Saturday, April 04, 2009


Last week a friend of mine asked me if I believed that God wanted good things for me? The question was not an accusation or coming from some sort of prosperity gospel. The question stayed with me all day and into the evening. I had to respond, that if I were being honest, I would say no. I mean I could quote Scripture that says God does want good things for me. I have seen God do good things for me. Yet I could not be authentic in saying I believed God wanted to bless me given the way I had been acting and feeling. She went on to ask if I had been praying, well no if I don’t believe God wants good things for me praying doesn’t really make sense. She ended the conversation with the statement, ‘there doesn’t seem to be a lot of grace in your day.’

That evening I had the Ministry of Listening. I am part of a team now. So before the evening actually starts we listen to each other so we can sort of clear ourselves to be available and fully present. It was the first time I actually told anyone from beginning to end what I have been experiencing or how I feel. It has been difficult to talk about because there is no big crisis. I have just been disappointed by stepping out in faith and falling over and over.

That day was the beginning of something for me. I can’t say I am all of a sudden on fire for God. I haven’t had some huge insight that made the clouds clear. Yet somehow the power of speaking that experience out loud to a couple of people put it in context. I haven’t made any huge steps. However I am realizing that even though life is hard and I am disappointed, I need help to make it through it. I am pleased to report that this week there has been a little bit more grace in my day.