Unforced Rhythms of Grace

And remember, it is a message to obey, not just to listen to. If you don’t obey, you are only fooling yourself. For if you just listen and don’t obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you keep looking steadily into God’s perfect law—the law that sets you free—and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. (James 1 22-25, NLT) Have you ever read a Bible verse that is perfectly clear and then looked for some other interpretation? I do that all of the time. I decide I must not understand because the truth is too hard to swallow. The truth would mean that I would have to change. That is inconvenient. It is beyond inconvenient. It can mean that I need to make huge changes in my life. The metaphor of looking in a mirror and ignoring it is a powerful one. What is the sense in looking in the mirror if I am not wil...

The New Christmas letter has been posted to: http://mistychristmasletter.blogspot.com/2007/12/christmas-2007.html Be blessed!

(James 1: 9-11) Christians who are poor should be glad, for God has honored them. And those who are rich should be glad, for God has humbled them. They will fade away like a flower in the field. The hot sun rises and dries up the grass; the flower withers, and its beauty fades away. So also, wealthy people will fade away with all of their achievements. I am grateful for the people in my life that allow me to be who I am. They are there for me when I am suffering. I think without those people I would not be able to continue on this journey I am on. I pray that I can be as loving as they are to me. Yet I also know that when people ask me how I am I find myself afraid to tell the truth. Not to those close to me necessarily but to those I don’t know as well or those I know will judge me. It seems like if I say I am experiencing pain some people attribute that to some lack in my faith. I don’t know if that is what people intend to convey. Perhaps they are just trying to be helpful. ...

My mother passed away on November 20th, 1995. I remember November 20th, 1996 quite clearly. I was still in school. The loss of my mother was still quite acute in my mind. In some ways my mother’s death defined me at school. It is unusual for a young woman of 22 to lose their mother. My peers were ill equipped to walk with me through my pain. I don’t think I knew anyone else who had experienced the death of someone so close. I did have some very good friends who knew the day was coming. One friend in particular wanted to make sure I wasn’t alone. We went to Applebee’s for dinner. It was kind of surreal. It turned out that thinking about the date was much worse than the actual day. Still I was glad that my friend and I had planned dinner. The anticipation of spending that evening alone would have been too much to bear. After I left school things changed. Many of the people who were in my life at the time were no longer part of my inner circle. For those who are still in my...

James 1:5-8 (NLT) If you need wisdom—if you want to know what God wants you to do—ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. [6] But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. [7] People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. [8] They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do. James has just put trials into perspective. They help build us and shape our character. If we are going to get through trials and live well we need to know what to do. We need wisdom. The American Heritage Dictionary defines wisdom as “The ability to discern or judge what is true, right, or lasting; insight.” Wisdom gives us the ability to figure out what to do. Wisdom is not the same as the answer. When I look up the Scripture references that use the same Greek word they all indicate a more general t...

James 1:2-4 (NLT) Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. [3] For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. [4] So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. When I first became a Christian I held onto this verse. In fact it is probably the reason I read the rest of the book. It made my life make sense in some way. I put a premium on being strong and tough. It made a lot of sense for someone who described herself as coming from the ‘school of hard knocks.’ (Actually I don’t think I ever used that term out-loud. It was more of an internalized attitude.) As I began to live out my life as a Christian and come across more ‘trouble’ I would encounter Christians who would throw out this passage rather than attempt to empathize. I could go into a long rant about why I think people shouldn't just quote Scripture in an answer to pain but that woul...

In the past few months I have woken up a lot in the middle of the night and been unable to get back to sleep. It seems like my mind races and won’t settle back down for me to relax. I have figured out recently to read the Bible. It calms my mind. Oddly it also seems like whatever I have read sticks with me. I don’t know if God is waking me up to read the Bible. I don’t think so. It is just a natural part of having the pain from an injury. A couple nights ago during such an episode I read the Book of James in the Bible. James is a book that is often pointed to as a ‘how-to-manual’ for Christians. Although I would never describe the Bible in it’s entirety as a how-to-manual for life as some Christians do we have reasons to think that much of the book of James is prescriptive. The book of James is one of the earliest letters. It was written only 20 years or so after Jesus’ resurrection. The Christians were scattered. Without an organized church they really didn’t know what t...

