Enough of Too Much

This morning I woke up and decided I have had enough.  I am sick of feeling yucky all of the time.  I want to feel better and I know that in order to do that, I need to start making healthier food choices.  I knew this day would come.

A few weeks ago I started exercising.  This is generally a first step for me.  Now this morning I decided to face the scale.  I have gained weight -- a lot of weight.  So enough.  It is time to start making better choices and tracking my food again.  Today I started tracking again.  It feels good.

Interestingly, I also decided I was sick of getting so many emails from the various companies I have given my email address to for whatever reason.  I unsubscribed from at least ten lists.  Then I cleaned my apartment (okay that’s probably because I have people coming over tomorrow.)  I feel like I can breathe all of a sudden.  Like I have more space.  I used to get about 20 emails a day.  Today I got two and unsubscribed from their lists too.

Getting rid of clutter seems symbolic of what I am doing today.  I am not going to beat myself up.  That would just add to the clutter.  I am going to give myself room to focus on things that matter.

Some Stories Deserve A Pause

I am behind on my devotions this week.  I decided to catch up this morning.  I read Judges 19 and I had to stop.  What just happened?  I spent a few minutes looking for bible commentaries that would help me understand the passage better.  For several more minutes I have just been sitting here trying to absorb the story.

Here is my version:  man has a fight with his wife, she takes off for several months, man decides that he still loves her and goes after her, they decide to reconcile, hang out at the in-laws for a few days, they go off and get stuck in a bad city, stay at some guys house where they are threatened by some locals, man panics and throws his wife out to the locals, they rape her all night, she crawls back to the door where the man is staying, he opens the door and discovers she has died, he cuts her up into twelve pieces and sends her out to the tribes of Israel saying no worse crime has ever been committed.

What a sad and difficult story.  In my research I determined that some translations say that she cheated on him.  I agree with the commentaries that say it is unlikely given the culture.  He would have just had her stoned.  Yet I think that is part of what makes me sad.  Did that make it easier for the translators to accept that this man just threw her to the wolves?  Did calling her a concubine as opposed to a wife make it better? I imagine the agony of the woman and it fills me with grief.  At the same time I am angry with the husband.  What does the man have to complain about when he threw her out there?  And who cuts up their wife into 12 pieces?

The raw yucky-ness of this story makes me think of the cross.  For me, the fate of the concubine is on of the most horrible things I can think about.  Just like the cross.

The Process of Blogging

Last night I had the opportunity to meet with some people who blog, want to blog, read blogs, basically all about the art of blogging.  I lamented on how I didn’t have things that I could share publically.  Either they are not suitable for public viewing or I don’t have enough perspective to blog about them.  A good friend reminded me that there is always something I CAN share. 

I realized that in the past when I had an assignment or a deadline, I would notice things and I would write about them.  I miss that.  I miss noticing things.

I can’t commit to blogging every day.  I can commit to noticing.  So I am going to experiment with trying to notice something every day.  Who knows what I will come up with.

Trying New Things

The week I joined a yoga studio for a two week unlimited trial.  What attracted me to it was mainly TRX.  For those who are not familiar with TRX suspension training, it was developed for Navy Seals in the field.  Basically there are two bands that can be anchored to anything sturdy.  You use your own body weight while you hold onto the handles to do squats and lunges etc. 

I was really glad to have a friend along with me the first time I went.  It was a very challenging workout for me.  I spent most of the week feeling sore but I went a total of three times last week.  I also went to yoga twice.  The first one was called PhysioLogic Lower Back Pain.  It combines physiotherapy and yoga techniques to help address lower back issues.  I really enjoyed it.  The second was Introduction to Yoga on The Wall.  It was crazy.  You end up with a band around your hips, your feet on the wall suspended in the air.  That said, I think I might do it again.

Why am I trying new things?  For the past two months I have not been working out.  I have been working long hours and when I came home I was just too tired to work out.  I tried to get back to my original schedule where I would be home just after four and I could work out, eat, and have the evening to do what I wanted or needed to do.  I haven’t been able to make that work.

So I am adjusting.  I know that everyone gets excited when I run.  I get excited about running but it just isn’t working for me right now.  So I am trying new things.  I am shaking up my schedule because trying to get back to where I was isn’t working.  Now, I need to figure out how to make healthier choices with food again.  One step at a time.

