I did have some very good friends who knew the day was coming. One friend in particular wanted to make sure I wasn’t alone. We went to Applebee’s for dinner. It was kind of surreal. It turned out that thinking about the date was much worse than the actual day. Still I was glad that my friend and I had planned dinner. The anticipation of spending that evening alone would have been too much to bear.
After I left school things changed. Many of the people who were in my life at the time were no longer part of my inner circle. For those who are still in my life November 20th is not part of their history. It is mine. No one remembers unless I bring it up.
I had thought it would never happen but there have been a few years where the date has passed without my noticing. I was horrified by that. It was like I had somehow betrayed my mother. I had forgotten her and moved on with my life. The past few years I have remembered.
The thing is that it is really hard to find a context in which to bring up “Hey Tuesday is the anniversary of my mother’s death.” It seems so long ago. I should have gone through all of the steps of grieving by now (and I have several times.) To say the day is painful seems like I am not letting go of a 12 year old wound. To let go of the day would feel like I am throwing away something very important.
I miss you Mom. Sometimes the world is a shitty place without you. That will never change.