Trying

-
Lately things have been rough. I don’t know how to explain how I got here. I know moving took a lot out of me even though it was a great thing to do. Work has been going well but has been very busy. I left a lot of space in my life to give me time to move and haven’t really filled that with anything else yet. Sometimes it feels like there isn’t much meaning to life. I spent some time remembering my Mom and missing her. None of these things should bring me down on their own but perhaps the combination of them… I can’t really explain.

I made some bad choices to deal with the pain. Somehow I decided that if I made that choice I was making the choice to turn away from church and God. I had used up my chances. I knew that wasn’t biblical. I knew I was wrong but somehow I was unable to get past that.

On Friday there was a bit of a storm during the day and the drive home took a lot longer than normal. I was on the bus so I had a lot of extra time to think. I had realized that I didn’t feel like I could go back to God, but I needed God, but I didn’t feel like I could go back to God… It went back and forth like that all the way home. I tried to imagine what my life would be like if I lived as if I didn’t know God. I had lived that way before I knew God. Could I just go back? What would happen to all the friends I had made? And why would I go back? Because I thought I had to.

If I can’t do this ‘being a Christian’ thing right after all of the support then perhaps there is just some deficiency in me. Maybe if I lose faith in the face of adversity, not even real adversity, then I can’t have faith. But I what I kept coming back to was. I need God. I need Jesus.

Yesterday I went to see the movie Australia. I had never heard about it before but Hugh Jackman, Nicole Kidman I figured it couldn’t be too bad. I thought it was an amazing movie. God really spoke to me through it. I don’t want to give away the plot but there is a point where I was thinking, ‘just give up.’ Not long after that the heroine of the movie says, ‘we have to try.’

Before the movie even got much further I realized that was my answer. I don’t know how to make this all better. I don’t know how to turn back to God and accept his forgiveness. All I know is that I have to try. And that’s what I am doing. I’m trying.

Today I went to church for the first time in a while. I took communion. I’m trying.

Comments

mom_of_4 said…
The hardest thing that I've been trying to learn is the whole "God's strength is made perfect in my weakness" thing. That He already knows when and how I'm going to screw up and loves me anyway. That He knows all the bad choices we are going to make before we make them and has made plans for my redemption if I cry out right where I am in my mess. Your post honors us with its honesty and bravery. My prayers are with you, my friend.

I discovered Psalm 107 a while ago and have been meditating on it from my own 'mess':
"Then, in your desperate condition, you called out to God. He got you out in the nick of time; He put your feet on a wonderful road that took you straight to a good place to live."
10:25 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jillian Michaels - Maximize Your Life

-
I was really excited when I heard Jillian Michaels was coming to Winnipeg.  If you don't know who Jillian Michaels she is the trainer that is known for being on the Biggest Loser.  Jillian's contestants are often the winners of the Biggest Loser (as was the case this year with a contestant who had everything against her in the beginning.)  The reason I like Jillian is not because of her training skills.  It is because she has an ability to get to the heart of a contestant and figure out what it is that is getting in the way of their goals. When she came on stage see was instantly endearing.  She swapped her high heels for flip flops saying that she felt like she had done her duty by coming out in them.  She broke down what she was going to talk about - nutrition, working out, mind.  She was real about the fact that many of the people who came to see her, wanted to know how to lose weight so she spent the first hour talking about it.  The second hour was all about how to meet
Read more

Enough of Too Much

-
Image
This morning I woke up and decided I have had enough.  I am sick of feeling yucky all of the time.  I want to feel better and I know that in order to do that, I need to start making healthier food choices.  I knew this day would come. A few weeks ago I started exercising.  This is generally a first step for me.  Now this morning I decided to face the scale.  I have gained weight -- a lot of weight.  So enough.  It is time to start making better choices and tracking my food again.  Today I started tracking again.  It feels good. Interestingly, I also decided I was sick of getting so many emails from the various companies I have given my email address to for whatever reason.  I unsubscribed from at least ten lists.  Then I cleaned my apartment (okay that’s probably because I have people coming over tomorrow.)  I feel like I can breathe all of a sudden.  Like I have more space.  I used to get about 20 emails a day.  Today I got two and unsubscribed from their lists too. Getting rid of
Read more

Gratitude

-
I have given up on keeping a gratitude journal about 10 times.   I would try.   Stick with coming up with 3 things I was grateful for every day for a month.   Then I would stop.   It never really made me feel better.   The only thing it accomplished was to check off another ‘should’ from my list. Honestly keeping a gratitude journal just gave me a reason to feel bad about myself.   I would think: “Why is it so hard to come up with my three things?’ “How long before I actually feel grateful for this stuff?’ “Why am I so ungrateful for the gifts that God has given me?” “What’s wrong with me?” “I am a bad person.” Okay that is a bit dramatic but I do know that actually trying to keep a gratitude journal and having it fail did make me feel bad.   So I stopped trying years ago.   The issue was that people I respect would say that gratitude is a requirement for living a fulfilled life.   I believed them.   It makes a lot of sense.   It just didn’t work for me. Fast f
Read more