Thursday, August 04, 2016

I Was Never Broken

For a long time I have referred to some of the struggles in my life as ‘brokenness’.  I don’t say this anymore.  I am not broken.  The bible says we are ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ (Psalm 139:14).   Do this mean we won’t struggle?  No.  We will struggle.  What we do to cope with this struggle can be labeled as brokenness.

So I have been learning to reframe brokenness as ways of getting along that I perhaps no longer need.  Either I have new tools, or the assumptions about what I need are no longer valid.  My so-called brokenness is not brokenness at all.  It is strength.  It got me through a difficult time when I had no other tools available to me.  My previous self wasn’t broken.  She was courageous and strong.

If you stop looking at yourself from a framework of brokenness, it gives you power.  You suddenly realize that, with God beside you, you can handle way more than you think.  By not starting from a place of deficiency, you fight for yourself and what you know will work for you.

So I invite you to retell your narrative with me.  You are strong.  God loves you and has always believed in you.  I believe in you too.

Sunday, January 03, 2016


I have given up on keeping a gratitude journal about 10 times.  I would try.  Stick with coming up with 3 things I was grateful for every day for a month.  Then I would stop.  It never really made me feel better.  The only thing it accomplished was to check off another ‘should’ from my list.

Honestly keeping a gratitude journal just gave me a reason to feel bad about myself.  I would think:

“Why is it so hard to come up with my three things?’
“How long before I actually feel grateful for this stuff?’
“Why am I so ungrateful for the gifts that God has given me?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
“I am a bad person.”

Okay that is a bit dramatic but I do know that actually trying to keep a gratitude journal and having it fail did make me feel bad.  So I stopped trying years ago.  The issue was that people I respect would say that gratitude is a requirement for living a fulfilled life.  I believed them.  It makes a lot of sense.  It just didn’t work for me.

Fast forward to this fall.  I started trying to pay more intention to my feelings.  Namely, I was trying to figure out exactly what was causing ‘negative’ feelings.  In noticing my feelings, I was surprised to notice that there were a number of things that made me feel good.  At the end of the day, I started writing out some of the most memorable moments of the day.  A number of them were heartwarming.

When I started writing out my good and bad moments, I started feeling better.  I realized that by honoring the small good things, I was practicing gratitude.  The key for me in a practice of gratitude is that it is really a practice of living thoughtfully.  I don’t have to ignore the yucky parts of my day in order to notice the good ones.  In fact creating space to acknowledge the less awesome things in the day gave me freedom to appreciate the good even more.

This is a practice of gratitude that works for me.