Unforced Rhythms of Grace

Where to start… I really don’t know what to say in this post except that I know it is time to start blogging. I guess I need to start at the beginning. The beginning for me is why I haven’t been blogging. My blog is mostly about spiritual things or my spiritual walk. To be honest for the past few months I haven’t had much of a spiritual walk. When people would ask me why I couldn’t really tell them for sure. I would site that I was angry. I was frustrated that life wasn’t working out the way I thought it should. Somehow that answer didn’t even satisfy me. The ironic thing is I needed to go back to church to figure it out. I figured out that it has nothing to do with not believing in God. Although I was angry I knew I was past that a long time ago. The issue was that walking this walk began to seem somewhat pointless. It didn’t seem to make a difference in my life anymore. So many things were still crappy. I was tired and the extra effort of calling out to God just didn’t...

I need to acknowledge my grief today but I am afraid to. For a few months I have been living in this fragile equilibrium. I am living on the surface – not wanting to go too deep. Now it’s the Friday before Mother’s Day. Part of me just wants to let numbness set in. I could just go to sleep, forget about it for a while. But I know it would just come back in the morning. I was thinking the other day about what I would buy my Mom this year if she were alive. It would be cool to spoil her on Sunday. She would chastise me for spending so much. We would pretend to argue. Secretly she would be thrilled and I would see her using whatever her gift was over and over. She would talk to her friends about what I gave her. My Mom would be proud of me – I hope. I can’t say that she would agree with all of my choices. My Mom didn’t believe in God. She would tease me about being a Bible Thumper, going to hang out with the other Bible Thumpers. But I think she would see it made me happy. ...

Last week a friend of mine asked me if I believed that God wanted good things for me? The question was not an accusation or coming from some sort of prosperity gospel. The question stayed with me all day and into the evening. I had to respond, that if I were being honest, I would say no. I mean I could quote Scripture that says God does want good things for me. I have seen God do good things for me. Yet I could not be authentic in saying I believed God wanted to bless me given the way I had been acting and feeling. She went on to ask if I had been praying, well no if I don’t believe God wants good things for me praying doesn’t really make sense. She ended the conversation with the statement, ‘there doesn’t seem to be a lot of grace in your day.’ That evening I had the Ministry of Listening. I am part of a team now. So before the evening actually starts we listen to each other so we can sort of clear ourselves to be available and fully present. It was the first time I actually told anyo...

I have started to write a blog post at least three times now. I have some ideas of what to say but when I start writing nothing that ends up on the page seems to come out coherently. I don’t know how to characterize how I feel, my spiritual life, my physical health, or even everything that is going on in my life other than say ‘bleh.’ There is no big crisis in my life. Yet everyday, normal life seems difficult. On some level I feel like I am just existing. I just get by day to day. Part of me wants to resign to just surviving, the other part of me is fighting that because going beyond just surviving is what I believe God created me for.

“But sir,” Gideon replied, “if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us?” (Judges 6:13, NIV) I read Judges 6 when I was in Las Vegas on vacation. My first thought about this was how much just about anyone could relate to the question. My second thought was my surroundings in Vegas. When you walk down the Vegas strip there are rows of people in t-shirts for 1-800-girl-4-u trying to get you to take their little pamphlets. People often go to Vegas to escape the rules. They overeat, carry open liquor legally. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Then I thought about my own circumstances. I was with my family. I was grateful for that but also yearned for it to be less difficult, less complicated. My foot was acting up again which made things really hard. Anyone who has been to Vegas knows that there is a lot of walking involved. Once you are in a hotel, it is next to impossible to get back out until you have walked through the whole thing in the most indirect r...

Yesterday at church our pastor taught about testing. I really don’t like that concept or want to think about it. Yet it seems that the Bible is pretty clear that God tests us. So I can’t keep running away from that fact. The other reason is that I began to get the sense as I was listening that perhaps I had been tested in November and December – and failed. So why would a loving, all knowing God test us? I mean God knows my heart. He knit me in my inner most being. God knew I would fail so why would He test me? Then the answer came to me. Next time maybe I won’t fail. Or maybe it will be the next time after that. Eventually I will be strong enough to withstand the trial. I took a course on how to study before I started university. One of the things I learned from the course was that the best way to study was to test yourself. The method I used was to make a list of questions. By doing that, I was rarely surprised by any question on the test. I actually learned way more c...

I was watching my pastor’s teaching online today because I had missed the service on Sunday and I thought I should catch up. I have to admit that I often find ‘vision’ services annoying and something I put up with because I am a part of a church body. I knew that the teaching had something to do with vision because I had seen the first little bit a couple of days ago. I watched the rest and it intrigued me. What I heard was that he characterized his vision for Soul Sanctuary as being real. I had to stop. Most people would probably say that I had that down pat… I mean I post honest and authentic articles to my blog. I am approachable and easy to talk to. I don’t pretend to be okay when I’m not. Still I sense a challenge in that. To be honest about being honest… I am selective about what I share. Sometimes that is because it is not wise to post some details to the internet. However, more often that not it is because I don’t want to talk about something or admit something. T...