Storyline Conference (check that resolution off.) The conference was awesome. It left me a lot to think about. I am at a turning point now. I just don’t know where I am going from here. However I this Scripture reminds me again that I am not alone. I will figure out where I am going.

Mother’s Day Thoughts

2011-05-08T19:44:00.001-05:00

Mother’s Day is a double edged sword for me. I am not a mother. I would like to be one. I also lost my mom at a somewhat young age. I feel like the adult me never got to know my Mom. A friend of mine posted a link on her Facebook page that almost undid me on Friday. This line really grabbed me:

“each milestone is a mile more in the road that we don’t walk together.'”

Even though I am sad, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the women who have taken the time to speak life into me over and over again. I have been blessed with so many friends over the years. Many of them a little older than me but some my age or younger. They have had wisdom and words of encouragement. They have modelled for me what it really means to be a woman of faith. They honoured me as a woman and called me out. So to all of those women I say “Happy Mother’s Day!”

The Rubber Hits the Road

2011-04-10T17:49:00.001-05:00

Last weekend I gave a testimony at church. I shared some things with hundreds of people that I had never shared publically before. I was terrified. I had a knot in my stomach all week. I went through a bunch of scenarios in my head that included me having to find a new church after the old one pushed me out. I was needy, asking for reassurance from those I trusted. I did it anyway.

Why? I did it because I knew God was asking me to. I haven’t figured out what it means for others yet. I hope that I was part of a path for some to greater wholeness. I am not even sure what it means for me yet, except that none of my nightmare scenarios came true. I am blessed to be part of a wonderful community of people who warmly welcomed me to the ‘stage’.

In the past couple days I have had the opportunity to hear my pastor speak. Last night he spoke at an event our church is calling Revive. I have to say he pretty much never teaches what I think he will. Last night he taught that in order to find refreshment, we need to confess our sins. That resonated with me.

This morning I heard a lot about living out our faith and how it isn’t easy doing what God calls us to do. I experienced that last week. In many ways I am being asked to step out in faith and to make some difficult choices. God sent me some wonderful people to hold me up through it, but in the end I had to do it.

So here’s the thing… I find myself in a place where there are things I want to say but I don’t know exactly how to say them. I want to be careful not to alienate those people who are reading my blog. That said, over the past few years, I have learned something. In order to really have any level of an abundant life, I had to face those deepest darkest secrets. I had to confess my sin and allow Jesus to cleanse me of it. For if I continued to be ruled by those things, where is the hope in that?

And in order to continue to move forward I have to listen to God and go where He calls me. I am still not sure why He called me to be so vulnerable in front of so many people but I have to have faith that it will bear fruit.

Vacation

2011-03-29T19:48:00.001-05:00

I returned from vacation last Thursday. I was somewhat rested I guess but I found myself feeling stressed. I have to say I haven’t been on track with workouts or food for the past couple of weeks. I didn’t even count the number of healthy meals. At times like this it is easy to get down on yourself and I did. I had a difficult weekend.

I do know that I see progress in myself. I asked for help and prayer from some friends. I know I wouldn’t have done that before. I would have just allowed myself to sink deeper into the hole I was digging for myself. Sometimes I am tempted to believe that God won’t forgive me for my latest failure… that I have exceeded the boundaries one too many times. It is friends we need to remind us that is not the truth. They love us unconditionally, hug us when we feel un-hug-able.

Yesterday I started my new running clinic. I am taking the same program over again because I don’t feel ready to progress to the next one. As soon as I arrived I knew I had made the right choice. I have prepared some healthy food for this week. I am slowly getting back on track. I am working on being kind to myself…

Running Outside and Other Things I Am Learning About

2011-03-06T17:31:00.001-06:00

Someone asked me last week in the comments what the coldest I have ever run in was. I often get comments about how impressed people are that I am still running outside no matter the weather. I used to make the same comments and I actually thought that running outside in super cold weather was dangerous. I have learned that I was wrong.

The coldest I have run in so far is –32 Celsius. It was –40 with the wind chill. I haven’t had the opportunity to run in anything colder. I haven’t set a limit for myself. The cold doesn’t really keep me from running. What would keep me from running outside is if the sidewalks were impassable (either too icy or covered with a lot of snow.) So far I haven’t had to run on those days. I have cold weather gear and grips for my runners.

I have found that I actually enjoy the cooler weather when I am running. I am warm but I don’t get too hot. I realized that this winter I don’t feel as trapped. I get outside and run no matter what. It is freeing. I am waiting for spring like everyone else but I don’t need it to be spring for me to go outside.

Now to the resolutions -- Last month I had a more difficult time with healthy eating and exercising. I got my runs in but even when I had time I didn’t go back to strength training. I learned a couple of things. The first is that when I have a busy period, I need to prepare for a little beyond the busy period. I had food prepared for two weeks. I thought I would just get right back into the rhythm as soon as it was over. I didn’t. My worst eating week was the week AFTER things settled down. Oh well, lesson learned.

I have worked out three times every week but I wasn’t able to get the forth time in and I only did my strength training once. That was partially because I was tired but also because I needed to listen to my body. I couldn’t add more to my workout yet. I am going to try again this week.

Statistics for February:

Healthy meals – 76% (I actually had several days where I didn’t write anything down. I assumed those were 0 healthy meals… so maybe I hit 80 % and didn’t even know it)

Workouts – only one week with four workouts but every week with at least three

Time with friends – 6 outings

This Week

2011-02-27T18:08:00.001-06:00

I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was regretting entering The Biggest Loser contest at work. At first I thought this would just help me focus on my goal. I have found that it is counter-productive for me. I am focusing on a number on the scale… a goal I never set. I know that if I strive for eating healthy and exercising I will lose weight. It just won’t be on a timeline. Today I am starting to understand that I need to ignore the contest or it will drive me crazy.

I have had some aches and pains that are on the edge of injury. I am committed to continue to run. I did a strength training workout this week as well. I chose not to do a second strength training because I was already in pain on Thursday and I was afraid I would injure myself. I think it was the right choice.

Yesterday I did run six minutes walk one minute. I have never done that before. I think six minutes is the longest I have run and that was with an equal walking interval. It was really hard and by the end I am sure I would have walked faster. But I kept going. Next week is eight minutes. I am both terrified and excited about the prospect.

This morning my pastor made me think about how far I have come in the past few years. I have had victory over things I never thought I would and that has allowed me to even consider tackling my health. I am so glad I am not in that place anymore. Sometimes remembering where we have been gives us the courage to move forward.

Tired

2011-02-21T12:27:00.001-06:00

I have been looking forward to this weekend for a couple of weeks now. I knew that I would need to recuperate from this week. After I have been in near crisis mode for two weeks it is difficult to stop my mind from spinning. I had thought that I would get things back in order and get back to life as normal. I am realizing today that I still need to take it slow and be kind to myself.

I have done pretty well these two weeks. I kept up with my running. I ate mostly healthy when I could. I have enough meals in the freezer to keep eating healthy meals. Today I am going to start my new strength training program. Cleaning the apartment from top to bottom might just have to wait.

Excuses

2011-02-05T17:28:00.001-06:00

The next two weeks are presenting a lot of challenge to my resolutions. In other words, I am crazy busy. I have been trying to think of when I am going to be able to get my workouts in. I also want to remain somewhat sane over the next two weeks. So I have come up with a plan.

I know I need to keep my running workouts up or I won’t keep up with the class. So I need to find time to do that. As for the strength training workouts they will be on hold for the next two weeks. I just got a new program from my trainer this week so I am looking forward to trying them but now is not the time. That means that I will likely only get three workouts in a week.

I also know that in order to be strong through this time I need to eat properly. I have been storing some meals in my freezer and this weekend I am cooking some more. I should have almost enough to get me through the two weeks. So I will be able to keep up with that. And I know that I set the 80% goal so I will give myself permission to enjoy what the other people around me are eating next weekend.

Everyone says they are busy. And yes they are busy, perhaps they lead a life at the pace I will over the next two weeks all the time. I know I need to be kind to myself or I will crash and burn. So yes I have excuses… but excuses are not always a bad thing. There are valid excuses and I am making a choice to try and coast on some of my goals for the next two weeks without letting everything fall apart.

Tomorrow I am having pizza for the first time in a long time. Oh I am looking forward to it. I think the pizza will taste even better than it did when I was eating it all of the time. Yum!

The Unexpected

2011-01-30T19:39:00.001-06:00

This week I have been thinking about how God is always teaching us. I never expected that my goal to run a 5k in under 40 minutes would bring me to such a place where I had to explore some of my deepest wounds. I started sharing goals on Facebook last year which was a huge step. I even talked about hitting a wall in my blog. That said I have stayed away from really sharing about the struggle.

These few weeks I have found God calling me to move past that. When I have shared that I am struggling people have been profoundly supportive. I am bolstered by their support. And I am happy to report that for the past two weeks at my running class I have someone to run with.

Sometimes I have felt like these goals are self-indulgent. Now I know that I have been really living. And God has been using these times to help me face my insecurities about not been able to keep up with the group to teach me about asking for and accepting help. He has also taught me that people are willing to help. There are runners that used to struggle as I do. They tell me that once I get to about 7 minutes it gets easier. They tell me how they had bad weeks and the next week got better.

I also had two victories at work this week. I think that God is showing me that the issues of the past are over and I need to look to the future. I am nervous about the next three weeks (particularly the two weeks after this one.). They will be very busy. I am struggling to figure out how to fit everything in. I have decided that it is important to keep up my three runs a week but that I may not get a forth workout in. I am cooking as much as I can next weekend so that I will have healthy meals ready. I am working to plan some outings with friends so that I can at least have some fun.

So it is the last Sunday of the month. Here are the stats:

Healthy meals: 78% (not too shabby)

Number of workouts: 20 (4/4 100% of weeks)

Friends: 9 outings (it helps when it’s your birthday)

Photography afternoons: 0 (it’s cold)

Blog posts: this is post # 5 of the year. Considering I had 16 total last year, that’s pretty awesome.

I have decided to stop counting prayer statistics but I can say that I talked to God everyday. I know this is something I need to work on. I have also noticed that my other goals force me to talk to God.

Breath

2011-01-23T08:14:00.001-06:00

When I run I typically listen to a Podcast that I have downloaded. I have been downloading Podcasts from my own church that I have missed. More often (since I don’t miss that many and there would only be one a week anyway) I listen to other pastors. On Monday I was listening to Shane Hipps. He is a teacher at Mars Hill Church in Michigan. You may be more familiar with the lead Pastor from that church Rob Bell.

Shane was speaking on the concept of calling. As I was in my last running interval he said something like this: “God wants us to do this stuff because he thinks they will be fun for us.” He challenged the idea that if we don’t answer our calling we will anger or disappoint God. He wants the best for us. He thinks we will enjoy these things. Will we always enjoy them? Probably not. In the learning stages and through some difficult times our calling will be just plain hard and no fun at all. But overall, we are called to things that God knows will nourish our soul. God knows how we are wired.

Then when I got home the teaching was still going and Shane was leading the group through a meditation exercise. I sat down and went through the exercise with him. He started with the typical breath in, breath out, just notice your breathing. Then he said something I will never forget, “Remember that each breath is God breathing into you. Each breath you take means that God has a purpose for you.”

At that point, tears streamed down my face. I have been struggling because I made all of these commitments at the beginning of the year. I am moving forward for sure but it has been difficult. I feel like I am failing because I haven’t been able to consistently follow spiritual disciplines. Yet what it comes down to is that every breath means that God has a purpose for me.

