In hindsight I have noticed a change in the way I handle things. I noticed that I tend to be less likely to carry shame (or at least more likely to notice that it is getting in my way and push through it.) I used to think that if something went wrong I was somehow responsible. If I was responsible I thought that I should try to handle things myself. Somehow without my knowing that is changing.
I have also noticed that I tend to go to God with my emotions more quickly. Although I can’t claim that I leave all my troubles at the cross I can say that I find myself at the cross often. I used to not even understand what that meant. In some ways the language Christians use make things more difficult. When I say I find myself at the cross I mean I find myself bringing my circumstance, emotions, pain to Jesus no matter how yucky they seem.
I even seem to be walking in a confidence I can’t explain. Yes there are ups and downs and I don’t always have all the answers. Yet I seem to know that my circumstances are temporary. I also know that I only need to ask God for the answers.
The other night I found myself very happy. I had no idea why. I was seriously giddy and happy. I am experiencing that more and more often.
I asked for prayer the other night. I am seeing changes in my life but I have seen changes before. Although happiness (or giddiness anyway) is temporary and I can live with that I don’t want the other parts to ever go away. I was afraid it was all fleeting.
Today I realized that when I only notice a change in hindsight it must already have some permanence. And if changes happen without me understanding how that must be God working in my life. God is the unchanging and the ultimate picture of permanence. Somehow I feel like I am less on shaky ground than I thought.