I wouldn’t be surprised if I have written a blog post titled November before. When I was a kid, November was a month that was full of promise. Now that has somehow been taken from me. November reminds me of all I have lost. The beginning of November has brought fear for me. I am afraid of November. I am afraid that by the end of November I will have nothing left for December.
At the beginning of this year I had a sense that this was ‘my’ year. I even had other people tell me that. Now I feel like the year is over in some ways. It is just time to survive. I am angry. Somehow in my heart I think I believed that if this was my year that this wouldn’t happen again.
Everything is harder right now. I know I promised to pick myself up but the reality is that I just don’t feel like it. Connection seems harder to come by lately. Mostly it is because the words just won’t come. When people ask me what is wrong I just can’t explain it. I feel like crap because I haven’t been taking care of myself. I find myself struggling with temptation on an almost daily basis. I am tired. I am falling apart.
So there it is. The truth is that in many ways I have allowed myself to get to this place. But here I am. I don’t know how to get out of it. I can’t be honest with people because the words won’t come. The only thing I can say is, “It’s November.”