Running… Sort of

2011-01-16T16:43:00.001-06:00

Well I have to admit that this week has been less than stellar in terms of resolution progress. My food intake was only about 50% healthy. I owe this partially to the fact that I wasn’t prepared going into the week and then my car wasn’t working properly with the cold weather here. I did make some progress though. I worked out four times. I prayed most days. My Scripture reading isn’t where I want it to be. That said I am realizing today that perhaps I can’t make all of these changes at once. I will try again once I have a strong foundation of working out and I get back into a rhythm.

I signed up for a running clinic. It started yesterday. So there I was dressed in layers to run in –30 Celsius without the wind chill. The weather itself didn’t end up that bad. But to be honest II struggled. I knew I ran slow but it became all the more apparent when I couldn’t keep up with the rest of the group (all beginning runners.) The instructor came back for me a couple of times. Still I had hoped I could keep up. I honestly don’t want to go back.

Here’s the thing. I have avoided running with others since I started. I think that God is pushing me to shed the identity of the kid in the gym class who gives up. So yes I will be behind the pack for now. It won’t be that way forever. I will do my practices this week and I will return next week. I will eventually catch up.

At work we are starting a Biggest Loser Challenge on Tuesday. Although I don’t have a specific weight loss goal I thought that this would help me work towards my goals of eating well and exercising. The session is seventeen weeks which should give me a really good start.

Resolution Regret

2011-01-09T13:42:00.004-06:00

After I posted about my resolutions I found myself coming across other things I ‘should’ have put on there:
- oh I shouldn’t be on Facebook so much
- oh I should clean out the closet in the bedroom
- oh I should have been more specific/strict about the definition of a healthy meal

And the list goes on.

All of these things are good things to do. What I found out was that my resolutions focused me. I was able to say, “yes but that’s not what I am working on right now.” It seemed that none of them were more important than the things I was already working on. And some of them might never happen or will happen naturally as a subset of what I am already doing.

I have made some progress on my resolutions. I realized that I needed a plan and a way to measure them. I am using a calendar I got for free to record the number of healthy meals, workouts, times I prayed, time I spent on scripture, events with friends, and photography sessions.

Working out has been going very well. I ran outside today for the first time since the summer. I actually enjoyed the cold weather keeping me from overheating. I have a few logistical issues to work out but I am going to run outside as much as I can.

Food was pretty good until Friday came along. But who cares. Friday was my birthday and I had lunch out and a party yesterday. Plus a friend made me cookies. I felt so loved and valued at my party. It was so much fun and the cake was AWESOME. It was chocolate cake, with chocolate icing, chocolate filling, and chocolate chewy cookies crumbled on top. What could be better?

AND yesterday I registered for the Storyline Conference in Portland and booked my plane tickets on sale. I am so excited I can hardly stand it

Emergence and Whether Watching T.V. Is Okay

2011-01-09T13:19:00.001-06:00

I remember the day I all of a sudden felt like I was ready to move. It was December 30th. In the days leading up to my vacation I had felt a considerable pull to watch television, play video games, have naps, read, or do anything that didn’t require energy or thought. From about December 23rd on, I did very little. I didn’t feel well. I was tired. I enjoyed my time with friends but I also felt like I needed considerable time at home.

I have typically viewed this as behaviour I want to change. Yet knowing how I felt suddenly on December 30th I wonder if this is the way God built me. My periods of rest involve things that others may view as ‘wasting my time’. It wasn’t a waste of time. I think it is what I needed.

If at that point I would have been exercising regularly, I would have kept it up. Food is always an issue during the holidays but I think I would have had a better time of eating healthy if I had been doing that all along. So maybe the key is not punishing myself for doing what I enjoy but creating a context for doing those things where they don’t detract from my health.

New Years Resolutions

2010-12-31T14:51:00.002-06:00

I have had some time to reflect on 2010. As I said in my Christmas letter it was a good year overall. I want 2011 to be a good year too. I remember that 2010 started well (or maybe 2009 ended well.) I have to admit that I have had some challenges the past couple of months. The last two weeks at work were tumultuous. I don’t want to live in crisis. I don’t want to just survive. So given where I am at now, what can I do to enter this year with a sense of optimism?
First, I remember all that I did in 2010. I know that I can do more than I am . I was inspired by a blog I follow to write some resolutions. I was inspired because I saw what she had accomplished. I remembered that I accomplished things too. And I think that it will be wonderful to reflect on what I have done. Oh I was also comforted by the fact that some of the 2010 goals ended up on her 2011 list again. So here we go:
1. Run a 5K in under 40 minutes – last year I ran in two 5k races. I ended up walking a lot of it. Although it was huge for me to even finish or participate in such a thing, I wanted to do better. A forty minute race is an average of 13 minutes per mile. Right now I do about 19 – but I walk a lot.
2. Spend one afternoon (or evening) per month taking pictures – I took a photography course in the spring. I enjoyed it a lot. I purchased a new camera and tripod for myself for Christmas. I find taking pictures for a few hours relaxing. I want to spend more time doing it.
3. Reduce my debt load by $8000 – last year I purchased a new car. I love the car but it put me in debt again. I miss not having a line of credit to pay off. So I would like to reduce my debt this year. Last year I paid off $4793 from May through the end of the year.
4. Spend 5 minutes per day in prayer/meditation – this seems like a lame commitment to God. Actually it is. I know myself. If I say I will do an hour, I won’t do any at all. My hope is that I will become addicted to it and spend more time doing it.
5. Have 6 outings per month with friends – this is a tough one. A long time ago I posted about a show I had watched that said that spending time with friends is one of the keys to health. It doesn’t need to be expensive. It doesn’t even technically need to be out.
6. Make my front storage room into a more functional space – currently my storage room is full of empty boxes and recycling. I would like it to function as a closet and make it easier to get my bike in and out.
7. Spend one hour per week studying scripture – again, yes this doesn’t seem like enough and it isn’t. I need to start somewhere.
8. Attend Donald Miller’s Storyline Conference in June – this would seem and probably is in opposition to goal number 3. That said, Donald Miller is one of my favourite authors. Blue Like Jazz changed the way I looked at Christianity. A Million Miles in a Thousand Years was the inspiration for 2010. My understanding is the conference is inspired by the book. Even though it is expensive to fly to Portland, I really want to go.
9. Eat healthy meals 80% of the time – I don’t think it is realistic to say I will never eat bad food. That said, I know I need to commit to healthier eating. So 80% or approximately 17 of my meals in a week should be healthy. I have my own definition of healthy that may not match others. The idea is that it is something I cooked with fresh ingredients and well isn’t deep fried or full of sugar. I may refine this as I go along. As part of this I would like to try one new recipe per month. I enjoyed cooking in the early part of 2010.
10. Work out 4 times per week 75% of weeks – again, I get sick or stuff comes up. The idea here is that I want to be consistent in my workouts. I want to remain healthy. I want working out to be a part of my life so that when I hit the hard times, working out is just something I do.
11. Post to my blog more often – I have been a terrible blog poster this year. I think that it has been difficult for me to think of what to post. So, my thought is that I can share my progress on my goals. I am certain there will be more than statistics to share.

Christmas Letter

2010-12-28T13:49:00.002-06:00

Better late than never. This year's Christmas letter is posted:

http://mistychristmasletter.blogspot.com/

Winter Moon

2010-11-21T20:02:00.001-06:00

I was driving to a friend’s house today and I noticed a full moon lighting the sky. A recent series of snowfalls has blanketed the ground with white. There is beauty in this season. The bare trees now take on a new dimension with the snow sticking to the trunks and perching on branches. It is not summer for certain. But somehow this newness of fresh white snow covering the earth seems to bring hope. The moon lighting the sky on top of a white horizon is a majestic sight.

I think I am feeling better. I have a plan to get back on track. Tomorrow I start working out again. My fridge is stocked with healthy food and a meal plan has been prepared. And this period of darkness has been different. I have found myself reaching out sooner and hiding less. I have felt held by my community. I am grateful for that.

I can’t say that I am feeling on top of the world. I guess the best way to describe it is to liken it to the new presence of winter. There is beauty surrounding me. There is a newness and a freshness that is different from spring but is just as necessary.

November

2010-11-07T18:10:00.001-06:00

I wouldn’t be surprised if I have written a blog post titled November before. When I was a kid, November was a month that was full of promise. Now that has somehow been taken from me. November reminds me of all I have lost. The beginning of November has brought fear for me. I am afraid of November. I am afraid that by the end of November I will have nothing left for December.

At the beginning of this year I had a sense that this was ‘my’ year. I even had other people tell me that. Now I feel like the year is over in some ways. It is just time to survive. I am angry. Somehow in my heart I think I believed that if this was my year that this wouldn’t happen again.

Everything is harder right now. I know I promised to pick myself up but the reality is that I just don’t feel like it. Connection seems harder to come by lately. Mostly it is because the words just won’t come. When people ask me what is wrong I just can’t explain it. I feel like crap because I haven’t been taking care of myself. I find myself struggling with temptation on an almost daily basis. I am tired. I am falling apart.

So there it is. The truth is that in many ways I have allowed myself to get to this place. But here I am. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t be honest with people because the words won’t come. The only thing I can say is, “It’s November.”

Support

2010-10-16T19:15:00.001-05:00

In the past few days I have found myself reaching out a little more. I have been honest about where I am at. I am not sure what I expected but I am grateful that I didn’t get it. What I got from my friends was an overwhelming sense of grace.

I remember when I first started exercising and caring about my health I was hesitant to share with anyone. I knew there would times like t his when I struggled to stay on track. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Yet as I started to post on Facebook what I was doing I had a bunch of cheerleaders instantly. I loved the support I got. So I guess when I was honest about what was happening I expected the same type of support. I expected people to cheer me on.

That wasn’t what I needed. I need people to stand with me and that is what they have done. They have modeled God’s love to me. I am overwhelmingly grateful for it. I decided that what I really need is to get back to the basics of remembering how much God cares for me and how He sees me. I am slowly becoming more active and eating better but that is coming out of an overflow. I refuse to kick my ass because that isn’t what I need. I need to remember. The rest will come.

Fall?

2010-10-11T12:27:00.001-05:00

At the beginning of the year I resolved that when I fell I would get up again. So far so good. Yet as I reflect on where I am at right now, I wonder what to do when you recognize that you are about to fall. Or maybe you have fallen and you just don’t recognize your fallen state…

I haven’t been exercising lately. I have noticed that when I don’t exercise I tend to eat poorly. I find myself being more and more tired lately. I was waiting for this weekend to come so I could sit and veg a little or a lot to be honest.

So maybe I have fallen already. I know that I need to get up or this hole will get even deeper. I could use your prayer.

Remembering My Brother

2010-09-06T21:16:00.001-05:00

It is ten years ago today that my brother passed away. He left behind three children. Their lives are shaped by losing their father so early. My life has been shaped as well. I remember it is if it was yesterday.

I received a call at work informing me that my brother was about to pass away. I rushed to the hospital and arrived in time to see him take his last breath. I remember being really angry. I felt like ‘life’ had taken something else away from me. I said to myself that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t know exactly what ‘it’ was.

It was at that time in my life that I became a Christian. I knew that I could no longer live life under my own power. I am grateful that God has taught me that even though I have suffered a lot of loss, death will not define me. Rest in peace Rick.

Owning Who I Am

2010-08-12T20:27:00.001-05:00

Since I have started changing my eating habits and exercising I have lost about 20lbs and three or four dress sizes. My old clothes simply don’t fit anymore. They either look really bad or won’t even stay up. I broke down a bit ago and started replacing them.

