The consequences of that decision were dramatic and very quick. I came to believe that the fight wasn’t good. I gave up. Suddenly I found myself plunged into a very dark place. I used to be very comfortable there. I was surprised to find myself desperate to get out. So I grabbed my Bible and looked up something in the guide about being far from God.
I read Jeremiah 2:22 which says:
"No amount of soap or lye can make you clean. You are stained with guilt that cannot be washed away." I, the sovereign LORD, have spoken.
Wow that’s harsh…. I looked up the reference again. I was reading the wrong chapter. Jeremiah 3:22 says:
“My way ward children” says the LORD, “come back to me, and I will heal your wayward hearts.”
Besides being a huge relief I was glad that I had read the wrong verse first. I could not cleanse myself. I couldn’t fix it. But my God was there waiting for me. I just needed to turn back to Him. I am so grateful that my faith doesn’t depend solely on my consistent belief in God’s promise. And in many ways God did heal my heart, slowly and gently.
So why was I thinking about that this on Thursday. One of the things our pastor touched on resonated with the experience in December. Yet it also resonated with my experience today. I am not actively angry. I haven’t “turned from God” like I did in December. Yet in some ways I feel my compass is off. I am apathetic. In some ways I think that is harder to deal with than the active anger.