Monday, October 06, 2008

Happy Dam-it

I realized last week that I was taking a big chance talking about happiness. I have always been reluctant to ‘admit’ that I was happy because it seems like every time I did the shit hit the fan. I noticed last week that I was starting to have some darker thoughts. It started with imagining what would happen if I got sick again. Then all the bad things that can happen when one move. Then I noticed that some dark thoughts were coming into my head. I fought all of it but it seemed to stay.

Perhaps this is not some defect of my mind or my spiritual maturity. Mid-week last week I resolved to be happy. That worked for a bit but then a fairly significant problem with the house sale/new condo purchase came up on Thursday. This whole process has been teaching me to trust. I am not only trusting God in a general way but trusting that I am able to discern His guidance. That has been constantly attacked.

So I sent out a note to my friends and prayed myself as well. And God provided. I am also learning that perhaps it is not that I am unable to trust. I don’t talk about this very often on my blog but there is an enemy of our soul. I have worked so hard to try and become more emotionally mature. I have sought God. I have grown a lot. I know I am a different person than I was even this time last year.

But no matter how hard I try I still have these thoughts sometimes. And I am beginning to realize that maybe at this point the battle isn’t with my mind so much as with the lies I am being told. Perhaps the biggest lie is that I am somehow defective and it is impossible for me to be happy. I AM happy dam-it


Misty B said...

This didn't really fit into my post but I want to mention two things. First I know that there is a place for counseling and spiritual growth. I also have experienced serious depression in my life. It is very real and is not necessarily only a spiritual battle. If I believed I was actually depressed I would not hesitate to get treatment. I also wouldn’t hesitate to suggest someone else get treatment.

Also I do not believe that God promises we will be happy or that we will be materially blessed. I am only speaking about my current experience. I am blessed. I am grateful. The other stuff like I don’t really deserve it or that I got it wrong somehow is a lie.

Anonymous said...

Great piece, Misty. So true.

Vince said...

great... i needed this...