I had pictured making do until I reached my final weight loss goal. Yet I find that is taking too long and I can’t put it off. So next week while I am on vacation I am going to replace most of my clothes. I will also get rid of my old ones (that aren’t actually all that old.)

I think there is some wisdom in it beyond wanting new clothes (which is really enough to be honest.) I need to own this new person I have become. My body is different now. I look different. I need to pass on my old clothes because they no longer represent who I am.

Story

2010-08-08T12:30:00.002-05:00

Today at church a woman was telling her powerful story about her faith journey. No matter what someone’s story is, it always makes me reflect on mine. Where are the similarities? What can I glean from the story? If I were to tell my story today, what would I say?

I haven’t been writing for a while. Mostly it seems that I don’t have a lot to say that I haven’t already said. I also realized that I needed to start going to God first before I told my story on this blog. The thing is, sometimes it is hard to interpret what I am hearing from God.

Today I wondered what story I would tell if I were to tell it. My story is full of trial and overcoming trial. A lot of things have happened to me that others find dramatic. Yet so much of that seems like history to me. I am wondering what story I am living today.

Over the past several months I have been very much focused on my health. I got to the point where I couldn’t very even function very well. I have seen a vast improvement. I am still focused on my health. I am wondering today if that is enough of a story. I am struggling with what else I should become involved in. I know that when I have too much on my plate I am vulnerable to so much. Yet I sense that God is calling me to something else.

Is it just to be honest about my health story? Or is there something more?

Silence

2010-04-28T20:08:00.001-05:00

On Sunday I was serving at church at the media station. I don’t mind doing it but sometimes it can be stressful. It’s also not the most social position to be in. This particular Sunday I found it really difficult for some reason. I realized part way through it was because I was already quite stressed.

I came home and I wanted to blog about what was going on in my life but I really can’t. It’s hard for me because I try to be really transparent on my blog. It is an outlet for me to process stuff. Now there are things preventing me from speaking publically. It sucks and it’s hard.

So instead of writing a blog I decided to clean my apartment on Sunday. Lately exercise has also become a stress relief but I was too tired and worn down to run. I know, it is not healthy to avoid stuff but hey, at least I did something productive – and I felt better.

Resurrection Sunday

2010-04-04T14:46:00.002-05:00

I have been listening to Rob Bell lately on my runs. He has given me a lot to think about and I plan to post on some of those things later. In the meantime, I have to say this is my favourite version of the resurrection story. The video was just released last night.

Resurrection: Rob Bell from The Work of Rob Bell on Vimeo.

Bad Friday

2010-04-02T22:05:00.002-05:00

This past week I have had the vague feeling that something is wrong. It’s one of those times when I am pretty sure that God is doing something in my life, that He wants to move me. I am just not sure where…

Today is good Friday. At our church we refer to it as bad Friday. Today the weather is pretty yucky. There is rain, hail, and wind. I managed to go for a run today. It was cold and miserable. I got hailed on. Yeah, it wasn’t a great experience.

But what I do know, is that God is good. This week I had the privilege to visit with my friend and her 5 day old baby. She is beautiful. I don’t care what anybody says she smiles. And today another friend asked me to take care of her baby while she was doing some things at church. What a blessing. Another miracle.

I don’t know what God is doing but I know He is good. And even though the weather was horrible today I was able to increase my running interval. I half wonder if the cold weather helped.

Encouragement….

2010-03-13T10:14:00.001-06:00

It’s been a long time since I posted. I hadn’t realized it has been so long. I just returned from a nice vacation to the warmth of Arizona and Mexico. It was nice to rest. I feel like I have a new outlook on a lot of things.

The last post was about me hitting a wall. I am happy to report that I did make it through the wall. Unfortunately very shortly after that I injured my back and I was unable to exercise at all. I went for long walks on my vacation but I haven’t been able to run in three weeks. I miss running. I am going to start getting slowly back on track today.

I was discouraged when I hurt my back but I also decided that I would not let it defeat me. I went for physiotherapy very early on. I got the help I needed right away to help me get back on track. I also had a doctor’s appointment that caused me to reflect on where I have been and how much progress I have made.

The last time my blood sugar was measured I was on the edge of being pre-diabetic. Now my blood sugar is in the normal range. My resting heart rate is under 80, it used to be over 90. My thyroid is under control. I have lost 13 pounds. All of this news came exactly when I needed it.

I am excited about my life. I will do the 5K race no whether I reach my goal of running 10, walking one or not. This is not about being perfect. I am making progress. And the awesome thing is that this feels doable for the rest of my life.

Hitting a Wall

2010-02-04T20:12:00.002-06:00

Last week I announced to all of my Facebook friends that I was planning to run a 5K (3 mile) race in May. Everyone was so excited and cheered me on, just as they have cheered on all of my fitness goals so far.

Friday was the first day that I actually did a combination of walking and running the entire 3.11 miles. I was also supposed to be moving up to running two minutes at a time. I had a lot of difficulty with that. I thought it would get better on Sunday but it was actually worse. I just couldn’t keep running the two minutes.

Since half way through January I have been working out five times a week (instead of the four times I was doing in the fall.) I have to admit between working out that often and adding the additional run/walk time three times a week I am tired most of the time. My muscles are often sore. I have started to feel down.

Yesterday I began to regret telling people about the run. If I hadn’t I could just quit. Yet that is the reason I told people. I needed other people to know so that I had the support. I realized today that this is the hard part. I have to push through this. So I am asking God to help me push through the wall. I am asking you to join me in that prayer if you are so inclined…

Believe

2010-01-26T21:01:00.001-06:00

I used to be really annoyed with people who would tell me to stand on God’s promise. And if someone said that to me directly I would probably still be annoyed. However I find myself in a place where that is what I am doing. I am trusting that God wants to and will bring me to new levels of physical health and emotional healing. I know I am trusting because I am living my life as if I know He will.

Six months ago I entered a conference that changed my life. Really I entered a room with God where he transformed me. I shared my heart with Him and he showed me how he saw me…. as a beautiful woman who somehow mustered up the courage to dance before Him at the last night of the conference.

Every once in a while I would hear a voice that would tell me this wouldn’t last. Upon reflection the past few weeks I realized that I have had the longest sustained period of happiness that I have ever had. I can’t say every moment was perfect or that even every month was great. I can say that overall I look back and see that I have had a relatively positive six months. I am excited about what God is doing in my life.

Sometimes I still hear that voice that says this won’t last. But then I realize that I have learned to get back up when I fall. Today I am understanding that this is because I refuse to give up my belief that God has good things in store for me. So yes there is some difficulty ahead at some point. But the belief is what will help me stand up. Standing on God’s promise is not a matter of somehow tricking myself. It is seeing the Truth in every circumstance.

I Will Rise

2010-01-01T17:15:00.002-06:00

I can’t believe it is 2010 already. Many people take this time to reflect on their lives and decide what to change. I think that is a natural and good thing. I spent many years not making resolutions. This year I decided to take a new slant on them.

Rather than try and start anything new I have decided what I would like to keep doing or expand on. This seems much less discouraging and overwhelming. I can’t help but honor all that his happened for me this year. I also can’t help but honor what has happened for me in the last ten years. To throw it out and start doing something entirely new would seem like I wasn't doing enough.

I have to admit that sometimes when I reflect on the good place I am in, I feel a sense of panic. I don’t want to let it go. Yet it is not realistic to expect that I won’t experience hardship in 2010. So instead I will make a declaration:

I will rise.

The Christmas Letter

2009-12-23T23:19:00.001-06:00

This year’s Christmas Letter has been posted:

http://mistychristmasletter.blogspot.com/

Misty

My Grace is Sufficient

2009-12-05T21:40:00.001-06:00

This past Monday I was privileged to attend an event to mark the 25th Anniversary of the disappearance of Candace Derksen. I have been in the same circles with her parents for several years. Three years ago I became involved with The Ministry of Listening. Since then I have become closer to the Derksen family.

One of the people at the gathering quoted this verse:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor 12:9, NIV

We did a sharing circle where each person shared how they were part of the story. There were many different people there. Some knew Candace and were involved in supporting the Derksen’s through Candace’s murder. Others have become part of their lives more recently. Everyone had a story to tell.

It was abundantly clear was that there was a lot of pain in the room. Many tears were shed. Yet it was also clear that God’s grace had shone through. I am sure it didn’t always seem like it at the time but with the benefit of 25 years of hindsight, it is clear that God has and continues to weave a powerful story.

I couldn’t help but think of my own life. The Derksen’s were part of helping me get through a time when I had trouble believing God would intervene in my life. The timing of the event was perfect. The next day I had a major stressor removed from my life. That very day the physical symptoms I have been struggling with, the major fatigue to the point of dizziness, have almost disappeared. And when I realized that looking back in hindsight, God has brought me through the past several years. I am grateful that the verse was mentioned because I realized that God’s grace had been sufficient for me all along.

November

2009-11-18T21:41:00.003-06:00

So I haven’t posted for a while. The reason is mainly that I am writing a book in November. I am participating in a challenge where you write a novel in 30 days. It has been an amazing time. I am so enjoying not only the book but working out. I challenged myself to workout 32 times in the months of October and November. That works out to just a little less than 4 times per week. I wanted to give myself a buffer.

I decided that if I did that I would buy a camera. I was going to buy the camera anyway but this would give me something to strive for and time to figure out exactly what I wanted. I had a setback in October with the infection. The buffer didn’t cover taking a week and a half off of working out. So I moved the date back.

The novel has been going well. As of today I have written over 30,000 words which is today’s target. I have been enjoying my workouts as well. I have been amazed to discover that November has not been so bad this year. The autumn that I feared hasn’t been an issue. Although I know the wonderful weather we are having has definitely helped, I also know that feeling like I have had a direction has helped even more.

Then yesterday I was thrown a bit of a curve ball. Well I can’t really say it’s a curve ball. I should have seen it coming but I have been ignoring it. My workouts have become increasingly difficult. Apparently I still have some recovery to do from the infection so I have to take a break from working out. I am benched for two weeks.

I was surprised to find that I was extremely upset that I couldn’t work out. It has become really important for managing stress. It’s not about a camera. It’s about wanting to do something important. It’s about wanting to strive to be better.

I realized last night that I need to be careful about my goals. Yes, I need to strive to be better. My goals are good ones and I believe that God has no problem with them. Yet I need to remember that I can’t carry myself on my own strength. I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me. I need to trust that things will get better. I also need to remember to turn to Him to help me carry my burdens.

Endurance

2009-10-25T17:42:00.003-05:00

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. (Jam 1:2-3 NLT )

I struggle with verses like this. You can find many of them in the bible. What they all have in common is this sense that we should all be excited about our problems. Maybe I'm just a cynic or maybe it's just my life experience but I really don't think that that's what these verses are about. Yesterday I read this scripture in a new way. It came to life for me when I thought about what I've been experiencing the past few days.

I’m no longer sick with my infection. Having the infection derailed me from the things I've been trying to do. I found it difficult to get back on track. I've been overwhelmed at work and not dealing with my stress well. I'm really tired and the reality is that huge part of me wants to give up. That scares me.

I think often when people read this verse or even when some teach about they think it means "suck it up. " Today I read it as " don't give up". You see I think it can be really discouraging to hear that we should embrace our pain. But when I read this that's not what I hear. What I hear is a resounding " keep going, you can do it, it'll get better if you just keep trying".

It's not really the falling down that we need to take joy in. It's the getting up. For that is the hope of Christ.

