Why You Shouldn’t Do Daily Devo’s

At the beginning of the year, I committed to doing the daily devotion guide that was handed out at our church around Christmas time.  There is a significant amount of reading each morning.  I found it tough to get up early and do it.  Yet as time has gone on I have found that I have settled into a rhythm.  It actually feels like the normal thing to do.

I am not a very patient person.  I wanted to feel like I was getting a message from God every morning.  I wanted to understand something new and be able to quote something I learned on my blog.  I wanted to ponder God’s word and feel wiser.  That hasn’t happened.

Here is what I have noticed.  I have this increasing awareness of my flaws and my broken state.  I can’t link this to a specific scripture I have read.  I just know that I am hyper-aware of all of the sin, failings, and empty places.  I am aware of the dreams I had and have somehow abandoned.  I am aware of the woman I said I wanted to be but I am not.  It really sucks.

I am kidding (sort of) when I say you shouldn’t do daily devo’s.  I know that this is a time of growth for me.  I am not completely miserable.  I don’t hate myself.  I am just aware.  I know that this awareness will turn into fruit eventually. 

If God Were Walking Beside Me

This week has been really hard.  Getting up early every morning to do devotions is not easy.  Add to that, I joined a challenge to work out 2012 minutes this month which is just over an hour a day.  So getting up early and working out more has made me very tired.  The devotions haven’t been immediately fulfilling.  I thought I would have a take away every day or at least most days.  That hasn’t happened for me.

I am hoping that the devotional discipline will be like working out.  When I first started working out it was awkward and unnatural.  I kept on because I had been given a program to follow. Eventually working out became more natural and I feel like something is missing when I don’t do it. I don’t always enjoy exercise, but I know it is something I need to do. In this case I am also following a reading plan.  I am pondering the devotional thought each day along with many others from my church community.  My hope is that it will become as engrained in me as exercise has.

One day the devotional thought was ‘what would you do if you God were walking beside you?’  Yes I know ‘God is with me’ but actually physically there?  I don’t know.  The question is overwhelming.  That said it is a question I want to ponder and live by.  Seems almost better than the good old ‘What would Jesus do?’

The Story of 2012

In June I attended a two day conference called The Storyline Conference in Portland.  Basically the idea is to think of your life as a story and if it were a story, what would you want that story to be?

When I wrote the recap of 2011, I found myself thinking of the story.  There were ups and downs but overall, I made progress.  So I want to tell the story of 2012.  I know that the reality will end up being different but that’s okay. 

Starting on New Year’s Day I will begin the practice of daily devotion by using the devotional we got at church.  This will center my day and give the first part of it to God.  I will make coffee and breakfast at home and do my devotion before I leave in the morning.  I will also use this as the inspiration for weekly blog posts during the year.

Each day I will also track my food and I will exercise 4-5 times per week.  As I get stronger with my running and working out I will take on new challenges.  One of the challenges will be a 10k run.  At some point in the year I will not only be able to show my progress through a fitness goal, but I will make it into onederland.  At that point I will need to update my wardrobe so I will celebrate with a trip to the United States to shop.

Throughout the year I will actively work to be an encouragement to others.  I will do this both in the areas of fitness and faith.  I will reach out through Facebook, this blog, and in person.  I will be honest about my struggles in an effort to allow others to be honest.  I will listen for God’s leading to where He wants me to help others.

2011–The Year in Review

It doesn’t seem like that long since I posted my goals for 2011.  I decided to choose 11 goals that would propel me forward.  They gave me direction.  Although I have to say that most of them evolved, I am further along then I was last year.  I will make some new goals for this year.  They are already brewing in my mind.  If I review this year’s goals, I think it will help me make even better goals for this year.

1.  Run a 5K in under 40 minutes – I have continued to work on running.  I will not have run a 5K in 40 minutes.  What has happened for me this year is that I have done distances a bit further than 5K (three miles.)  My longest distance so far is about 4.5 miles.  I have found that if I try to push too hard, I end up injuring myself.

2.  Spend one afternoon (or evening) per month taking pictures – I think I spent about four afternoons taking pictures.  I loved doing it.  I find it relaxing.  I would like to get this back into my life somehow.  I am not sure how to make it work.

3.  Reduce my debt load by $8000 – a few trips this year made it difficult but I still reduced my debt load by $3800.  I’ll get there.

4.  Spend 5 minutes per day in prayer/meditation – this is an area where I can say I honestly fell down.  I have a new plan for this year.

5.  Have 6 outings per month with friends – I didn’t track this but I feel good about the amount of social activity in my life.  To a great extent this year, being able to hang out with friends has sustained me

6.  Make my front storage room into a more functional space – I actually did this!  It is amazing to be able to walk in and out of there.  I still have some work to do but it is much better

7.  Spend one hour per week studying scripture – see #4

8.  Attend Donald Miller’s  Storyline Conference in June – I did this and it still is shaping the way I think.  It will also shape my resolutions for this year

9.  Eat healthy meals 80% of the time – I tracked until March and I was doing okay.  Then things fell down.  I had some health challenges that forced me to stop working out and then I gave into some bad eating habits.  I started being more active in June again and then I joined Weight Watchers.  So if you assume that would cause me to eat 80% healthy, I was on track for about 8 months of the year.

