Unforced Rhythms of Grace

My Christmas letter is posted (better late than never.) http://mistychristmasletter.blogspot.com/

Lately things have been rough. I don’t know how to explain how I got here. I know moving took a lot out of me even though it was a great thing to do. Work has been going well but has been very busy. I left a lot of space in my life to give me time to move and haven’t really filled that with anything else yet. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t much meaning to life. I spent some time remembering my Mom and missing her. None of these things should bring me down on their own but perhaps the combination of them… I can’t really explain. I made some bad choices to deal with the pain. Somehow I decided that if I made that choice I was making the choice to turn away from church and God. I had used up my chances. I knew that wasn’t biblical. I knew I was wrong but somehow I was unable to get past that. On Friday there was a bit of a storm during the day and the drive home took a lot longer than normal. I was on the bus so I had a lot of extra time to think. I had realized that I...

Last night I was lying in bed thinking about what to ‘do’ with all of this sadness I feel. God brought some people to mind I work with who have also lost loved ones. All of their losses are more recent than mine. Then I thought about how when I was honest about how I felt many people reached out to me. God carried me and protected me. I thought about the people around me who may not have the same level of support I have or don’t have anyone to talk to about their grief. As hard as the last week has been, it would have been much harder had my friends not been supporting me. I have felt your prayers and been truly grateful for them. Tonight I feel tired, in a good way. I don’t feel spent or lifeless. I just feel like it would be good to sleep.

I was watching a television program where a young doctor is being ‘haunted’ by the ghost of her fiancé. The interesting thing is this haunting is not all that scary. In fact, her fiancé is not ghoulish or frightening at all. Yet she wants so much to get rid of him even though she loves him and wants nothing more than for him to be with her again. The thing about ghosts is that they keep you stuck in the past. That is why this young woman wants to get rid of her ghost. What I am noticing is that everyone around her knows something is wrong but she doesn’t want to tell anyone. She won’t talk about her ghost or her feelings. Some days I wonder how God expects me to move forward, never mind live abundantly. November is a month that I generally struggle in. I have been fighting the feeling the past several days. I just need to acknowledge that I am a little bit sad. Maybe that is why I have this feeling of being stuck. I have things I need to deal with but have not. Whenever I ha...

I feel like I am stuck right now. I have spent the last two and a half months focusing on getting the house ready to sell, then packing, then unpacking and settling in. I always had that major ‘to-do’ on my list. Now, while I still have a few decorative things to take care of, all of that is behind me and I wonder what my next steps are. You know what’s funny? In the meantime I don’t want to do anything. I am listening to the people outside clear the snow off their cars. I should probably do that. I started cleaning my apartment last weekend but didn’t quite finish. It’s not that dirty and I could clean it really quickly. I should probably do that too. Oh I need a few groceries… I have spent so long being overwhelmed that now I don’t know what to do with myself. I have dreams. I want to walk alongside people who are hurting. I want to show others how to share their faith. I want to spend more time writing and posting to this blog. My heart aches to have more to life than...

I have been so blessed that God has met me in the details of my move. There have been a few close calls – hours where my stomach was tied up in knots. Then whatever I was stressed about would be resolved. I would be elated but also a little bit guilty. Why didn’t I just have faith? Why did I allow myself to get that way? God is teaching me about that. First of all I thought about the summer. I was so anxious and nothing brought me relief. Yet I also was hungry for God. I was open. I listened. I ended up moving into a condo where I feel safe and secure. I have much less to worry about, much less to do. I wondered if it hadn’t been for that feeling how I would have been propelled to the decision. Second, why do I necessarily associate that feeling in my stomach with not having faith? Perhaps it is not about whether or not I have the feeling but what I do with the feeling. Do I turn to God or to other things? I won’t say I always turn to God. Sometimes I turn to other thi...

I was about to post here and I realized that this is about to be my 100th post. I can't just post any old thing here can I? Hmmm.... Blogging has been an amazing experience for me. In a way it is part of the way I serve God. I share so that others may be blessed and encouraged by my journey. I also find that I work through so much of my 'stuff' by writing about it. If I didn't have an audience I wouldn't write nearly as often as I do. Thank you for reading and for sharing. And thank you for coming along for the twists and bends and travelling in reverse. When I read some old postings I marvel at how much God has brought me through and how much I have grown. I enjoy going back and reading those posts. I remember the feelings and the thoughts. I remember God's work in my life. When God 'remembers' someone, he is about to do a work in their life. When we remember, we do a work in our own life.