Being Real

2009-10-17T14:20:00.002-05:00

Last week I got a very large zit on my forehead just above my eyebrow. It sucked because I was actually feeling pretty good but I was self conscious about the zit which seemed to be turning into a boil. I thought about the Book of Job, especially the point where Job was afflicted with boils. Up until last week I hadn’t thought about that very much but the one infection on my skin was causing the lymph nodes on my neck to swell and become hard. I was feeling miserable. I only had one.

Later in the week the rest of left side of my face began to swell. My eye almost swelled shut by Wednesday morning. After waiting several hours to see a doctor at the Urgent Care Centre the doctor diagnosed me with facial cellulitis. I was placed on IV antibiotics and I was told I would have to return to the IV clinic daily for further treatment.

I know I will get better. And I refuse to let this derail me from the things I am trying to do – work out, be a light to others, continue to serve. Yet I am tired and sick. The side effects of the oral antibiotics I am taking are unpleasant (we’ll leave it at that.) I need to be honest about how I am feeling and I need to rest. So perhaps this is just a few days to pause and that’s okay.

Now What?

2009-10-06T21:32:00.002-05:00

I went to a seminar this past weekend called Pure Heart. The seminar was lead by some people from the International House of Prayer. It was an amazing weekend and I had miraculous experience when someone prayed over me. I didn’t know her and yet the things she prayed were about issues I had never really discussed with anyone – never mind this young woman I had never met.

It was amazing. I knew that God had sent her and provided her with the prayer so that I could see God in the places of my deepest hurt. I should be jumping for joy. Yet the past few days have been difficult. I find myself tired, weary, and sad. I don’t know what I am supposed to do with all of it.

Purity

2009-09-27T20:39:00.002-05:00

This morning I was scheduled to give a short testimony to support The Ministry of Listening. I received an email from our pastor the other day that I was on page 3 of his teaching. I was curious because I thought that my testimony had something to do with his topic. Imagine my surprise when I looked at the Weekly (our version of a church bulletin) and saw that the topic was purity!

One of the things I am trying to shed about my identity is that I feel like I am the queen of inconsistency. One day I will be on fire for Jesus. It seems like a few days later I will appear to have forgotten Jesus exists. One of the things I learned this summer is that I need to let go of that belief.

When I went up during the first gathering this morning I actually asked the pastor, “how did I end up in the teaching on living in purity.” He laughed and basically said he didn’t know. But as the teaching went on he came back to my question (thank goodness or I would feel a little low.) As I listened to the teaching a second time I began to realize how much of my story is about becoming pure.

As I write this blog I do so with a bit of a cringe because I know purity isn’t a popular concept in our culture. But the truth is that when I confessed my sin and was cleansed this summer everything changed for me. I am living in purity. I can’t claim to be without sin. No one can. What I am referring to is not living in a state of intentional disobedience.

One thing I took away from this morning is that living in purity is not about running away from sin. It is about running toward God. Over the past several weeks I have seen the fruit of that in my life. Thank you Jesus.

God’s got me…

2009-09-25T22:00:00.001-05:00

I went out for lunch with my friend today. I was talking about the many happenings in my life. There are challenges as always but I said, God’s got me. She remarked that she didn’t remember hearing me saying that before. She’s probably right.

If I had to characterize the change in myself over the past several weeks I would say that it has been my constant awareness of that fact. What I have noticed is that it is giving me courage to move forward with a lot of things. I find that I have a greater creativity and ability to solve problems at work. I have started to work out this week. I signed up to write an entire novel in the month of November (note that blog posts will probably go down.) Knowing that God has you, makes life pretty exciting and gives you seemingly limitless possibilities.

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-09-18T19:31:00.003-05:00

This week I have been posting a simple status on Facebook. Misty is happy. It’s amazing the kind of response you get when you post you are happy. Many people click ‘like’, others comment. I think that is the status I have seen the most response on.

A friend of mine acknowledged my courage for actually posting that I was happy. To declare that one is happy seems to invite disaster. I posted last year about just that. But this year it doesn’t seem to be as courageous….

I think that it is because this time I have learned something. It is okay to fight for happiness. You see I pursuing happiness by going after material things or avoiding things that are hard. It is just the opposite. I am paying attention to this mended heart of mine. When it is hurting I am reaching out. I am praying for guidance. I am leaning on my friends.

You see last week was a challenge for me. I felt this sense of lingering sadness. Instead of hiding I reached out. I prayed. I talked to people I trusted. I asked others to pray for me. At the end of the week I was blessed by someone who released me from a burden I was carrying. So this week, I am happy. And I am going to fight to be happy…

Mended Hearts

2009-09-08T19:55:00.002-05:00

I learned this weekend that a healed heart is a tender one. I have found that being more fully alive means that I notice things. I notice those little hurts that used to sneak there way into my heart without my knowing. I notice when I am reacting to something someone says that triggers me and reminds me of my past. Instead of numbing my feelings in various ways, my heart serves of an early warning system. It is hard to ignore.

It is a paradox that in my vulnerability I feel stronger for the most part. I know that this is probably because my tender heart knows it needs God and goes there sooner. I have to admit this past weekend was a difficult one. But I know Jesus was walking with me.

A time to…

2009-08-26T17:10:00.002-05:00

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance

Ecclesiastes 3:4, NIV

On Sunday I attended an event for some friends who were about to go through a very difficult time. As part of the invitation we were asked to share words of encouragement with them. So I prepared my card, made some food to share, and went to the event. What was interesting was that somehow we ended up going around the circle and sharing about the times we had each suffered most. It wasn’t really heavy at all. People were extremely vulnerable and we seemed to have a mutual shared spiritual space. What was amazing was that the evening was filled with laughter and joy.

In the morning I was praying for my friends and somehow the weight of what they were about to go through hit me. I wept for them. It seemed important that I had share that with them so I sent them a note to let them know I was thinking about them and weeping with them.

I think it is important to share one another’s burdens. Sometimes that means we laugh (even during the times when it seems impossible) and sometimes we cry.

Fair Weather

2009-08-23T11:17:00.002-05:00

Usually this time of year I start feeling anxious. I wonder if I will be able to cope with the demands of a fall and winter schedule. This year is different. I am excited about re-engaging community. I can’t wait to see what God has for me.

As I have been pondering this, a frightening thought has come to mind. What happens when the weather changes? What happens if I get depressed? How will I deal with that?

I don’t think that depression is something I have ever directly admitted on my blog. I have struggled with depression on and off since I was a teenager. One particularly bad winter I spent several months sleeping on the floor instead of my bed. It went undiagnosed until one year in my mid-twenties a friend of mine who is a nurse said she thought I was depressed.

I have struggled with being a Christian who has depression. There are many in Christian circles who think it is a sin to be depressed – a form of bondage. They think that depression is always some sort of spiritual flaw and that the depressed person just needs to believe more or differently. The terrible thing is that I can be my own worst enemy in this area.

About eighteen months ago I decided I was cured from depression. I believed that I had found the ‘spiritual formula' to stay out of it. So last fall when I recognized that I was depressed, it shattered my faith. I started going to church infrequently and then stopped going all-together for three months. I was caught up in sin and miserable.

I so want this year to be different. Typically around October or November I start struggling with depression to some degree. I AM going to pray for God to shield me from depression. Someone once advised me that instead of focusing all of my energy trying to get out of or avoid depression I need to figure out how to cope with it. Many of the things I figured out then are still helpful today. Yet I think God has more for me and there are more things I need when I am depressed. Maybe the beginning is naming it, and being honest now – while I have a surplus of emotional energy.

Veggie Tales

2009-08-16T13:46:00.002-05:00

I am reading Wide Awake by Erwin McManus. I started reading it earlier in the summer and I put it aside. I wasn’t ready for it. The book is all about living the life God has set out for you – not settling for monotony.

I started reading the book again yesterday. I got to the chapter on adapting and it hit me right where I am. McManus mentions the stories of Esther and Daniel so I decided to read the book of Esther.

As McManus points out and I confirmed in my reading Esther was really in a bad spot. Her parents die when she is young and then she is taken away from her family to spend a year being prepared to sleep with the king. I imagine what that year was like. I wondered what those beauty treatments where like for Esther. I am guessing it wasn’t like being at the spa. And for her to spend a year thinking about having sex with the king must have been terrifying and somewhat sickening for her.

Yet she becomes queen. She saves the Jews. She follows God. She listens to wise counsel…

I read the Bible in a very different way yesterday. I realized I had romanticized the story. Perhaps this is because Veggie Tales was my first experience of it. Reading the story in Scripture really made it come alive for me. I felt a kinship with Esther. My belief that God will use me even in my brokenness seems to have more substance than before.

Fasting

2009-08-16T13:31:00.002-05:00

*** I wrote this on paper yesterday and I am typing it out today***

I have a prayer evening to go to tonight. The organizer encouraged people to enter some kind of fast during the day. They were fasting from music during their nine hour drive here and throughout the day today. I decided that I would fast from entertainment – namely the computer, tv, and reading fiction.

Lately I have really been questioning how I spend my time. To be honest I spend a lot of time on Facebook and I hate it. Facebook just seems to be a way for me to be on the outside of a whole bunch of people’s lives looking in. The newest trend on Facebook seems to be putting up bizarre , obscure, or statuses only insiders understand. At best they clutter my home page and at worst they make me feel like I am back in junior high watching the popular crowd.

I have over two hundred friends on Facebook. I know all of them but the reality is not all of them are close connections for me. So why spend copious amounts of time monitoring it? I love people’s pictures. Sometimes the status updates do keep me connected. Still I have a lot of friends who I could have over or go for coffee with instead of wasting time on Facebook.

When I woke up this morning everything became a status update in my head. I wanted to check my email, look up stuff on the web, check the weather. When I made breakfast this morning it seemed like I should turn on the TV while I was eating. I know I turn to these things instead of God.

I decided to read one of the many non-fiction resources I keep putting aside to watch TV, play with the computer, or read a novel. You know what? I learned something. It prompted me to read a book of the Bible.

And now as I sit writing out a blog post to type out after I break the fast I wonder what to take from this experience. I enjoy television often but I don’t need the television to be on to eat a meal. Facebook is a good tool for connecting but it doesn’t have to be open all of the time. Fiction is good and important but easy reads are not the only thing I need.

So maybe I don’t need to get rid of my television and computer or burn my books. Perhaps learning to keep them in their proper place is the key. This day has been a gift already. It is something I plan to do as often as I can. I wonder if I can do it every Saturday…

Shine

2009-08-05T11:33:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago my pastor taught a sermon called ‘How to Find a Wife.’ He discussed many things that single people should be looking for. He wanted men to be called to a higher standard. He focused on all of the things men who are looking for a woman should be. Often he will receive text messages during the service and answer people’s questions. One woman asked him something to the effect of ‘so I am supposed to just wait until God is finished preparing a guy for me…’ His answer after some thought was, ‘it is a woman’s job to shine.’

Okay seriously, shine? I carried that with me for some time. I was feeling pretty lacklustre at the time. How does one become shiny? I remember bringing this up in the small group at the conference last week. Suddenly the answer became apparent. When I am resting in God, I shine.

Since I have come home from the conference I have been quite ill. I have had a flu that has kept me at home for the most part. Even with my physical illness I have felt something glowing inside of me. Yesterday I started feeling better and I shared with a couple of people over e-mail what had happened at the conference. Their responses were amazing. It was clear that I was shinning for them. That makes me so happy.