I have a programmable digital thermostat. It works well except when I happen to be home on a weekday. Then I have to manually override the temperature. Usually my target temperature is 20º. There is something weird about my thermostat. No matter what I do the thermostat seems to go from 19º to 21º. It is the strangest thing! I have been home more lately. I have discovered that if I go up to 21º, I can easily come back down to 20º. It seems like my thermostat needs to go past the perfect room temperature and correct. I am like that. Except I go from the equivalent of -10º to 30º before realize I need to be at 20º. There are so many areas of my life where the pendulum seems to swing back and forth. No matter what I do, I always seem to go too far. I wonder if part of that is natural. If we need to go past the point of perfection so we can have perspective. We need to see the perfect point of balance from the other side. I am pretty sure that the perfect balance is something only God can ...

Wow I can’t believe it has been more than a month since I last posted! I have thought about posting quite often but my thoughts seemed too abstract. I find myself in a season of growth but also of confusion. I have so many questions and not so many answers. Nothing seems like it used to right now. Everything is different. I find myself in a very lonely place because even if I answer the ‘How are you?’ question honestly I don’t know what to say. So I just say I am okay or I recount the status on my injuries (yes I am now limping in addition to the tear in my wrist.) But I am NOT OKAY! I am tormented. I am also great. Both of those things seem to be going on for me in the same week. Sometimes I experience both extremes in the same moment. I have been thinking about so many things. One of which is how much attention one should pay to spiritual warfare. I learned a long time ago that paying too much attention to what the devil is doing is merely a distraction to looking for God. Yet the sp...

Today is Thanksgiving and this weekend we focus on the things we are grateful for. Many families will or already have had a dinner with turkey and all of the fixings. At a lot of those tables there will be a tradition of going around and asking people what they are thankful for. I always have a struggle with that tradition. I have trouble boiling down what I am grateful to just one or two sentences. Often I have to tell stories to explain why I am thankful. Who really wants to sit and listen to me talk for 5 minutes about why I am thankful when there is turkey on the table? Yesterday I started out feeling weary and tired. I was blessed by a gathering at church that was fun but also a teaching that met me exactly where I was at. I entered the gathering feeling alone and left feeling abundantly blessed. To say that I am grateful for friends would not begin to express the things in my life that I am grateful for. Seven years ago I walked through the world feeling disconnected. ...

Lost and found And lost Again In the desert This time I See the Son Someone at work described the situation we are in as “The Perfect Storm.” If you have seen the movie you know that phrase refers to several big storms coming together at the same time. I have heard that analogy used several times over the past few months at work. It has become a mantra of sorts. I had the thought that only God can create the perfect storm. The circumstances at work have only been one of the storms in my own life. I know that only God could bring me here. The past few days I have been tested over and over. I have claimed the Truth and then been tested again. But God has also sent me help in the form of people surrounding me with love. This morning I woke up and felt a nudge to pray for God’s hand on my day. I didn’t know what was going to happen today. It turns out that today was not a good day to be me at work. It was a difficult day and I struggled to get through it. Yet, on some core level I felt a ...

Seven years ago today I asked Jesus to come into my life. I was reading a booklet called “Why Jesus?” and within it there was a prayer where you could invite Jesus into your life. Being familiar with the Christian faith I knew the prayer was coming so I stopped a few pages before it in the book. I knew I was going to pray the prayer. Being ever pragmatic I decided that since I didn’t know what would happen once I said the prayer I would run a few errands first. After I came home I said the prayer. I remember stopping for a moment and waiting. Nothing happened… or so I thought. I remember about a year later I felt like part of me had woken up and found out that the other part of me had become a Christian. I was confused and somewhat angry. I had heard that God was present in all the things I had experienced but what difference did that make? How could God allow me to go through everything I had as a child and still blame me for my sin? It didn’t seem fair and I acted out my a...

I have a flower bed that is mostly infested with weeds. All of a sudden this flower popped up. I have tried to pull this plant a few times and it just wouldn't come up. It is kind of a miracle really. I took this picture the day I wrote this: Fall clothing enchants me with the long sleeves, silky blouses, and comfortably hanging pants. The arrival of fall attire reminds me of back-to-school days past with its promise of newness and a fresh start. I realize that is almost half way through August and I sit in my back yard reading for the first time this season. I have already given up on summer like a broken promise. Summer began with the excitement of planning a trip, and some new clothes that reflected a new attitude and excitement about life that held the promise of permanence. And summer itself brings the promise of freedom from routine, being stuck inside, and trapped in outfits that include socks. And now the vacation brought illness, the break from routine has given me the ...

