Saturday, May 10, 2008

Truth


I haven’t posted in a while. There are a couple of people who have even asked me to post. In the world of blogging I have noticed that there are some common reasons that people who are active bloggers don’t post. The first reason is that their life circumstances have changed and they are too busy during this season to post. The second reason is that there is some block to their posting. Something they are not ready to talk about. I am more in the second category.

The thing is that there are many other topics I could talk about but for some reason I keep coming back to this. I made the excuse that people were probably sick of hearing about the appendectomy. I mean seriously. It is only an appendectomy. The problem is that I don’t have much else going on. So what else can I post about?

I don’t have any big secret that I am holding close to my chest. However some of the truth about this experience has been so raw that I have been scared to even think about it – never mind write about it. I also have a tendency to want to spiritualize everything. I want to be able to talk about my experience of God, finding God in new places. And I did find God. I just can’t put it all in a neat package.

One of the truths I have glossed over is that I knew in my heart that there was something really wrong. God prompted me to go to the hospital the day before I did. When I went to sleep I made sure I had a phone close by. I left the door unlocked so help would be able to get to me. I hoped I was wrong. I didn’t trust that voice inside my head that told me I needed help. I put up with a lot of pain for a day and a half praying that God would remove it.

I took a cab to the hospital at 4:30 in the morning. I didn’t set an alarm so that if someone needed to get into the house for me the alarm wouldn’t be an issue. I arrived at the hospital and was seen shortly after 5 am. The triage nurse and the doctor suspected that the problem was with my appendix right away. I phoned in sick from the hospital. I waited for the CT scan to confirm the diagnosis.

It was 1:30 in the afternoon by the time I got the CT. The pain had gotten worse. The morphine wasn’t helping very much. When I got back from the CT I was in even more pain. I was getting sicker. My heart rate and blood pressure continued to increase. My urine had a lot of blood in it. The pain started to change and move. I started to cry. I remember whispering Jesus’ name over and over. I was alone and frightened. It was 4pm and I was beginning to think they weren’t going to help me.

When the nurse came back I had managed to compose myself. Yet as she took my vital signs I started to cry again. I was apologetic saying this wasn’t like me. I know now that perhaps it would be like anyone in my circumstance. The nurse was very kind to me. She asked if she could call someone. I gave her a phone number and even the prospect of her calling someone for me calmed me down.

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