Dance

2009-08-01T19:51:00.002-05:00

When I was a little girl I would spend hours in the basement dancing. This past week I was reminded of that many times as several people who were attending the conference I was at had some kind of vision of me dancing. The thing was I had the same vision before they did. So last night when the worship leader suggested that he needed some ballerina’s, I took my chance. I danced with all of the grace I could muster. I twirled, pirouetted, skipped back and forth. The people there shared my joy. I feel like a new woman. One who is living as the woman God created her to be.

Windows

2009-07-19T21:00:00.002-05:00

When I lived in my house the blinds were closed the vast majority of the time. The main reason for this was that I lived on a busy street and the bus stop was in front of my house. I didn’t want people staring in at me while I was on the couch watching television. To some extent I think I also wanted to hide away from the world. Interestingly it was only when I was showing my house to sell it that I figured out that the amount of light that came into the house was one of its’ best selling features.

Now I am living in the condo my blinds are open in the living room most of the time. I like to let the light in but I also enjoy being able to see out. I have a beautiful view of the river and downtown. Even in the winter I like being able to see the weather and look down into the parking lot to see how much snow is on the cars and how many people have ventured out.

I have been thinking that having the blinds open is kind of a metaphor for my life. Sometimes I don’t let people see in. But in order to get the light in, I have to open the blinds. There is a poem somewhere about opening the blinds to let God into those dark places in our hearts, I’ll have to find it.

Several of my friends have been quite vulnerable in their blogs lately. I am inspired by their honestly. I it an honour to read posts that reveal so much about someone’s heart. Right now I am feeling like I need to open the blind to God first. Stay tuned…

Worthy

2009-07-11T11:49:00.001-05:00

For the summer our church is having services on Thursday in addition to Sunday. I always tend to go for the smaller more intimate gatherings. So when I found out they were having a Thursday gathering I offered to help. I am doing the media (running the software that puts the worship songs and pastor’s presentation) for the summer. It feels really good to be involved again.

We had a guest speaker who was talking about communion. He talked about how some people, especially those who grew up in the church, struggle with taking communion when they don’t feel like they have it all together. That feeling is based on the following scripture:

Therefore, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. (1Cor11:27, NIV)

The speaker argued that the passage is not referring to sin or struggle or doubt. He said a lot of good things but the thing that stuck out for me was to think of the opposite. Could we ever think we are worthy to go to the table? I laughed out loud. How could we ever possibly feel worthy of eating of the body and drinking of the blood of Christ?

I have never struggled with taking communion. I have always been part of a church that taught we should be taking communion when we are struggling. But when I think about the symbolism of communion I have to step back. Accepting the gift of Jesus’ unconditional love is something I struggle with. I have fallen. I have turned away. I walk with a sense of guilt and trepidation. But how could I ever be worthy?

A Strange Sort of Wonderful

2009-07-06T19:30:00.001-05:00

I am wondering about certainty. There is a book called The Myth of Certainty that claims no one can be certain of God’s existence or attributes. The author claims that at best our search for God is like looking through a fog.

I know people who act as if they are certain. Their relationship with God is as if He is in the room with them. They just seem to have this natural ability to trust Him, they seem to get what exactly it means to ‘rest in Him.’

Sometimes I feel like I have some sort of defect that doesn’t allow me to unquestioningly trust in God’s promises. Yet the Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So what does that mean? What is the purpose of my lack of steadfastness? Or do I even trust enough to believe that I am wonderfully made?

Christian Grief

2009-06-28T21:27:00.002-05:00

Today my pastor taught about grieving. It is a subject that is near to me. I lost some people close to me at a fairly early age. My losses came before I was a Christian so I don’t share the assurances that others might of a promise of heaven. I used to think grief was harder for me because I didn’t have that. Yet somehow I at least get permission to grieve in the Christian community. Others can be assaulted by well meaning comments. I could list some of them but when my pastor did it made me physically ill… You can insert your own comment.

So how is the response of a Christian different from that of a non-Christian? I think of it as the courage to grieve. When my mom passed away we did everything to avoid the pain. In a lot of ways we didn’t allow each other to express that pain. My sister-in-law put up a ‘no tears’ sign on her door. We didn’t have a funeral for my mom and that is probably the single greatest regret of my life.

Faith

2009-06-23T21:40:00.002-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about faith lately. It feels like there is some magic formula God has not given me yet. I want to move forward. I want to be steadfast in my faith but somehow it seems to elude me over and over. I have this general sense of fear when I walk around. I don’t feel grounded at all right now.

This morning I received an email from a friend who I haven’t talked to in a while. She said that she had asked God for someone to pray for and she sensed God put me on her heart. She had a vision that was very powerful and meaningful for me. I believed her and I believed God can and did do that for me. He spoke to me in a powerful way – that is enough faith for today.

But God didn’t stop there. My friend Lisa did a blog post about my blog. She talked about the title. The title comes from the message version of Matthew 11:28 and I hung on to that when I went through a crisis of faith 5 years ago. I am not necessarily tired of religion but I am tired of myself. I am tired of trying and striving for things that are empty and have no meaning.

There’s no magic formula. Just the unforced rhythms of grace.

Charley's Web

2009-06-18T22:23:00.002-05:00

I have been reading this book called Charley’s Web by Joy Fielding. I purchased it as a light summer read and I have found that I have loved it. The book is a thriller about a woman who is asked to write a book about a babysitter who is convicted of violently murdering three children. Charley is also receiving death threats to her and her children.

What I love about the book is that Charley, who previously had few connections, is forced to trust and reconnect with those around her. The relationships aren’t perfect and some of them are not easy but she has to learn to rely on them (don’t worry I haven’t given you any information that isn’t on the back of the book.)

I think the reason that I love the book so much is that I can identify with it. I have slowly let people into my life over the past several years but I still had a lot of trouble asking for help. Since I had my surgery last year I have grown closer to family members, especially my Dad. He helped me move and has been much more a part of my life since last year. I have been really blessed by that.

And as for asking for help, I am getting better at that too. Yesterday I was in terrible pain and I needed to go to the hospital. Rather than taking a cab I called until I found someone to take me. I’m okay now. Maybe God was just showing me something new about myself (and the pain medication was really helpful.)

Where to Start

2009-05-24T13:24:00.002-05:00

Where to start… I really don’t know what to say in this post except that I know it is time to start blogging. I guess I need to start at the beginning. The beginning for me is why I haven’t been blogging.

My blog is mostly about spiritual things or my spiritual walk. To be honest for the past few months I haven’t had much of a spiritual walk. When people would ask me why I couldn’t really tell them for sure. I would site that I was angry. I was frustrated that life wasn’t working out the way I thought it should. Somehow that answer didn’t even satisfy me. The ironic thing is I needed to go back to church to figure it out.

I figured out that it has nothing to do with not believing in God. Although I was angry I knew I was past that a long time ago. The issue was that walking this walk began to seem somewhat pointless. It didn’t seem to make a difference in my life anymore. So many things were still crappy. I was tired and the extra effort of calling out to God just didn’t seem worth it. I knew God intervened in other people’s lives but I didn’t believe He would intervene in mine any longer.

I have started to realize that even though things aren’t working out for me so well, the alternative has been worse. Nothing terrible has happened. It is just that life has seemed lonely and empty without the journey. So I am slowly getting back on it.

Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-08T20:57:00.000-05:00

I need to acknowledge my grief today but I am afraid to. For a few months I have been living in this fragile equilibrium. I am living on the surface – not wanting to go too deep. Now it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. Part of me just wants to let numbness set in. I could just go to sleep, forget about it for a while. But I know it would just come back in the morning.

I was thinking the other day about what I would buy my Mom this year if she were alive. It would be cool to spoil her on Sunday. She would chastise me for spending so much. We would pretend to argue. Secretly she would be thrilled and I would see her using whatever her gift was over and over. She would talk to her friends about what I gave her.

My Mom would be proud of me – I hope. I can’t say that she would agree with all of my choices. My Mom didn’t believe in God. She would tease me about being a Bible Thumper, going to hang out with the other Bible Thumpers. But I think she would see it made me happy. Maybe it would intrigue her enough to come with me. Who knows…

I do know she would be proud of me for graduating and having a good job. So much of that is because of her. Mom sacrificed so much for me. She supported me in a middle class neighborhood on a waitress’ salary and child support. I was an ungrateful teenager sometimes – thinking that moving to my dad’s would make life easier.

I can see so much of my Mom in me. People tell me I am courageous and resilient. My Mom taught me that. I have an ability to solve problems that comes naturally, my Mom taught me that. I try to be a quiet, gentle, but strong presence in people’s lives in times of trouble. My Mom taught me that.

Grace

2009-04-04T18:19:00.001-05:00

Last week a friend of mine asked me if I believed that God wanted good things for me? The question was not an accusation or coming from some sort of prosperity gospel. The question stayed with me all day and into the evening. I had to respond, that if I were being honest, I would say no. I mean I could quote Scripture that says God does want good things for me. I have seen God do good things for me. Yet I could not be authentic in saying I believed God wanted to bless me given the way I had been acting and feeling. She went on to ask if I had been praying, well no if I don’t believe God wants good things for me praying doesn’t really make sense. She ended the conversation with the statement, ‘there doesn’t seem to be a lot of grace in your day.’

That evening I had the Ministry of Listening. I am part of a team now. So before the evening actually starts we listen to each other so we can sort of clear ourselves to be available and fully present. It was the first time I actually told anyone from beginning to end what I have been experiencing or how I feel. It has been difficult to talk about because there is no big crisis. I have just been disappointed by stepping out in faith and falling over and over.

That day was the beginning of something for me. I can’t say I am all of a sudden on fire for God. I haven’t had some huge insight that made the clouds clear. Yet somehow the power of speaking that experience out loud to a couple of people put it in context. I haven’t made any huge steps. However I am realizing that even though life is hard and I am disappointed, I need help to make it through it. I am pleased to report that this week there has been a little bit more grace in my day.

Bleh

2009-03-21T14:10:00.002-05:00

I have started to write a blog post at least three times now. I have some ideas of what to say but when I start writing nothing that ends up on the page seems to come out coherently. I don’t know how to characterize how I feel, my spiritual life, my physical health, or even everything that is going on in my life other than say ‘bleh.’ There is no big crisis in my life. Yet everyday, normal life seems difficult. On some level I feel like I am just existing. I just get by day to day. Part of me wants to resign to just surviving, the other part of me is fighting that because going beyond just surviving is what I believe God created me for.

What Happens in Vegas

2009-03-07T22:22:00.002-06:00

“But sir,” Gideon replied, “if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?” (Judges 6:13, NIV)

I read Judges 6 when I was in Las Vegas on vacation. My first thought about this was how much just about anyone could relate to the question. My second thought was my surroundings in Vegas. When you walk down the Vegas strip there are rows of people in t-shirts for 1-800-girl-4-u trying to get you to take their little pamphlets. People often go to Vegas to escape the rules. They overeat, carry open liquor legally. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right?

Then I thought about my own circumstances. I was with my family. I was grateful for that but also yearned for it to be less difficult, less complicated. My foot was acting up again which made things really hard. Anyone who has been to Vegas knows that there is a lot of walking involved. Once you are in a hotel, it is next to impossible to get back out until you have walked through the whole thing in the most indirect route possible.

I have been thinking about this passage of the Bible today and I have to admit my heart cries out with the question. I have no doubt that God exists or even that He intervenes in the life of others. But today, life is harder. And I get frustrated with myself that my faith is sometimes so wavering. But that is how I feel today. On the bright side, I know that I won’t feel that way everyday. And I know that Gideon felt that way too.

