Friday, May 08, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

I need to acknowledge my grief today but I am afraid to. For a few months I have been living in this fragile equilibrium. I am living on the surface – not wanting to go too deep. Now it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. Part of me just wants to let numbness set in. I could just go to sleep, forget about it for a while. But I know it would just come back in the morning.

I was thinking the other day about what I would buy my Mom this year if she were alive. It would be cool to spoil her on Sunday. She would chastise me for spending so much. We would pretend to argue. Secretly she would be thrilled and I would see her using whatever her gift was over and over. She would talk to her friends about what I gave her.

My Mom would be proud of me – I hope. I can’t say that she would agree with all of my choices. My Mom didn’t believe in God. She would tease me about being a Bible Thumper, going to hang out with the other Bible Thumpers. But I think she would see it made me happy. Maybe it would intrigue her enough to come with me. Who knows…

I do know she would be proud of me for graduating and having a good job. So much of that is because of her. Mom sacrificed so much for me. She supported me in a middle class neighborhood on a waitress’ salary and child support. I was an ungrateful teenager sometimes – thinking that moving to my dad’s would make life easier.

I can see so much of my Mom in me. People tell me I am courageous and resilient. My Mom taught me that. I have an ability to solve problems that comes naturally, my Mom taught me that. I try to be a quiet, gentle, but strong presence in people’s lives in times of trouble. My Mom taught me that.

4 comments:

RosalieG said...

Misty, that is beautiful.

Yes, it is important to let yourself 'feel' and remember your mom honour the connection you two had for your sake too.

mom_of_3 said...

The really cool thing about being a daughter is that your mother lives on through you - you know the saying "I'm becoming like my mother!"

Your mom will continue to be remembered by you just being you :o) Have a blessed Mother's Day, my friend. You have honored your mother well.

nicole said...

Your blog really touched me. It reminds me how important it is not to take my own mother for granted. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

mom_of_3 said...

I just wanted to come back to this post today and thank you again for your honesty. It has helped me greatly to know that the grief doesn't go away entirely - that there are sacred places in a grieving person's heart that are visited and honored no matter how much time has passed. Love, Lisa