Sunday, November 16, 2008

Ghosts


I was watching a television program where a young doctor is being ‘haunted’ by the ghost of her fiancé. The interesting thing is this haunting is not all that scary. In fact, her fiancé is not ghoulish or frightening at all. Yet she wants so much to get rid of him even though she loves him and wants nothing more than for him to be with her again.

The thing about ghosts is that they keep you stuck in the past. That is why this young woman wants to get rid of her ghost. What I am noticing is that everyone around her knows something is wrong but she doesn’t want to tell anyone. She won’t talk about her ghost or her feelings.

Some days I wonder how God expects me to move forward, never mind live abundantly. November is a month that I generally struggle in. I have been fighting the feeling the past several days. I just need to acknowledge that I am a little bit sad. Maybe that is why I have this feeling of being stuck. I have things I need to deal with but have not.

Whenever I have a major change I start to miss my Mom. She is not here to share in seeing the newness of the new place. I think about the empty place where she should be. I think about all the things I wish I would have said. I know she would be so proud of me, my job, my new place. She would celebrate my new appliances with me when they come.

As I begin to make Christmas arrangements part of me feels like I am betraying her. Christmas without my Mom just never feels right. Perhaps that is why I always end up putting it off. November 20th is the anniversary of her passing. Somehow I feel like I can't engage the busyness of Christmas before that date.

So maybe it’s okay to just be for a while. I have been so blessed by God in the past few months I almost feel guilty asking. But Father will you come into that place where I feel empty?

3 comments:

mom_of_3 said...

I find the verse I have to lean on a lot is 2 Corinthians 12:9, where Paul writes, "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Maybe it's not that God expects you to move forward, but that He is moving forward and wants to take you with Him?

Love, Lisa

James Zink said...

I am profoundly moved by your post. Grateful for your depth. The loss of my mother has profoundly shaped my life and I am not sure that there are words that describe this loss. I sure have this empathy with you about this feeling of being stuck. I often times equate it to my soul catching up to my body or my mind catching up with my heart. Thanks for sharing your heart with us and putting yourself out there. I am convinced our timeline is not God's timeline. The prayer of invitation is beautiful and may it be the presence of Christ that meets you in this deep request.

Steph said...

Thanks so much for sharing this post Misty. I can relate to a lot of it. I've been struggling with Christmas coming up too because my dad was all about Christmas. Last year I wasn't looking forward to Christmas at all. It was the kids that got my family through it. This year I am though because it will be Marcus's first, but then I'm sad that my dad isn't there to celebrate with us. He was such an amazing Grandad and it seems so unfair sometimes that Marcus never got to know him. I've been missing my dad tones lately and can relate to the feeling of being a little empty. Thanks for your ending prayer. I'll be thinking of you this week.