At the beginning of the year, I committed to doing the daily devotion guide that was handed out at our church around Christmas time. There is a significant amount of reading each morning. I found it tough to get up early and do it. Yet as time has gone on I have found that I have settled into a rhythm. It actually feels like the normal thing to do.
I am not a very patient person. I wanted to feel like I was getting a message from God every morning. I wanted to understand something new and be able to quote something I learned on my blog. I wanted to ponder God’s word and feel wiser. That hasn’t happened.
Here is what I have noticed. I have this increasing awareness of my flaws and my broken state. I can’t link this to a specific scripture I have read. I just know that I am hyper-aware of all of the sin, failings, and empty places. I am aware of the dreams I had and have somehow abandoned. I am aware of the woman I said I wanted to be but I am not. It really sucks.
I am kidding (sort of) when I say you shouldn’t do daily devo’s. I know that this is a time of growth for me. I am not completely miserable. I don’t hate myself. I am just aware. I know that this awareness will turn into fruit eventually.