Testing

2009-01-19T21:39:00.000-06:00

Yesterday at church our pastor taught about testing. I really don’t like that concept or want to think about it. Yet it seems that the Bible is pretty clear that God tests us. So I can’t keep running away from that fact. The other reason is that I began to get the sense as I was listening that perhaps I had been tested in November and December – and failed.

So why would a loving, all knowing God test us? I mean God knows my heart. He knit me in my inner most being. God knew I would fail so why would He test me? Then the answer came to me. Next time maybe I won’t fail. Or maybe it will be the next time after that. Eventually I will be strong enough to withstand the trial.

I took a course on how to study before I started university. One of the things I learned from the course was that the best way to study was to test yourself. The method I used was to make a list of questions. By doing that, I was rarely surprised by any question on the test. I actually learned way more content than was tested.

I wonder if I had recognized that I was being testing if I would have acted differently. Maybe next time…

Be Real

2009-01-17T18:46:00.001-06:00

I was watching my pastor’s teaching online today because I had missed the service on Sunday and I thought I should catch up. I have to admit that I often find ‘vision’ services annoying and something I put up with because I am a part of a church body. I knew that the teaching had something to do with vision because I had seen the first little bit a couple of days ago. I watched the rest and it intrigued me.

What I heard was that he characterized his vision for Soul Sanctuary as being real. I had to stop. Most people would probably say that I had that down pat… I mean I post honest and authentic articles to my blog. I am approachable and easy to talk to. I don’t pretend to be okay when I’m not. Still I sense a challenge in that.

To be honest about being honest… I am selective about what I share. Sometimes that is because it is not wise to post some details to the internet. However, more often that not it is because I don’t want to talk about something or admit something. There is often a long lag in posting to my blog because I don’t want to post until I have come out of something. Maybe that’s okay but I also tend to distance myself from others when I feel that way too.

Even when I do finally share I noticed that I tended to smooth out the rough edges. Instead of talking about sin I talked about darkness. I talked about making bad choices to deal with my pain. I never admitted that I made a series of choices. I never admitted when I was going through it that I was being tempted.

Even beyond the honesty in being real, I sense a greater challenge. Being real is also about being authentic. There was a list of questions in the teaching. Are you praying, are you reading scripture, are you worshipping, are you giving, are you in community? I have to say that I have not been doing all of those things consistently.

In the fall I had a vision of a group of people who would strive to be disciples together. They would pray together, they would lift each other up. They would confess sin. They would have words for each other. They would be reaching out to others outside of the group. That is my prayer for Soul Sanctuary. My prayer for myself is that God would use me somehow to make that happen.

Be Still

2009-01-14T20:22:00.002-06:00

So as I mentioned in my last post I have started to read the Bible every day. My routine is to read first thing when I get up. Before I went back to work I had a nice routine of getting up, making tea, then sitting down to read the Bible. Of course I was pretty well rested by that time too. Now I am getting up really early so I can be into work early. AND I am making sure the read the Bible.

The thing is that I find the quality of this time is much diminished from when I was reading when I had the luxury of not reading at 6am. Now I read much in a fog and I was starting to doubt if there was a point. Yet this morning God shone through again. I was reading the story of Moses when I came to this verse:

“The Lord will fight for you. You need only be still.” Exodus 14:14, NIV

I have been moving forward by changing residences and by waiting for God’s direction in ministry. That has been very difficult and I went through a tough time. Last night I met with a friend who offered me an opportunity to be part of a ministry that I think will be fulfilling and brings me nearer to who Jesus wants me to be. I am excited about finally moving forward. You see God asked Moses and the Israelites to move in big ways. But He also asked them to be still. I could see that in my own life.

In November I sensed God telling me to just wait – that He had something for me. But I was restless to the point of wondering if there was anything left for me to hope for. I gave up to a certain extent. And God has rescued me. I have many reflections on what I have learned... about how I got to where I did. But I am also excited to move forward.

Psalm 103

2009-01-11T17:42:00.003-06:00

Psalm 103:1-22 (NLT)
A psalm of David.

Praise the Lord, I tell myself;
with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name.
[2] Praise the Lord, I tell myself,
and never forget the good things he does for me.
[3] He forgives all my sins
and heals all my diseases.
[4] He ransoms me from death
and surrounds me with love and tender mercies.

So it’s been a long time since I last posted. I even had a really hard time writing my Christmas letter. I got it in just under the wire. My Christmas cards went out late so a bunch of people probably got them after Christmas. I was trying, then I stopped trying, then I started trying again.

Throughout this time God has sent people to rescue me. Particularly one day, right at one of my darkest moments, someone showed up at my door. They didn’t go away when I didn’t answer. They pulled me up. That day I purchased a new Bible and I came across this Psalm. I have been reading the Bible every day since. I have been holding onto this Psalm because this is who God is.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-24T13:49:00.000-06:00

My Christmas letter is posted (better late than never.)

http://mistychristmasletter.blogspot.com/

Trying

2008-12-07T15:11:00.004-06:00

Lately things have been rough. I don’t know how to explain how I got here. I know moving took a lot out of me even though it was a great thing to do. Work has been going well but has been very busy. I left a lot of space in my life to give me time to move and haven’t really filled that with anything else yet. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t much meaning to life. I spent some time remembering my Mom and missing her. None of these things should bring me down on their own but perhaps the combination of them… I can’t really explain.

I made some bad choices to deal with the pain. Somehow I decided that if I made that choice I was making the choice to turn away from church and God. I had used up my chances. I knew that wasn’t biblical. I knew I was wrong but somehow I was unable to get past that.

On Friday there was a bit of a storm during the day and the drive home took a lot longer than normal. I was on the bus so I had a lot of extra time to think. I had realized that I didn’t feel like I could go back to God, but I needed God, but I didn’t feel like I could go back to God… It went back and forth like that all the way home. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I lived as if I didn’t know God. I had lived that way before I knew God. Could I just go back? What would happen to all the friends I had made? And why would I go back? Because I thought I had to.

If I can’t do this ‘being a Christian’ thing right after all of the support then perhaps there is just some deficiency in me. Maybe if I lose faith in the face of adversity, not even real adversity, then I can’t have faith. But I what I kept coming back to was. I need God. I need Jesus.

Yesterday I went to see the movie Australia. I had never heard about it before but Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman I figured it couldn’t be too bad. I thought it was an amazing movie. God really spoke to me through it. I don’t want to give away the plot but there is a point where I was thinking, ‘just give up.’ Not long after that the heroine of the movie says, ‘we have to try.’

Before the movie even got much further I realized that was my answer. I don’t know how to make this all better. I don’t know how to turn back to God and accept his forgiveness. All I know is that I have to try. And that’s what I am doing. I’m trying.

Today I went to church for the first time in a while. I took communion. I’m trying.

Tonight

2008-11-20T20:14:00.001-06:00

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about what to ‘do’ with all of this sadness I feel. God brought some people to mind I work with who have also lost loved ones. All of their losses are more recent than mine. Then I thought about how when I was honest about how I felt many people reached out to me. God carried me and protected me.

I thought about the people around me who may not have the same level of support I have or don’t have anyone to talk to about their grief. As hard as the last week has been, it would have been much harder had my friends not been supporting me. I have felt your prayers and been truly grateful for them.

Tonight I feel tired, in a good way. I don’t feel spent or lifeless. I just feel like it would be good to sleep.

Ghosts

2008-11-16T12:59:00.003-06:00

I was watching a television program where a young doctor is being ‘haunted’ by the ghost of her fiancé. The interesting thing is this haunting is not all that scary. In fact, her fiancé is not ghoulish or frightening at all. Yet she wants so much to get rid of him even though she loves him and wants nothing more than for him to be with her again.

The thing about ghosts is that they keep you stuck in the past. That is why this young woman wants to get rid of her ghost. What I am noticing is that everyone around her knows something is wrong but she doesn’t want to tell anyone. She won’t talk about her ghost or her feelings.

Some days I wonder how God expects me to move forward, never mind live abundantly. November is a month that I generally struggle in. I have been fighting the feeling the past several days. I just need to acknowledge that I am a little bit sad. Maybe that is why I have this feeling of being stuck. I have things I need to deal with but have not.

Whenever I have a major change I start to miss my Mom. She is not here to share in seeing the newness of the new place. I think about the empty place where she should be. I think about all the things I wish I would have said. I know she would be so proud of me, my job, my new place. She would celebrate my new appliances with me when they come.

As I begin to make Christmas arrangements part of me feels like I am betraying her. Christmas without my Mom just never feels right. Perhaps that is why I always end up putting it off. November 20th is the anniversary of her passing. Somehow I feel like I can't engage the busyness of Christmas before that date.

So maybe it’s okay to just be for a while. I have been so blessed by God in the past few months I almost feel guilty asking. But Father will you come into that place where I feel empty?

In The Starting Gate... Having a Nap

2008-11-08T08:18:00.003-06:00

I feel like I am stuck right now. I have spent the last two and a half months focusing on getting the house ready to sell, then packing, then unpacking and settling in. I always had that major ‘to-do’ on my list. Now, while I still have a few decorative things to take care of, all of that is behind me and I wonder what my next steps are. You know what’s funny? In the meantime I don’t want to do anything.

I am listening to the people outside clear the snow off their cars. I should probably do that. I started cleaning my apartment last weekend but didn’t quite finish. It’s not that dirty and I could clean it really quickly. I should probably do that too. Oh I need a few groceries…

I have spent so long being overwhelmed that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I have dreams. I want to walk alongside people who are hurting. I want to show others how to share their faith. I want to spend more time writing and posting to this blog. My heart aches to have more to life than just going to work and coming home. My problem is where do I start?

Tied Up In Knots

2008-10-20T22:02:00.003-05:00

I have been so blessed that God has met me in the details of my move. There have been a few close calls – hours where my stomach was tied up in knots. Then whatever I was stressed about would be resolved. I would be elated but also a little bit guilty. Why didn’t I just have faith? Why did I allow myself to get that way?

God is teaching me about that. First of all I thought about the summer. I was so anxious and nothing brought me relief. Yet I also was hungry for God. I was open. I listened. I ended up moving into a condo where I feel safe and secure. I have much less to worry about, much less to do. I wondered if it hadn’t been for that feeling how I would have been propelled to the decision.

Second, why do I necessarily associate that feeling in my stomach with not having faith? Perhaps it is not about whether or not I have the feeling but what I do with the feeling. Do I turn to God or to other things? I won’t say I always turn to God. Sometimes I turn to other things. If I always try to manage the feeling in my stomach rather than recognize that it means I need to seek Him, I will be in danger of always getting caught in a trap.

One Hundredth Post...

2008-10-20T21:56:00.002-05:00

I was about to post here and I realized that this is about to be my 100th post. I can't just post any old thing here can I? Hmmm....

Blogging has been an amazing experience for me. In a way it is part of the way I serve God. I share so that others may be blessed and encouraged by my journey. I also find that I work through so much of my 'stuff' by writing about it. If I didn't have an audience I wouldn't write nearly as often as I do. Thank you for reading and for sharing. And thank you for coming along for the twists and bends and travelling in reverse.

When I read some old postings I marvel at how much God has brought me through and how much I have grown. I enjoy going back and reading those posts. I remember the feelings and the thoughts. I remember God's work in my life. When God 'remembers' someone, he is about to do a work in their life. When we remember, we do a work in our own life.

