Worthy

For the summer our church is having services on Thursday in addition to Sunday.  I always tend to go for the smaller more intimate gatherings.  So when I found out they were having a Thursday gathering I offered to help.  I am doing the media (running the software that puts the worship songs and pastor’s presentation) for the summer.  It feels really good to be involved again.

We had a guest speaker who was talking about communion.  He talked about how some people, especially those who grew up in the church, struggle with taking communion when they don’t feel like they have it all together.  That feeling is based on the following scripture:

Therefore, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of sinning against the body and blood of the Lord. (1Cor11:27, NIV) 

The speaker argued that the passage is not referring to sin or struggle or doubt.  He said a lot of good things but the thing that stuck out for me was to think of the opposite.  Could we ever think we are worthy to go to the table?  I laughed out loud.  How could we ever possibly feel worthy of eating of the body and drinking of the blood of Christ?

I have never struggled with taking communion.  I have always been part of a church that taught we should be taking communion when we are struggling.  But when I think about the symbolism of communion I have to step back.  Accepting the gift of Jesus’ unconditional love is something I struggle with.  I have fallen.  I have turned away.  I walk with a sense of guilt and trepidation.  But how could I ever be worthy?

A Strange Sort of Wonderful

I am wondering about certainty. There is a book called The Myth of Certainty that claims no one can be certain of God’s existence or attributes. The author claims that at best our search for God is like looking through a fog.

I know people who act as if they are certain. Their relationship with God is as if He is in the room with them. They just seem to have this natural ability to trust Him, they seem to get what exactly it means to ‘rest in Him.’

Sometimes I feel like I have some sort of defect that doesn’t allow me to unquestioningly trust in God’s promises. Yet the Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So what does that mean? What is the purpose of my lack of steadfastness? Or do I even trust enough to believe that I am wonderfully made?

Christian Grief

Today my pastor taught about grieving. It is a subject that is near to me. I lost some people close to me at a fairly early age. My losses came before I was a Christian so I don’t share the assurances that others might of a promise of heaven. I used to think grief was harder for me because I didn’t have that. Yet somehow I at least get permission to grieve in the Christian community. Others can be assaulted by well meaning comments. I could list some of them but when my pastor did it made me physically ill… You can insert your own comment.

So how is the response of a Christian different from that of a non-Christian? I think of it as the courage to grieve. When my mom passed away we did everything to avoid the pain. In a lot of ways we didn’t allow each other to express that pain. My sister-in-law put up a ‘no tears’ sign on her door. We didn’t have a funeral for my mom and that is probably the single greatest regret of my life.

Faith

I have been thinking a lot about faith lately. It feels like there is some magic formula God has not given me yet. I want to move forward. I want to be steadfast in my faith but somehow it seems to elude me over and over. I have this general sense of fear when I walk around. I don’t feel grounded at all right now.

This morning I received an email from a friend who I haven’t talked to in a while. She said that she had asked God for someone to pray for and she sensed God put me on her heart. She had a vision that was very powerful and meaningful for me. I believed her and I believed God can and did do that for me. He spoke to me in a powerful way – that is enough faith for today.

But God didn’t stop there. My friend Lisa did a blog post about my blog. She talked about the title. The title comes from the message version of Matthew 11:28 and I hung on to that when I went through a crisis of faith 5 years ago. I am not necessarily tired of religion but I am tired of myself. I am tired of trying and striving for things that are empty and have no meaning.

There’s no magic formula. Just the unforced rhythms of grace.

Charley's Web

I have been reading this book called Charley’s Web by Joy Fielding. I purchased it as a light summer read and I have found that I have loved it. The book is a thriller about a woman who is asked to write a book about a babysitter who is convicted of violently murdering three children. Charley is also receiving death threats to her and her children.

What I love about the book is that Charley, who previously had few connections, is forced to trust and reconnect with those around her. The relationships aren’t perfect and some of them are not easy but she has to learn to rely on them (don’t worry I haven’t given you any information that isn’t on the back of the book.)

I think the reason that I love the book so much is that I can identify with it. I have slowly let people into my life over the past several years but I still had a lot of trouble asking for help. Since I had my surgery last year I have grown closer to family members, especially my Dad. He helped me move and has been much more a part of my life since last year. I have been really blessed by that.

And as for asking for help, I am getting better at that too. Yesterday I was in terrible pain and I needed to go to the hospital. Rather than taking a cab I called until I found someone to take me. I’m okay now. Maybe God was just showing me something new about myself (and the pain medication was really helpful.)

Where to Start

Where to start… I really don’t know what to say in this post except that I know it is time to start blogging. I guess I need to start at the beginning. The beginning for me is why I haven’t been blogging.

My blog is mostly about spiritual things or my spiritual walk. To be honest for the past few months I haven’t had much of a spiritual walk. When people would ask me why I couldn’t really tell them for sure. I would site that I was angry. I was frustrated that life wasn’t working out the way I thought it should. Somehow that answer didn’t even satisfy me. The ironic thing is I needed to go back to church to figure it out.

