Sunday, November 07, 2010

November

bleak midwinterI wouldn’t be surprised if I have written a blog post titled November before.  When I was a kid, November was a month that was full of promise.  Now that has somehow been taken from me.  November reminds me of all I have lost.  The beginning of November has brought fear for me.  I am afraid of November.  I am afraid that by the end of November I will have nothing left for December.

At the beginning of this year I had a sense that this was ‘my’ year.  I even had other people tell me that.  Now I feel like the year is over in some ways.  It is just time to survive.  I am angry.  Somehow in my heart I think I believed that if this was my year that this wouldn’t happen again.

Everything is harder right now.  I know I promised to pick myself up but the reality is that I just don’t feel like it.  Connection seems harder to come by lately.  Mostly it is because the words just won’t come.  When people ask me what is wrong I just can’t explain it.  I feel like crap because I haven’t been taking care of myself.  I find myself struggling with temptation on an almost daily basis.  I am tired.  I am falling apart.

So there it is.  The truth is that in many ways I have allowed myself to get to this place.  But here I am.  I don’t know how to get out of it.  I can’t be honest with people because the words won’t come.  The only thing I can say is, “It’s November.”

3 comments:

nicole said...

I know what it's like to struggle and I know that it helps to have you around when I am feeling that way. So if I can help return the favour, please don't hesitate to tell me "I'm struggling". That's all you need to say.

mom_of_4 said...

I read your post and thought of the verse: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

I wanted to encourage you but don't want to end up preaching either. Don't give up, sweetie. God loves you, and so do I. Take whatever steps you can, but keep on moving. I think that's the best part of your testimony - that you always keep on moving.

Stephanie B said...

Thanks for being so honest with your feelings Misty. It takes a lot to do that. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but truth is I've been feeling stuck in the wrong spot myself. So up and down, but what I can say is that I will keep you in my prayers my friend. Take care!