Everything feels like it has come crumbling down around me. In an odd sort of way I am okay with that. There is a sense of release. I don’t have to hold it together anymore because it is clearly not together. There is a sense of freedom in that.

A lot of time I find myself yearning for peace. Being happy is good, yes. That is not what I strive for. I strive for peace – the feeling that things are right with my world. I wonder sometimes if everyone else has this. I know that many in our world are yearning for the same thing. We turn to drugs or whatever else comforts us to make us feel like we are okay if only for a moment. Isn’t it interesting how when someone asks how we are we mot often say okay or fine? I have often thought how it seems like the question ‘how are you?’ has become a salutation. If you don’t give the correct response you throw people off. Or would they even hear it? My faith teaches me that I am okay even if I am not necessarily feeling and experiencing that in the short term. This past couple of weeks I have been made more and more aware of my limitations, my weaknesses. I am learning that sometimes in order to become okay you have to admit that you are not.

The other day a man got onto the bus. He was dressed in jeans that were tattered and stained from whatever work he did. He was probably in his early forties but life had taken its toll on him. His face was marked from severe acne but also from years of neglect. His fingers were stained from years of smoking cigarettes. He didn’t meet anyone’s eye. He trudged to the back – carrying himself as if he had a really bad flu. There was a sideways facing seat in front of me but he elected to sit in the very back. In the heat that seat is one to avoid if you can. I have lived around people who struggle with alcohol abuse all of my life. I recognized that this man was hung over. He smelled like alcohol. It wasn’t necessarily his breath; in fact I doubt that he had been drinking in the last few hours. He smelled like stale alcohol. The alcohol inhabited his body now. He was trapped by it. I could tell he was one of those people who were barely functioning alcoholics. He went to w...

Eph 3:17-19, NIV And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. I recently returned from a vacation with my friend and her 3 ½ year old son. We stayed with my friend’s parents so it was a little bit hard to remove ourselves from the space the toddler was in to discuss our plans. Like any 3 ½ year old, if we allowed him to hear us discussing going to the park, or a movie, or the zoo, he would latch on to that and not allow us to easily change our plans. So we did what many adults do to pre-school aged children. We spelled out the words we didn’t want him to hear. I guess he caught on because the last day we were there he suggested that we should go to the ‘p-r-c’ and buy him a Slurpee. Now ‘p-r-c’ doesn’t actually mean anything having to do with...

I will not listen To the unending lies Even the words unspoken Form untruths in my mind Words you speak And those you don’t Burned in my mind Part of my identity I will not listen To voices in my head That say it is my fault That say I am insipid Words you speak No longer define me Not really forgotten But no longer part of me

I have been really fortunate to have some people in my life that are willing to walk into dark places with me. Lately life hasn’t been so dark. In fact my life is filled with light. I have been truly happy more often than not. I know that life isn’t about being happy but I am sure grateful for this time. I am excited about my life. The past several weeks have been a period of intense change for me. It is really hard to describe other than to say that I not only feel better but I am better. Some things I knew only in my head have been grounded in my heart. When people see me they ask me what I have been doing. They can see the change in my face and posture. That is really cool. What is also a really huge blessing is that the same people who were there for me in the darkness are there for me in the light. I feel like I have a bunch of cheerleaders. They are excited for me too. They believe in me and the changes they are seeing. It is amazing to be able to share my joy with ...

On Good Friday at church we had an opportunity to write our ‘stuff’ on a piece of paper and nail it to one of the wooden crosses we had at the front. I have been involved in services where they did something like that before but I have never actually done it. Somehow actually taking a nail and hammering it into the cross (even a modern representation of one) seemed like it was a little over the top. Plus I have never been very good about engaging some symbolic act of faith. This time I did it. I don’t know why this time was different specifically. Maybe I was just sick of my life the way it was. Or maybe the gathering was just structured in such a way where I really felt like I didn’t have a choice. Whatever the reason was I actually took it seriously. I wrote from my heart about the things I share with very few people. I walked up to the cross, took a nail, and hammered the nail until it was flush with the cross. I had about a mustard seed of faith that something would ever ...

Ephes. 2:12-13 (NLT) In those days you were living apart from Christ. You were excluded from God's people, Israel, and you did not know the promises God had made to them. You lived in this world without God and without hope. But now you belong to Christ Jesus. Though you once were far away from God, now you have been brought near to him because of the blood of Christ. The book of Ephesians was written by Paul. Paul had a mission to bring the message to the Gentiles (which is quite ironic.) The Gentiles were considered outsiders by the Jews. They were not considered God’s people. They were on the outside looking in. I realize when I read this passage that I identify with the Gentiles. Especially where it says “You lived in this world without God and without hope.” The translation of the Bible I read most often is The New Living Translation. In this translation Ephesians 13 starts off “But now you belong to Christ Jesus.” The fact that I belong to Jesus is not new to me. ...

