I find myself in a very lonely place because even if I answer the ‘How are you?’ question honestly I don’t know what to say. So I just say I am okay or I recount the status on my injuries (yes I am now limping in addition to the tear in my wrist.) But I am NOT OKAY! I am tormented. I am also great. Both of those things seem to be going on for me in the same week. Sometimes I experience both extremes in the same moment.
I have been thinking about so many things. One of which is how much attention one should pay to spiritual warfare. I learned a long time ago that paying too much attention to what the devil is doing is merely a distraction to looking for God. Yet the spiritual battle in my life has been tangible, brutal at times. I find myself to be a warrior in a battle I am only just learning to fight. In the past I have been a ‘civilian’ of sorts in the war. I have been affected and even wounded in the battle but I have not really fought back. Now I am fighting back and I am battle weary. Part of me wonders if I am just getting too caught up in it.
I have also been wondering if Jesus understands unbelief. The Christian faith teaches me that Jesus came to earth and lived with us so He understands everything. Yet Jesus is the son of God. Jesus is God. So how can Jesus have experienced unbelief? The experience of doubt is central to the struggle of humanity. I find myself experiencing a new doubt all the time. Does Jesus understand that?
Then there is the confusion about God’s strength. I have focused on my weakness and brokenness a lot. I have been honest about the places I am broken. Yet on some levels I have not allowed myself to be vulnerable in the moment. Now I have been able to do that. The thing is that I know I need to allow God to see my weakness but I also need to draw on His strength. It is God’s strength I need to bring change in to my life. Yet it seems that allowing myself to be weak is a prerequisite to that. I am just not entirely sure how to take the next step.
I am seeking God’s will in the area of discipline. This is an area I have struggled with. I have only wanted God to help me. I have seen myself as unable to be disciplined until some switch flicked in me (note to self see God’s strength above.) Now I have been a lot more disciplined but I feel like I am going over the top. I am afraid to do anything that may cause me to stumble. I haven’t wanted to spend any money or do anything all that fun for fear it will cause me to sink into the pit. This is legalistic and not God’s will for my life. Yet I don’t know if I can live in the grey.
I also feel God calling me to bring some healing to my relationships. I don’t know where to start. This new 'softness' in me has brought me into a vulnerable place where I have been hurt. In some cases I need to be honest with some people in areas of hurt. In other cases I need to step out and love some people. In still others I have some apologies to make.
I think that in the next few weeks I will perhaps allow myself to explore my questions (this post is really long and I haven’t even listed them all.) I hope you will be patient with me and follow my wanderings. I also hope that you will feel free to contribute comments.