10.  Work out 4 times per week 75% of weeks – I think I was about at 65%

11.  Post to my blog more often – technically I did post more but not as much as I had intended.  I wanted to post an average of once per week.  This post will be #17 for the year so I not as much as I wanted

There are many awesome things that happened which I hadn’t planned for.  Here are a few that come to mind:

-  I participated in the Ironman In a Month Challenge and completed it.  Thinking about it still makes me grin.
-  I travelled to Minneapolis to the Women of Faith Conference.  It was an amazing event which is still inspiring me
- I became a leader of a church small group
- I took the huge step of joining Weight Watchers online.  I didn’t think I would follow a eating plan ever again.  This plan makes sense and is something I have been able to keep up
- I made some connections with some amazing people on Facebook who have become friends to me and are a source of support and inspiration.

During the past month I have been going through a personal crisis.  What I have noticed is that, although it is hard, I am walking through it in a much healthier way than I would have before.  I asked for and received support from many of my friends.  Although I have not been very consistent through the month of December on my fitness goals, I am working to get back on track.  I am trying not to be too hard on myself.  I am NOT starting over.  A month of trial can not undo all of the above.

The 'before' picture was taken in 2009 but I am pretty sure I looked pretty much the same in December 2010.

Light in the Darkness

I was sitting on the bus doing my bible reading plan.  The passage I read was this:
¹ In the beginning the Word already existed.
      The Word was with God,
      and the Word was God.
² He existed in the beginning with God.
³ God created everything through him,
      and nothing was created except through him.
⁴ The Word gave life to everything that was created,
      and his life brought light to everyone.
⁵ The light shines in the darkness,
      and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1: 1-5, NLT)
I have read this dozens of times, like everyone else.  I have tried to understand the part about ‘the Word’, the Word being Jesus and how that actually works.  The thing is that I got stuck on that and didn’t read the part about how the light shines into the darkness and the darkness can never extinguish it.
I was awestruck.  The darkness can’t extinguish the light.  It is a truth that resonates with me.  No matter how dark I think things are, God still shines through.  There is nothing or no one that can stop that.
Then I continued reading:
⁶ God sent a man, John the Baptist, ⁷ to tell about the light so that everyone might believe because of his testimony. ⁸ John himself was not the light; he was simply a witness to tell about the light. ⁹ The one who is the true light, who gives light to everyone, was coming into the world.
¹⁰ He came into the very world he created, but the world didn’t recognize him. ¹¹ He came to his own people, and even they rejected him. ¹² But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. ¹³ They are reborn—not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God.
¹⁴ So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness.  And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.
¹⁵ John testified about him when he shouted to the crowds, “This is the one I was talking about when I said, ‘Someone is coming after me who is far greater than I am, for he existed long before me.’”
¹⁶ From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.  ¹⁷ For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ. ¹⁸ No one has ever seen God. But the unique One, who is himself God,^] is near to the Father’s heart. He has revealed God to us. (John 1: 6-16, NLT)
I was awestruck by a God who would come down to earth to be light in my darkness.  It was a great moment of communion with God…  on a Winnipeg Transit bus before 7am.

Thinking About Mom

Today is the anniversary of the day my Mom passed away.  It is sunny outside today but the ground is covered in a blanket of fresh snow – the first major snowfall of the year.  I went out for a short run this morning and now I am sitting in Starbucks with a Venti Skinny Peppermint Mocha.  I have to admit that I don’t know how to feel about the day.

Generally I spend a lot of time dreading the date.  I have been down lately and I have attributed it to what my friend refers to as body memories.  Even if I am not thinking about it, my body knows it is coming.  That said, I haven’t been dreading today.  It wasn’t the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

I do have a sense of sadness.  I am wondering what my Mom would think about me right now.  I have been making so many positive changes in my life for my health.  Those things were important to my Mom.  Would she be proud of me for being committed enough to run outside in the snow and cold weather? 

I remember the day that she passed away.  I remember my sister in law coming to my door and giving me the news.  It wasn’t sunny that day.  At least that’s how I remember it.  All I said was, “I’ll get my purse.”  It was a strange numb response that came out of a broken place.

So many things have changed for me in the sixteen years since my Mom passed away.  I have graduated from university.  I have a career, a great condo, a nice car, lots of fantastic friends, and most importantly I asked Jesus to come into my life over 11 years ago.  Besides the more recent health changes, I am no longer that young woman who lives in a numb fog.  My life is abundant.  Sometimes that abundance means that I am both sad about losing my Mom and happy about a beautiful winter day with a nice run and a trip to Starbucks for a holiday drink.