When There is Nothing to Say

Late in the year I had resolved to post more often.  My last post was January 20th.  I didn't realize it had been so long.  There are times when I just don't have a coherent thought to post.  I need time to be able to look at my life in retrospect.  I am not there yet.  That said, I am re-engaging the exciting things that make life more interesting.  Tomorrow I start a two week trial at a yoga studio less than a block away from where I work.  I want to try yoga again but what really attracted me to the studio was that they have a TRX studio.  I am both excited and intimidated by the prospect.

Why You Shouldn’t Do Daily Devo’s

At the beginning of the year, I committed to doing the daily devotion guide that was handed out at our church around Christmas time.  There is a significant amount of reading each morning.  I found it tough to get up early and do it.  Yet as time has gone on I have found that I have settled into a rhythm.  It actually feels like the normal thing to do.

I am not a very patient person.  I wanted to feel like I was getting a message from God every morning.  I wanted to understand something new and be able to quote something I learned on my blog.  I wanted to ponder God’s word and feel wiser.  That hasn’t happened.

Here is what I have noticed.  I have this increasing awareness of my flaws and my broken state.  I can’t link this to a specific scripture I have read.  I just know that I am hyper-aware of all of the sin, failings, and empty places.  I am aware of the dreams I had and have somehow abandoned.  I am aware of the woman I said I wanted to be but I am not.  It really sucks.

I am kidding (sort of) when I say you shouldn’t do daily devo’s.  I know that this is a time of growth for me.  I am not completely miserable.  I don’t hate myself.  I am just aware.  I know that this awareness will turn into fruit eventually. 

If God Were Walking Beside Me

This week has been really hard.  Getting up early every morning to do devotions is not easy.  Add to that, I joined a challenge to work out 2012 minutes this month which is just over an hour a day.  So getting up early and working out more has made me very tired.  The devotions haven’t been immediately fulfilling.  I thought I would have a take away every day or at least most days.  That hasn’t happened for me.

I am hoping that the devotional discipline will be like working out.  When I first started working out it was awkward and unnatural.  I kept on because I had been given a program to follow. Eventually working out became more natural and I feel like something is missing when I don’t do it. I don’t always enjoy exercise, but I know it is something I need to do. In this case I am also following a reading plan.  I am pondering the devotional thought each day along with many others from my church community.  My hope is that it will become as engrained in me as exercise has.

One day the devotional thought was ‘what would you do if you God were walking beside you?’  Yes I know ‘God is with me’ but actually physically there?  I don’t know.  The question is overwhelming.  That said it is a question I want to ponder and live by.  Seems almost better than the good old ‘What would Jesus do?’

The Story of 2012

In June I attended a two day conference called The Storyline Conference in Portland.  Basically the idea is to think of your life as a story and if it were a story, what would you want that story to be?

When I wrote the recap of 2011, I found myself thinking of the story.  There were ups and downs but overall, I made progress.  So I want to tell the story of 2012.  I know that the reality will end up being different but that’s okay. 

Starting on New Year’s Day I will begin the practice of daily devotion by using the devotional we got at church.  This will center my day and give the first part of it to God.  I will make coffee and breakfast at home and do my devotion before I leave in the morning.  I will also use this as the inspiration for weekly blog posts during the year.

Each day I will also track my food and I will exercise 4-5 times per week.  As I get stronger with my running and working out I will take on new challenges.  One of the challenges will be a 10k run.  At some point in the year I will not only be able to show my progress through a fitness goal, but I will make it into onederland.  At that point I will need to update my wardrobe so I will celebrate with a trip to the United States to shop.

Throughout the year I will actively work to be an encouragement to others.  I will do this both in the areas of fitness and faith.  I will reach out through Facebook, this blog, and in person.  I will be honest about my struggles in an effort to allow others to be honest.  I will listen for God’s leading to where He wants me to help others.

2011–The Year in Review

It doesn’t seem like that long since I posted my goals for 2011.  I decided to choose 11 goals that would propel me forward.  They gave me direction.  Although I have to say that most of them evolved, I am further along then I was last year.  I will make some new goals for this year.  They are already brewing in my mind.  If I review this year’s goals, I think it will help me make even better goals for this year.

