Sunday, May 24, 2009

Where to Start

Where to start… I really don’t know what to say in this post except that I know it is time to start blogging. I guess I need to start at the beginning. The beginning for me is why I haven’t been blogging.

My blog is mostly about spiritual things or my spiritual walk. To be honest for the past few months I haven’t had much of a spiritual walk. When people would ask me why I couldn’t really tell them for sure. I would site that I was angry. I was frustrated that life wasn’t working out the way I thought it should. Somehow that answer didn’t even satisfy me. The ironic thing is I needed to go back to church to figure it out.

I figured out that it has nothing to do with not believing in God. Although I was angry I knew I was past that a long time ago. The issue was that walking this walk began to seem somewhat pointless. It didn’t seem to make a difference in my life anymore. So many things were still crappy. I was tired and the extra effort of calling out to God just didn’t seem worth it. I knew God intervened in other people’s lives but I didn’t believe He would intervene in mine any longer.

I have started to realize that even though things aren’t working out for me so well, the alternative has been worse. Nothing terrible has happened. It is just that life has seemed lonely and empty without the journey. So I am slowly getting back on it.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

I need to acknowledge my grief today but I am afraid to. For a few months I have been living in this fragile equilibrium. I am living on the surface – not wanting to go too deep. Now it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. Part of me just wants to let numbness set in. I could just go to sleep, forget about it for a while. But I know it would just come back in the morning.

I was thinking the other day about what I would buy my Mom this year if she were alive. It would be cool to spoil her on Sunday. She would chastise me for spending so much. We would pretend to argue. Secretly she would be thrilled and I would see her using whatever her gift was over and over. She would talk to her friends about what I gave her.

My Mom would be proud of me – I hope. I can’t say that she would agree with all of my choices. My Mom didn’t believe in God. She would tease me about being a Bible Thumper, going to hang out with the other Bible Thumpers. But I think she would see it made me happy. Maybe it would intrigue her enough to come with me. Who knows…

I do know she would be proud of me for graduating and having a good job. So much of that is because of her. Mom sacrificed so much for me. She supported me in a middle class neighborhood on a waitress’ salary and child support. I was an ungrateful teenager sometimes – thinking that moving to my dad’s would make life easier.

I can see so much of my Mom in me. People tell me I am courageous and resilient. My Mom taught me that. I have an ability to solve problems that comes naturally, my Mom taught me that. I try to be a quiet, gentle, but strong presence in people’s lives in times of trouble. My Mom taught me that.