Sunday, December 07, 2008

Trying

Lately things have been rough. I don’t know how to explain how I got here. I know moving took a lot out of me even though it was a great thing to do. Work has been going well but has been very busy. I left a lot of space in my life to give me time to move and haven’t really filled that with anything else yet. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t much meaning to life. I spent some time remembering my Mom and missing her. None of these things should bring me down on their own but perhaps the combination of them… I can’t really explain.

I made some bad choices to deal with the pain. Somehow I decided that if I made that choice I was making the choice to turn away from church and God. I had used up my chances. I knew that wasn’t biblical. I knew I was wrong but somehow I was unable to get past that.

On Friday there was a bit of a storm during the day and the drive home took a lot longer than normal. I was on the bus so I had a lot of extra time to think. I had realized that I didn’t feel like I could go back to God, but I needed God, but I didn’t feel like I could go back to God… It went back and forth like that all the way home. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I lived as if I didn’t know God. I had lived that way before I knew God. Could I just go back? What would happen to all the friends I had made? And why would I go back? Because I thought I had to.

If I can’t do this ‘being a Christian’ thing right after all of the support then perhaps there is just some deficiency in me. Maybe if I lose faith in the face of adversity, not even real adversity, then I can’t have faith. But I what I kept coming back to was. I need God. I need Jesus.

Yesterday I went to see the movie Australia. I had never heard about it before but Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman I figured it couldn’t be too bad. I thought it was an amazing movie. God really spoke to me through it. I don’t want to give away the plot but there is a point where I was thinking, ‘just give up.’ Not long after that the heroine of the movie says, ‘we have to try.’

Before the movie even got much further I realized that was my answer. I don’t know how to make this all better. I don’t know how to turn back to God and accept his forgiveness. All I know is that I have to try. And that’s what I am doing. I’m trying.

Today I went to church for the first time in a while. I took communion. I’m trying.

1 comment:

mom_of_3 said...

The hardest thing that I've been trying to learn is the whole "God's strength is made perfect in my weakness" thing. That He already knows when and how I'm going to screw up and loves me anyway. That He knows all the bad choices we are going to make before we make them and has made plans for my redemption if I cry out right where I am in my mess. Your post honors us with its honesty and bravery. My prayers are with you, my friend.

I discovered Psalm 107 a while ago and have been meditating on it from my own 'mess':
"Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to God. He got you out in the nick of time; He put your feet on a wonderful road that took you straight to a good place to live."