Resolutions

The beginning of the November makes me feel like the year is drawing to a close.  There is lots of time left but it ends up getting taken up by Christmas parties, gatherings, and shopping.  It feels like the time to achieve my goals has already passed.  Or has it?

I hesitate to post about my resolutions.  Every one was so supportive and even inspired.  So to look at my resolutions today feels like a bit of a disappointment.  I am afraid to let people down.  I feel like I have failed.

When I read my resolutions I know I have achieved a couple of them.  I have also changed my approach on many of them.  I still have some time to work on others.

In March I started struggling with some health issues that prevented me from working out.  My food intake was nowhere near 80% healthy.  I really struggled.  By the time the summer came, I was quite weak and had gained a lot of weight.  I decided it was time to commit to a weight loss program so I joined Weight Watchers at the beginning of July.  I have also become more active, last month I completed an Ironman in a month challenge – I swam 2.4 miles, bicycled 112 miles, and ran 26.2 over the 31 days of October.

I attended the Storyline Conference in June and I can say it has propelled me to live a better story.  I also managed to clean out my storage room and I can now walk into it without stepping on anything.  My bike goes in and out easily.

Technically I have already posted more this year than I did last year.  That said, my intent was to post weekly and I haven’t been doing that.  There is still time to get back onto it.  So here I am.

Resolutions are about an intent to be better.  I can say that I am better than I was this time last year.  I have less debt, I have lost weight, I have gained energy and a lot of wisdom.  I won’t run a 5k in under 40 minutes this year but I have increased my distance and speed by quite a bit.

Legacy

There is a song by Nicole Nordeman that I have loved for years.  I have been thinking about it today:

I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love?
Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace
Who blessed Your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy

I went to a funeral for a man who was born nine months after me.  He was a co-worker  who I had the privilege of working with this year before he went on leave.  I had known of him but never worked with him directly.  He talked about his illness openly and his courage left so much of a mark on me that, even though I had only worked with him very briefly, I felt compelled to attend his funeral.  When I looked around at the attendees, it was clear that many of my co-workers felt the same way.

This man had a daughter who has special needs.  He also has a young son.  His battle with cancer has been several years long.  During his struggle with cancer he returned to work several times where he made a number of important contributions.  He also achieved his masters.  When his wife spoke of him at the funeral yesterday, she said she married him because she knew he would ‘make her brave.’ 

He has made me think of my own life.  What is my contribution?  What will people say about me at my funeral?  My mark is to be different for sure.  Even acknowledging that, his life makes me want to do more with my life.  I hope that’s a tribute to him.

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The Narrow Door

Then Jesus went through the towns and villages, teaching as he made his way to Jerusalem. Someone asked him, “Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?”

He said to them, “Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you, will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, ‘Sir, open the door for us.’
“But he will answer, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from.’
“Then you will say, ‘We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.’
“But he will reply, ‘I don’t know you or where you come from. Away from me, all you evildoers!’
“There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. People will come from east and west and north and south, and will take their places at the feast in the kingdom of God. Indeed there are those who are last who will be first, and first who will be last.”  Luke 13:22-30

A few weeks ago Soul Pastor posted this scripture to his blog and asked us to comment on it.  Actually his words were ‘Thoughts?’  In the gathering that week he challenged everyone there to post a comment as homework.  My thought was: I don’t want to think about it.

That said, for the past two weeks, I have been thinking about it a lot.  I am not thinking about me.  I am thinking about my Mom.  I case you don’t know the story, I will give you the abridged version.  My Mom passed away from breast cancer when I was twenty two years old.  I was barely an adult.  That event has shaped my life in a lot of ways.  My Mom wasn’t a Christian.  In fact my Mom explicitly stated that she couldn’t believe in a God who allowed all the bad stuff she saw to happen.

I can’t really blame her.  My Mom’s life was rough.  Some of those details only came out after she passed away.  I never had the opportunity to show my Mom that Jesus really did care about the details of her life.  I know He did.  Yet my Mom died without knowing Him. 

I often wonder if I would have become a Christian if my Mom hadn’t passed away.  We were very close and very tied together emotionally.  I feel a type of survivor’s guilt.  I found everlasting life and in some ways her leaving this world enabled that for me.  Everything in me wants to reject the theology that says there is one way to heaven because it means that she won’t be there.

Here’s the problem:  I have to think about the Scripture.

When I dig into the background of the passage I realize that Jesus is speaking to believers or those that had the opportunity to go through the narrow door and didn’t.  You could say that most, at least in Western cultures, have had that opportunity.  So what is Jesus saying?  Is He saying it that the only way to get through the door is through Him?  Is it a warning for those who say a prayer and think that guarantees salvation?  I don’t know.  And maybe God is protecting me by not allowing me to have certainty.

One thing I do know from this passage is that it is a warning.  Regardless of what happened with my Mom I need to think about what it means for me to enter.  I do know that as Soul Pastor said, it is one person at a time.  So I need to focus on my relationship with Him.