Friday, August 17, 2007

Perfection


I have a flower bed that is mostly infested with weeds. All of a sudden this flower popped up. I have tried to pull this plant a few times and it just wouldn't come up. It is kind of a miracle really. I took this picture the day I wrote this:
Fall clothing enchants me with the long sleeves, silky blouses, and comfortably hanging pants. The arrival of fall attire reminds me of back-to-school days past with its promise of newness and a fresh start. I realize that is almost half way through August and I sit in my back yard reading for the first time this season. I have already given up on summer like a broken promise.

Summer began with the excitement of planning a trip, and some new clothes that reflected a new attitude and excitement about life that held the promise of permanence. And summer itself brings the promise of freedom from routine, being stuck inside, and trapped in outfits that include socks. And now the vacation brought illness, the break from routine has given me the opportunity to work more hours than ever before and my arm is covered in a splint that supports my sprained wrist. The new clothes don’t seem to go with a splint. The new attitude has been replaced by old habits and new anxieties.

So it is no wonder that I have given up on summer. I yearn for fall’s promise of protection – the safety and security of routine that is symbolized by the gentle covering of fall clothing. I find hope in the possibility of a re-do. I forget, for now, the anxiety of a full evening schedule and the assault of cold rainy weather that seeps into the bones like only a fall chill can.

Yet as I sit outside enjoying what feels like the perfect temperature and listen to crickets far enough away to be charming I feel a sense of peace. I contemplate creation and remember – it is good.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Rubble

Everything feels like it has come crumbling down around me. In an odd sort of way I am okay with that. There is a sense of release. I don’t have to hold it together anymore because it is clearly not together. There is a sense of freedom in that.

Okay


A lot of time I find myself yearning for peace. Being happy is good, yes. That is not what I strive for. I strive for peace – the feeling that things are right with my world. I wonder sometimes if everyone else has this. I know that many in our world are yearning for the same thing. We turn to drugs or whatever else comforts us to make us feel like we are okay if only for a moment.

Isn’t it interesting how when someone asks how we are we mot often say okay or fine? I have often thought how it seems like the question ‘how are you?’ has become a salutation. If you don’t give the correct response you throw people off. Or would they even hear it?

My faith teaches me that I am okay even if I am not necessarily feeling and experiencing that in the short term. This past couple of weeks I have been made more and more aware of my limitations, my weaknesses. I am learning that sometimes in order to become okay you have to admit that you are not.