Sunday, October 01, 2006
Over these past couple of days I have only been able to pray in bits. Most of my prayers have been something to the effect of “Help me choose life.” When I say this I don’t mean life as in the opposite to a literal death. I have just been asking God to help me find my way through all of this and to do it in a healthy way. I don’t want to live a life in the shadows where I numb all my feelings and hide away. That is the kind of death I am trying to avoid.
Yesterday was a particularly dark day. I found myself questioning how bad things were going to get and whether I was going to make it through all of this. I started to assume that my life was going to get much worse before it got better. I forgot to take care of my physical needs. I started to feel really sick. Then all of a sudden God spoke to me. He said, “Choose life.”
Now it was 11 pm and it is pretty hard to do something tangible at that time of night to choose life. I did send out a couple of logistical e-mails and went to bed. When I woke up in the morning I didn’t feel much like choosing life. I felt like staying in bed. I slowly got up and got ready. I managed to make it to the second church gathering about ten minutes late. When I arrived I seriously thought about turning the car around and going home but I pushed through.
You know what? I feel better right now. It’s not like the teaching specifically addressed where I was at. I didn’t have a profound ‘ah-ha moment.’ I feel better. I think that God has helped me to draw a line in the sand and choose life. I don’t really deserve credit. I don’t even deserve having God speak to me through all of my anger about where I am at right now. But there it is. God spoke to me last night and told me to choose life. I am grateful for that.