Sunday, November 21, 2010

Winter Moon

winter moon2I was driving to a friend’s house today and I noticed a full moon lighting the sky.  A recent series of snowfalls has blanketed the ground with white.  There is beauty in this season.  The bare trees now take on a new dimension with the snow sticking to the trunks and perching on branches.  It is not summer for certain.  But somehow this newness of fresh white snow covering the earth seems to bring hope.  The moon lighting the sky on top of a white horizon is a majestic sight.

I think I am feeling better.  I have a plan to get back on track.  Tomorrow I start working out again.  My fridge is stocked with healthy food and a meal plan has been prepared.  And this period of darkness has been different.  I have found myself reaching out sooner and hiding less.  I have felt held by my community.  I am grateful for that.

I can’t say that I am feeling on top of the world.  I guess the best way to describe it is to liken it to the new presence of winter.  There is beauty surrounding me.  There is a newness and a freshness that is different from spring but is just as necessary.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

November

bleak midwinterI wouldn’t be surprised if I have written a blog post titled November before.  When I was a kid, November was a month that was full of promise.  Now that has somehow been taken from me.  November reminds me of all I have lost.  The beginning of November has brought fear for me.  I am afraid of November.  I am afraid that by the end of November I will have nothing left for December.

At the beginning of this year I had a sense that this was ‘my’ year.  I even had other people tell me that.  Now I feel like the year is over in some ways.  It is just time to survive.  I am angry.  Somehow in my heart I think I believed that if this was my year that this wouldn’t happen again.

Everything is harder right now.  I know I promised to pick myself up but the reality is that I just don’t feel like it.  Connection seems harder to come by lately.  Mostly it is because the words just won’t come.  When people ask me what is wrong I just can’t explain it.  I feel like crap because I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I find myself struggling with temptation on an almost daily basis.  I am tired.  I am falling apart.

So there it is.  The truth is that in many ways I have allowed myself to get to this place.  But here I am.  I don’t know how to get out of it.  I can’t be honest with people because the words won’t come.  The only thing I can say is, “It’s November.”