Happy Dam-it

2008-10-06T20:38:00.002-05:00

I realized last week that I was taking a big chance talking about happiness. I have always been reluctant to ‘admit’ that I was happy because it seems like every time I did the shit hit the fan. I noticed last week that I was starting to have some darker thoughts. It started with imagining what would happen if I got sick again. Then all the bad things that can happen when one move. Then I noticed that some dark thoughts were coming into my head. I fought all of it but it seemed to stay.

Perhaps this is not some defect of my mind or my spiritual maturity. Mid-week last week I resolved to be happy. That worked for a bit but then a fairly significant problem with the house sale/new condo purchase came up on Thursday. This whole process has been teaching me to trust. I am not only trusting God in a general way but trusting that I am able to discern His guidance. That has been constantly attacked.

So I sent out a note to my friends and prayed myself as well. And God provided. I am also learning that perhaps it is not that I am unable to trust. I don’t talk about this very often on my blog but there is an enemy of our soul. I have worked so hard to try and become more emotionally mature. I have sought God. I have grown a lot. I know I am a different person than I was even this time last year.

But no matter how hard I try I still have these thoughts sometimes. And I am beginning to realize that maybe at this point the battle isn’t with my mind so much as with the lies I am being told. Perhaps the biggest lie is that I am somehow defective and it is impossible for me to be happy. I AM happy dam-it

A Change Is As Good As A Rest

2008-09-28T20:43:00.001-05:00

Today I was amazed at all of the changes in a very short time. I looked back to how I felt less than two months ago. I was upset, overwhelmed, and on vacation! I couldn’t believe how miserable I was. I had a lot of trouble enjoying my time off. I wouldn’t say it was exactly relaxing. I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t deliver me. Today, during the worship in church, I understood.

My process to get to the place where I realized it was time to move happened during my vacation. And while I was totally overwhelmed on vacation I am at peace now. If you think about it, that’s a miracle. Moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. I am fortunate that all has gone smoothly so far. I feel really good and I am looking forward to the day I actually move.

I don’t know where the saying “A change is as good as a rest” comes from but I have been thinking about how true it is in this situation. I believe God has held my hand through all of this. The process of selling and buying was extremely stressful. I find that now that part as done, I feel new again. I am happy. I don’t deserve it. But I don’t not deserve it either. Thank you God for this time, and for being so patient with me.

Acceptance

2008-09-17T21:27:00.005-05:00

Last night I was freaking out. Everything is going so well that I really can't handle it. Yes, I am a bit weird. I realized that deep down somewhere I don't think I deserve all that is happening. I have so much joy about my new home. I realize now that God was using everything in the summer to help bring me to this point.

I realized that I have trouble accepting God's blessing. He has led me to this new place. He has blessed me with a home where I really believe I will be very happy and comfortable. Yet there is a part of me that is having trouble accepting this blessing. I don't say this tritely but I clearly heard God say to me last night, "I am trying to bless you!" If frustration is an emotion we can ascribe to God I think that was what I heard in His voice. I have as much trouble accepting the good as the bad. Sometimes surrender is as much about allowing God to do his work in the good times as it is about accepting the bad circumstance. At least it seems that way for me.

Changes

2008-09-10T18:42:00.003-05:00

If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. (Psalm 139:9-10)

It’s been a long time since I have posted. Life has been quite the whirlwind. The way I left my blog may give some the impression that things got much worse so I just stopped writing. In fact the opposite is true. Things have become much better.

Just over three weeks ago I decided to move. I did a lot of work around the house to prepare it to sell. On Monday I sold the house. Now I have to find a new place to live. The possession date for the house I am currently in is a little over a month away. Yet I have a sense of peace about it all.

I have been able to sense God’s presence through this whole process. It has been stressful and exhausting at times but it has also been really rewarding. I could even see God’s hand in the couple who purchased my house. They were looking for a house just like mine (there are very few houses like mine in the city.) They are thrilled and so am I.

Yesterday I had an awesome meeting at work. On the way home I started thinking about all of the changes and possibilities. I had the thought that maybe this is my year. Maybe this is the year I am going to look back on and say that this was a ‘summer’ season in my life. All of a sudden I got really scared. What if I was wrong? I have been hopeful and optimistic before…

As I calmed down I started to think about what exactly would make a year ‘my year’ anyway. Am I waiting for a year absent of trial? God doesn’t promise that. What He does promise is that He will find us where ever we go.

This past year has been one of the most challenging of my life (I think of life in terms of school years.) Yet this year has been the most abundant year of my life. I have seen meaning in the darkest of times. I have connected with people in new ways. I am starting to learn the art of inter-dependence. I am seeing in myself a greater capacity to love.

So as I embark in this new exciting time I learn to trust Him more and more.

Tears - Psalm 56-8

2008-08-15T15:25:00.004-05:00

I used to think I had run out of tears
Empty, pointless I was done crying
Yet God came and coaxed them out
His well never runs dry

Some days
I wonder
If there is a point
All these tears never ending

God’s mercy is in tears
Cleansing, sometimes comforting
Always somehow an expression
Of a yearning for something

In my tears I lose control
I give them to Him
He is my Saviour
He collects my tears

Anxious 2

2008-08-09T20:41:00.002-05:00

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? (Luke 12:25, TNIV)

Sometimes I wonder if my faith is too shallow and in many ways I am certain it is. I have noticed that when things start to go wrong I start to doubt within my core being that God will intervene in my struggle or trial. Oddly enough this seems to happen when the small stuff starts to get to me.

Even within my doubt I know somewhere that God is there. Yet I still find myself anxious, stressed and overwhelmed. No matter how often I proclaim God’s goodness or remember His faithfulness there are times when the worry doesn’t pass.

So I search for ways to make myself feel better and I feel certain guilt. The Bible tells us not to fear doesn’t it? So where does that leave those who are afraid? Are we outside of God’s will? Have I sinned? How do I stop sinning?

No wonder the anxiety gets worse. If I believe that letting the things of the world get to me is putting me out of God’s protection then I am going to put as much effort as I can into not letting it get to me. Yet it just gets worse. I cry out to God to help me but I still believe the lie that I have to get rid of the stress on my own.

I felt God calling me to the park today. So I drove to a nice park, sat on a bench with my Bible and my journal, and let God lead me. On some level I knew I was looking for the verse above. The Scripture from Luke is often referenced for those seeking answers on what to do with anxiety. The passage by itself leaves me feeling helpless and alone. Yet when I read the verses surrounding it I realized it is wrapped with encouragement.

Consider the ravens. They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable are you than the birds! (Luke 12:24, TNIV)

Thank you Jesus for meeting me where I am at today!

Remembering

2008-08-07T22:10:00.002-05:00

When I had my surgery I was amazed by and grateful for the smallest things. When you think about I was paralyzed, put to sleep, had a machine breathing for me, a surgeon cut me open, pulled out my appendix, stapled my skin back together, then they woke me up, encouraged me to breathe, then walk… The fact that we can survive and even thrive after that is a miracle.

One of the first signs I noticed that things were getting back to normal was when I yawned the third night I was home. There is a wholesome healthy feeling to yawning. I had been exhausted up until then but never yawned. The next day I was walking better and I started to be able to eat more normally. Little by little I was more able to function.

When I am fearful that God has abandoned me I think about that yawn. I think it is a marker for me. Tonight as the stress of life is overwhelming I remember the yawn. And I proclaim that this too shall pass.

Turned

2008-08-02T19:23:00.005-05:00

Thursday during our church gathering I was reminded about something that happened in December. I haven’t discussed it with very many people. I came to the point just before Christmas where I gave up on my faith. I didn’t stop believing in God. I stopped believing God.

The consequences of that decision were dramatic and very quick. I came to believe that the fight wasn’t good. I gave up. Suddenly I found myself plunged into a very dark place. I used to be very comfortable there. I was surprised to find myself desperate to get out. So I grabbed my Bible and looked up something in the guide about being far from God.

I read Jeremiah 2:22 which says:

"No amount of soap or lye can make you clean. You are stained with guilt that cannot be washed away." I, the sovereign LORD, have spoken.

Wow that’s harsh…. I looked up the reference again. I was reading the wrong chapter. Jeremiah 3:22 says:

“My way ward children” says the LORD, “come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.”

Besides being a huge relief I was glad that I had read the wrong verse first. I could not cleanse myself. I couldn’t fix it. But my God was there waiting for me. I just needed to turn back to Him. I am so grateful that my faith doesn’t depend solely on my consistent belief in God’s promise. And in many ways God did heal my heart, slowly and gently.

So why was I thinking about that this on Thursday. One of the things our pastor touched on resonated with the experience in December. Yet it also resonated with my experience today. I am not actively angry. I haven’t “turned from God” like I did in December. Yet in some ways I feel my compass is off. I am apathetic. In some ways I think that is harder to deal with than the active anger.

Feelings

2008-07-13T21:21:00.002-05:00

Somehow I grew up to believe that my job was to survive life. I saw my life as a series of trials to get through punctuated (hopefully short sentences) with some good times. I had good reason to believe that. It seemed that I had more than my share of heartache and loss by the time I was twenty two. I wanted something better but the life of abundance seemed to be something others had.

If you live with those assumptions, it isn’t a far stretch to believe that it would be best to get through the crisis and loss with the least amount of emotion possible. What would be the point of feeling all of that deeply? In some ways it doesn’t make sense to engage deep emotion if you don’t believe in God. If you don’t believe in God there is no anchor, no refuge, no safe harbor, and no safety net.

I decided not long after I became a Christian that one of the ways I wanted to live differently was to feel more deeply. Believing in God gave me the courage to do that. Slowly I came out of numbness. It hasn’t been easy but it is better.

Cult

2008-07-13T21:10:00.002-05:00

This morning I was watching a documentary about a cult that existed in Quebec and Ontario in the seventies. One of the experts described the process of getting pulled into a cult. He said that members often tell him about a conversion experience. They feel instantly welcome and different than they have felt before. In their hearts they crave more of it. They ask for a next step. They will do anything to keep having their experience.

When I think about church I often struggle with the fact that I am not necessarily feeling an instant connection and intimacy. It is work to be part of a church. I crave the feeling of being part of the group. I want to be part of something that pulls me in. Something that makes me want to take the next step. Sound familiar? I think in a lot of ways I have been looking for an experience that would only be satisfied by a cult. How scary is that?

Anxious

2008-07-06T21:36:00.002-05:00

Last week was challenging for me. No there was not a crisis at work. I wasn’t even extremely busy. It was just a bunch of little things that challenged my feeling of peace. I have been feeling overwhelmed by life lately. I don’t know why.

After I had surgery I remember thinking that the little stuff would never get to me again. For weeks I had that perspective. I let the little stuff go. However it was also a struggle sometimes because most things didn’t seem to matter. It was difficult to re-engage work when you have the perspective that only life-threatening events really matter.

I have found myself back into work. I think I am taking a balanced perspective. I have found it a lot less frustrating lately. I have let go of a lot. I have a great week at the end of June. I remembered why I enjoy my job. I felt like I had contributed something meaningful.

Last weekend I posted about feeling distant from God. I tried to spend time in prayer but I couldn’t really settle down enough to feel connected. So I read the Bible. I read for quite a while but I settled on Psalm 91. I have been trying to read the first part of it out loud before I go to sleep:

1 Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 This I declare of the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I am trusting him.
3 For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from the fatal plague.
4 He will shield you with his wings.
He will shelter you with his feathers.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
5 Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor fear the dangers of the day,
6 nor dread the plague that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

Service Engine Soon

2008-06-29T16:40:00.002-05:00

Today I was supposed to go and visit my Dad. He lives on a nice creek. It is a beautiful day out. I got a few kilometers down the road and the ‘Service Engine Soon’ light in my car came on. I just brought my car in last week and I trust the mechanic so I don’t think my car is going to blow up. Yet it didn’t make sense to chance a drive all the way out there.