1.  Run a 5K in under 40 minutes – I have continued to work on running.  I will not have run a 5K in 40 minutes.  What has happened for me this year is that I have done distances a bit further than 5K (three miles.)  My longest distance so far is about 4.5 miles.  I have found that if I try to push too hard, I end up injuring myself.

2.  Spend one afternoon (or evening) per month taking pictures – I think I spent about four afternoons taking pictures.  I loved doing it.  I find it relaxing.  I would like to get this back into my life somehow.  I am not sure how to make it work.

3.  Reduce my debt load by $8000 – a few trips this year made it difficult but I still reduced my debt load by $3800.  I’ll get there.

4.  Spend 5 minutes per day in prayer/meditation – this is an area where I can say I honestly fell down.  I have a new plan for this year.

5.  Have 6 outings per month with friends – I didn’t track this but I feel good about the amount of social activity in my life.  To a great extent this year, being able to hang out with friends has sustained me

6.  Make my front storage room into a more functional space – I actually did this!  It is amazing to be able to walk in and out of there.  I still have some work to do but it is much better

7.  Spend one hour per week studying scripture – see #4

8.  Attend Donald Miller’s  Storyline Conference in June – I did this and it still is shaping the way I think.  It will also shape my resolutions for this year

9.  Eat healthy meals 80% of the time – I tracked until March and I was doing okay.  Then things fell down.  I had some health challenges that forced me to stop working out and then I gave into some bad eating habits.  I started being more active in June again and then I joined Weight Watchers.  So if you assume that would cause me to eat 80% healthy, I was on track for about 8 months of the year.

10.  Work out 4 times per week 75% of weeks – I think I was about at 65%

11.  Post to my blog more often – technically I did post more but not as much as I had intended.  I wanted to post an average of once per week.  This post will be #17 for the year so I not as much as I wanted

There are many awesome things that happened which I hadn’t planned for.  Here are a few that come to mind:

-  I participated in the Ironman In a Month Challenge and completed it.  Thinking about it still makes me grin.
-  I travelled to Minneapolis to the Women of Faith Conference.  It was an amazing event which is still inspiring me
- I became a leader of a church small group
- I took the huge step of joining Weight Watchers online.  I didn’t think I would follow a eating plan ever again.  This plan makes sense and is something I have been able to keep up
- I made some connections with some amazing people on Facebook who have become friends to me and are a source of support and inspiration.

During the past month I have been going through a personal crisis.  What I have noticed is that, although it is hard, I am walking through it in a much healthier way than I would have before.  I asked for and received support from many of my friends.  Although I have not been very consistent through the month of December on my fitness goals, I am working to get back on track.  I am trying not to be too hard on myself.  I am NOT starting over.  A month of trial can not undo all of the above.

The 'before' picture was taken in 2009 but I am pretty sure I looked pretty much the same in December 2010.

Light in the Darkness

I was sitting on the bus doing my bible reading plan.  The passage I read was this:
¹ In the beginning the Word already existed.
      The Word was with God,
      and the Word was God.
² He existed in the beginning with God.
³ God created everything through him,
      and nothing was created except through him.
⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,
      and his life brought light to everyone.
⁵ The light shines in the darkness,
      and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1: 1-5, NLT)
I have read this dozens of times, like everyone else.  I have tried to understand the part about ‘the Word’, the Word being Jesus and how that actually works.  The thing is that I got stuck on that and didn’t read the part about how the light shines into the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.
I was awestruck.  The darkness can’t extinguish the light.  It is a truth that resonates with me.  No matter how dark I think things are, God still shines through.  There is nothing or no one that can stop that.
Then I continued reading:
⁶ God sent a man, John the Baptist, ⁷ to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. ⁸ John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. ⁹ The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.
¹⁴ So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.  And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.
¹⁵ John testified about him when he shouted to the crowds, “This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’”
¹⁶ From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.  ¹⁷ For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. ¹⁸ No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God,^] is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us. (John 1: 6-16, NLT)
I was awestruck by a God who would come down to earth to be light in my darkness.  It was a great moment of communion with God…  on a Winnipeg Transit bus before 7am.