I figured out that it has nothing to do with not believing in God. Although I was angry I knew I was past that a long time ago. The issue was that walking this walk began to seem somewhat pointless. It didn’t seem to make a difference in my life anymore. So many things were still crappy. I was tired and the extra effort of calling out to God just didn’t seem worth it. I knew God intervened in other people’s lives but I didn’t believe He would intervene in mine any longer.

I have started to realize that even though things aren’t working out for me so well, the alternative has been worse. Nothing terrible has happened. It is just that life has seemed lonely and empty without the journey. So I am slowly getting back on it.

Mother's Day 2009

I need to acknowledge my grief today but I am afraid to. For a few months I have been living in this fragile equilibrium. I am living on the surface – not wanting to go too deep. Now it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. Part of me just wants to let numbness set in. I could just go to sleep, forget about it for a while. But I know it would just come back in the morning.

I was thinking the other day about what I would buy my Mom this year if she were alive. It would be cool to spoil her on Sunday. She would chastise me for spending so much. We would pretend to argue. Secretly she would be thrilled and I would see her using whatever her gift was over and over. She would talk to her friends about what I gave her.

My Mom would be proud of me – I hope. I can’t say that she would agree with all of my choices. My Mom didn’t believe in God. She would tease me about being a Bible Thumper, going to hang out with the other Bible Thumpers. But I think she would see it made me happy. Maybe it would intrigue her enough to come with me. Who knows…

I do know she would be proud of me for graduating and having a good job. So much of that is because of her. Mom sacrificed so much for me. She supported me in a middle class neighborhood on a waitress’ salary and child support. I was an ungrateful teenager sometimes – thinking that moving to my dad’s would make life easier.

I can see so much of my Mom in me. People tell me I am courageous and resilient. My Mom taught me that. I have an ability to solve problems that comes naturally, my Mom taught me that. I try to be a quiet, gentle, but strong presence in people’s lives in times of trouble. My Mom taught me that.

Grace

Last week a friend of mine asked me if I believed that God wanted good things for me? The question was not an accusation or coming from some sort of prosperity gospel. The question stayed with me all day and into the evening. I had to respond, that if I were being honest, I would say no. I mean I could quote Scripture that says God does want good things for me. I have seen God do good things for me. Yet I could not be authentic in saying I believed God wanted to bless me given the way I had been acting and feeling. She went on to ask if I had been praying, well no if I don’t believe God wants good things for me praying doesn’t really make sense. She ended the conversation with the statement, ‘there doesn’t seem to be a lot of grace in your day.’

That evening I had the Ministry of Listening. I am part of a team now. So before the evening actually starts we listen to each other so we can sort of clear ourselves to be available and fully present. It was the first time I actually told anyone from beginning to end what I have been experiencing or how I feel. It has been difficult to talk about because there is no big crisis. I have just been disappointed by stepping out in faith and falling over and over.

That day was the beginning of something for me. I can’t say I am all of a sudden on fire for God. I haven’t had some huge insight that made the clouds clear. Yet somehow the power of speaking that experience out loud to a couple of people put it in context. I haven’t made any huge steps. However I am realizing that even though life is hard and I am disappointed, I need help to make it through it. I am pleased to report that this week there has been a little bit more grace in my day.

Bleh

I have started to write a blog post at least three times now. I have some ideas of what to say but when I start writing nothing that ends up on the page seems to come out coherently. I don’t know how to characterize how I feel, my spiritual life, my physical health, or even everything that is going on in my life other than say ‘bleh.’ There is no big crisis in my life. Yet everyday, normal life seems difficult. On some level I feel like I am just existing. I just get by day to day. Part of me wants to resign to just surviving, the other part of me is fighting that because going beyond just surviving is what I believe God created me for.

What Happens in Vegas

“But sir,” Gideon replied, “if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?” (Judges 6:13, NIV)

I read Judges 6 when I was in Las Vegas on vacation. My first thought about this was how much just about anyone could relate to the question. My second thought was my surroundings in Vegas. When you walk down the Vegas strip there are rows of people in t-shirts for 1-800-girl-4-u trying to get you to take their little pamphlets. People often go to Vegas to escape the rules. They overeat, carry open liquor legally. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right?

Then I thought about my own circumstances. I was with my family. I was grateful for that but also yearned for it to be less difficult, less complicated. My foot was acting up again which made things really hard. Anyone who has been to Vegas knows that there is a lot of walking involved. Once you are in a hotel, it is next to impossible to get back out until you have walked through the whole thing in the most indirect route possible.

I have been thinking about this passage of the Bible today and I have to admit my heart cries out with the question. I have no doubt that God exists or even that He intervenes in the life of others. But today, life is harder. And I get frustrated with myself that my faith is sometimes so wavering. But that is how I feel today. On the bright side, I know that I won’t feel that way everyday. And I know that Gideon felt that way too.