I was really disappointed. I found myself stuck there (in the disappointment) and not knowing what to do about it. I have been fighting with myself all day. It would be so easy just to go and buy something or do something else I shouldn’t. I felt God calling me to Him hours ago. So what did I do? I played a video game for two hours. Why do I believe these lies?

I know that missing out at a day at the lake isn’t the end of the world. I could have recovered the day quite nicely. Yet the little things are adding up and getting to me lately. I realized this afternoon that it isn’t only my car’s engine that needs attention. I can’t let my spiritual life slide.

Insult to Injury

2008-06-29T16:36:00.001-05:00

A few weeks after my surgery my foot started to hurt. It started as an ache in the middle of the night that seemed like a cramp. Two days later I was icing my foot and I could barely walk. The pain kept me awake. Even the strong medication I had didn’t put a dent in the pain. I woke up in the middle of the night and my foot was so swollen that I thought I might have a clot. I went to the hospital and I didn’t have a clot. But the doctors there couldn’t really help me. They didn’t know what the problem was.

When the pain in my foot started I was so discouraged. It was like adding insult to injury. I was getting better after the surgery. I was going for walks everyday. I was almost ready to go back to work and all of a sudden it was horribly painful to walk again. This time the pain wasn’t part of a healing process that I knew would be short term.

It has been a very difficult year for me physically. I hurt my wrist last summer and went to physiotherapy for months. Then I had the appendectomy, then the foot issue. I think in some ways I gave up. The feeling of wanting to make something of my life seems less urgent if it is there at all. In some ways I have a “life’s a bitch and then you die” attitude.

I am not depressed. I don’t know what this is. With the summer it has been easy to slip into a rhythm of doing little and doing whatever feels good. Yet I have this feeling of anxiety, lack of groundedness. I miss God. It’s not that He isn’t there anymore. I have chosen to ignore His calling on my life the past few weeks. Father please forgive me.

Self Care

2008-06-15T21:00:00.002-05:00

When I was first home after surgery I could only really focus on taking care of myself. I made sure that I either gave myself a sponge bath or took a shower, prepared meals that always included a fruit or vegetable, made sure I got enough protein, went for walks, drank plenty of water, got plenty of rest. Although I was healing and often extremely tired I did notice that when I did feel good I felt really good (the opposite was true too.) I realized today that it was probably a function of taking care of myself.

It is ironic that as I have returned to my normal routine a lot of that has gone out the window. In some ways I found myself yearning for that time of intentional self care. I miss the rhythm I had of getting up and focusing on healing and wellness. I had a list of things I absolutely had to do to take care of myself. That was my only job. Now I find that I am always focusing what is going to happen when I get to work or wherever I am going. I don’t miss the pain or the extreme fatigue except that they were a good barometer. They forced me to take care of myself.

The Truth

2008-06-10T20:58:00.003-05:00

About 18 months ago I started a bible study with a couple of co-workers. The bible study was called Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby. One of the concepts Blackaby talked about was that the truth is a Person. We talked about that in our study. It really didn’t make a lot of sense. Part of me knew I understood it on some deep level and I just couldn’t explain it. I think I also had a sense that it was something very important.

As I have told the story of my appendectomy through this blog one thing has become very evident to me. When I just simply wrote what happened and how I felt God was very easy to see. God was in every moment of it, guiding me, caring for me, protecting me, sending people to care for me, prompting people to pray, reassuring me that I would be okay, helping me turn to Him.

The truth is not some static concept. The truth is a Person. It is the Truth that sustains me.

In Control

2008-06-08T12:59:00.003-05:00

This morning I realized that my Mom would have turned 65 last December. I started thinking about the ‘what-if’s.’ If my Mom were alive I would have planned a really big party for her. I would have made it a surprise party but she would have found out. I would rent a room in the back of a restaurant that had food my Mom loved. My family would be there. My brother would be alive too (I mean if you are going to be in the what-if’s you may as well go all the way) and there with his wife and three kids. I guess that at least two of my brother’s kids would have driven themselves because they are adults now.

I wonder what my life would be like if my Mom were still alive. Would we live together still? If we lived together where would we live? I wondered how our days together would look like. Sharing meals together would be a nice experience to have. I have lived on my own for so long I barely remember what it is like to live with someone else. Although I was 22 when my Mom died I was only technically an adult. I still hadn’t experienced a real job or having to be totally responsible for myself financially.

Then I remembered that I am a Christian. I believe in a God who is in control of all things. Thinking about the experiences our losses have robbed us of is certainly part of the process. However I think I have a tendency to live my life as if things are not as they should be. My life is not a mistake. I am not a mistake. I believe in a God who was, who is, and always will be in control.

Happiness

2008-06-07T09:48:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I realized I was really happy and calm. I thought about it and there wasn’t really much of a reason. Work is challenging right now. My foot is still very sore and it is often difficult to walk. It was raining which usually makes me irritable. Yet here I was. Happy for no reason.

I cherish those times when I feel that way. I did not will myself to cheer up. I believe that God does that for us. I know life isn’t about being happy all the time but it is sure nice when it happens. I had a great evening out with a friend. We laughed so hard we were in tears. It sucked that Chapters was closing and we had to leave.

Truth Part 6

2008-06-04T20:59:00.001-05:00

When you have surgery they like to paint you with iodine. I mean they don’t just paint the area where they are cutting or even what you would think would be around it. They paint feet around the incision. The iodine needs to come off.

After my surgery, in the middle of the night, the nurse was explaining this to me. They were going to clean the iodine off. I had the orange iodine stain from half way up my stomach to about a quarter of the way to my knee on my leg. A medical aide cleaned it off for me.

For some reason this process has become a light bulb moment for me. I remember this humble kind young woman gently cleaning off the iodine from my skin. There was a light on in the room over my bed but it was still pretty dark. It was just after surgery. I couldn’t move very much. I certainly wouldn’t have been able to sit up. I was exposed and vulnerable to her.

The woman slowly took a cloth with warm, soapy water, and cleaned off the iodine in sections. She would clean a small section and then dry it off with a towel so I didn’t get cold. If I jumped a little when she got to a tender spot she would apologize and slow down even more.

I thought about that experience quite often after the surgery. It seemed very important to me. I know God sent her to take care of me but it was more than that. One day God told me that was a tangible picture of how He restores us. He takes those broken, vulnerable, exposed pieces and gently, painstakingly cleans them off if we let Him. He even cares enough to dry us off so we don’t get cold.

Truth Part 5

2008-06-04T20:19:00.002-05:00

Earlier in the day, when I was in the first hospital, I had thought about the kind of patient I wanted to be. I thought about the fact that I am a Christian and I should be shining light into the world. I tried to be as polite as I could. I tried to express my gratitude to the people that helped me and always say thank you. I think for the most part I did that.

Yet I think I had more in mind. Did people know I was a Christian by something other than the presence of pastors and church people at the hospital? Did they know me by my love? I don’t think they would have.

When I woke up from surgery I was not prepared for the pain I would experience. The first thing I remember is the anesthetist saying, “Wake up Misty, the surgery went well.” The next thing that immediately followed it was an explosion of pain. It was worse than before the surgery. I just kept saying (screaming to the extent I could) “Ouch, it hurts, ouch…” I think I started to panic. “I also remember saying that I didn’t like being awake. I was only sort of kidding.

I suppose that reaction is only natural. I know that nurses in recovery probably have seen a wide range of experiences. I just hoped mine would be better. At least I did say thank you to the nurse that had taken care of me in recovery when I got to my room.

Even beyond that I wish I could have affected my roommate or the nurses on the ward or even the medical aides. I guess it is not all up to me.

Truth Part 4

2008-06-01T16:15:00.003-05:00

Are any among you sick? They should call for the elders of the church and have them pray over them, anointing them with oil in the name of the Lord. (James 5:14)

While I was in the emergency department a couple of people came to see me. The first was my pastor and the second was my best friend’s husband. After being home alone for 36 hours in pain followed by being in two different hospitals for 18 hours before they took me to surgery it was amazingly comforting to see people I knew. I also had a sense of being taken care of. I ended up having someone with me until I was taken up to surgery.

While my pastor was there he anointed me while oil and prayed over me. I believe that is the moment that God saved my life. Later the doctor told me that the appendix was really bad. It had perforated in a way that was safer than if the main part of my appendix had ruptured. My appendix was ½ hour to 45 minutes away from rupture. I was already really sick and weak. I didn’t have a lot of reserve left. I can’t prove it. I just know. If my appendix had ruptured I wouldn’t have survived it.

So what if I hadn’t been anointed? Why are others anointed and still die? I don’t know. I do know that God is bigger than our symbols. I know that He makes choices over life and death and I don’t understand them. Of course He could have saved me without the oil. He was in the process of saving me by nudging me to go to the hospital at the right time and making sure I got the surgery in time. I still believe in the power of being anointed.

The knowledge that God saved me should have filled me with joy. Instead thinking about how close I came to death upset me. I couldn’t figure that out. I know that part of the problem was that the experience was just plain traumatic and I had to process that. Yet there was something more. I knew that there was something else I needed to figure out.

One day about a week after the surgery I figured it out. If I had died, what hole would I leave in the world? Yes I know people would miss me. But how would people’s lives be different if I was gone? What difference would it make? Six months after I was gone what would be worse about the world than before I left it?

I know that I have heard people ask that question or prompt me to ask that question of myself. I have never felt it as deeply as I did after the surgery. God had spared me and my life should mean something. Why was I saved and other people who are way more deserving than I am die? Why do children who have so much promise and life ahead of them die and I live? I had this sudden realization that in many ways I have been wasting my life.

Once I had that realization I also came to the conclusion that it was too much pressure to decide what it was God wanted of me right then. My job at the time was to heal from the surgery. Since then I have been waiting for God to show me what it is that He has planned. I have been frustrated because my physical healing has been slow (and complicated by foot injury on the opposite side.) Today I decided that those revelations come one day at a time. I need to rest in Him. Perhaps that is part of what the anointing was about.

Healing

2008-05-31T20:09:00.002-05:00

A week and a bit after my surgery I went to my family doctor to have my staples removed. We were talking about going back to work and I mentioned that they didn’t really want me to be there if I was sick. For some reason it was important to her that she correct me. She said, “You are not sick. The sick part of you was taken out. You are recovering.”

Today I was at a women’s conference at my church. The topic was around the area of emotional healing. Near the end of the day I started thinking about that appointment. I thought about the way God heals. So many times in my life I have wondered if I was okay, normal, whether the fact that I still struggled meant that God had not healed me. Today God told me, “I have removed the sick part of you. Now you are recovering.”

The Fork in The Road I Haven't Found Yet

2008-05-27T20:44:00.001-05:00

I have noticed that in the past couple of days I have had a general sense of dissatisfaction with everything. I am grumpy. Everything pisses me off. I am having trouble keeping the little stuff in perspective. As I was waiting for the bus to take me home (and on the bus too) I kept going over the latest reason why I feel like I have been overlooked. The sane part of me kept trying to let go but I couldn’t.

Do you ever feel like you need to make a decision about something but you are not sure what the question is? I feel that way. I want to start changing everything and adjusting to see if I can find a way to feel better. Yet I know I have to be patient. God will show me what He is after. I am finding it hard to be patient…