Monday, October 09, 2006

First Will Be Last

For the past couple of days I have been somewhat frustrated. I am sick of being weak and needy. I want to feel better yes but more importantly I want to be better. I want people to look at me and see strength. I want to be the type of person who people rely on to be there for them. Lately I have had trouble even taking care of myself.

I had thought that things would get better as this week came to a close. Yet I find myself waking up feeling the same way. There is still that struggle to choose things that are life giving. I am still tired. I am still weak.

This morning I felt lead to read a little more in a book I have been reading since winter off and on. It is called Jesus: Safe, Tender, Extreme by Adrian Plass. It is a wonderful book and the fact that it is taking me so long to read it is no indication of the quality of the book. Some books I just end up reading like that. I seem to get a leading to read certain parts at the right time.

The chapter I was reading quotes this verse:

But many who seem to be important now will be the least important then, and those who are considered least here will be the greatest then. (Matthew 19:30, NLT)

And then I also remembered this verse:

"God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them. (Matthew 5:5, NLT)

All of a sudden I remembered that it is not only okay to be weak but the Bible says that things are in my favour. I am not holding onto these verses because of the promise of a better life in heaven. I am holding onto these verses because of what they say about my life today. I have a certainty that where I am is okay. I am certain of this because I can feel God’s leading every day. I don’t need to feel better to be certain of that.

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