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. (Ephesians 3-6, NIV) Anyone who has known me for a while knows I have a pretty huge aversion to name-it-and-claim-it philosophies. I am very sensitive to anything that looks at all like it. Lately I have learned that I might be just a little bit wrong about that. I still do not believe God is going to give us anything we want if we just find an example of it in the Bible and ask. Yet I have noticed that I need to find some balance. God has shown me that by never expecting blessing or never asking I have been settling for a life that is not abundant. Not ...

Today my pastor spoke on the topic of hell. The last time he talked about that I found myself really upset. In fact I sent an email to him expressing my struggle with the topic of heaven (and hell.) I was upset because I needed to reconcile with the existence of heaven. My mom loved me a lot. She was strong and courageous. She raised me on her own on a waitress’ salary. I didn’t have everything I wanted but I always had food to eat and clothes on my back. We were very close. We argued a lot because we were very different. My mom had been through a lot of things I just didn’t understand as a teenager and young adult. I can hardly blame her for being bitter. She didn’t know how else to survive. My mom got cancer when I was 17. She had surgery and although it was scary at the time that seemed to be the end of it. We moved on and then around the time I turned 22 she told me that she had found a lump in her other breast. She died 11 months later. Those were the bleakest most horrible times...

Last week our pastor taught about unanswered prayer at church. He asked how many people struggled with unanswered prayer. I put my hand up. There wasn’t a whole bunch of other people who put their hands up. He thanked those people who put their hands up for being honest. I was surprised not to see more hands. Shouldn’t all Christians struggle with unanswered prayer? The bible has many references that could be considered promises of affirmative answers to our prayers. And even without those I believe in a God who loves me. Wouldn’t any good father give a child what they asked for? Would a good father allow his children to suffer? I may sound angry. I am not angry at all right now. In fact I can’t really point to an unanswered prayer of mine that is particularly bothering me at the moment. I have been thinking a lot about faith and belief lately. I have struggled with prayer because I am afraid of unanswered prayer. I don’t want to ask for fear of not receiving. What kind of belief is th...

Here is a quote from Eugene Peterson’s Christ Plays in Ten Thousand Places . “The understanding and honoring of time is fundamental to the realization of who we are and how we live. Violations of sacred time become desecrations of our most intimate relations with God and one another. Hours and days, weeks and months and years, are the very stuff of holiness. Among the many desecrations visited upon creation, the profanation of time ranks near the top, at least among North Americans. Time is the medium in which we do all our living. When time is desecrated, life is desecrated. The most conspicuous evidences of this desecration are hurry and procrastination: Hurry turns away from the gift of time in a compulsive grasping for abstractions that it can possess and control. Procrastination is distracted from the gift of time in a lazy inattentiveness to the life of obedience and adoration by which we enter the ‘fullness of time.’ Whether by a hurried grasping or by a procrastinating inattent...

“I am the Lord, and I do not change.” Malachi 3:6, NLT On 9/11 I was at work. A friend of mine and I decided to walk to the church we went to at lunch to pray. It was the only thing I could think of to do. I remember coming out of that experience and realizing that what had changed was me. I didn’t pray for myself or my anxiety. I prayed for those affected. I prayed for God to stop the attacks. Still I left the church with a renewed faith that God was in control. He had not changed. When I think of the phrase Unchanging One I think on a macro level. God has the world under control. His power has not diminished. His plan has not changed. He knows what he is doing. Those beliefs are correct but incomplete. God is unchanging on a micro level as well. I think that unintentionally I have believed that although God doesn’t change the way he sees me could. He would always love me but his opinion of me could change. I had never really thought about it so much as lived that lie...

A few days ago I had an amazing night. I have been doing this Bible study and it took me to Romans 4. That was exactly what I needed that night. The author of the Bible study had suggested I read it out loud. By the time I got through it tears were streaming down my face. That night I wanted to share my new realization with so many people. I was excited. I had peace. The next morning I got up and went about my day. At the end of the day on the way home from work I thought about the night before. I couldn’t believe that the experience I had didn’t define my entire day. How could I forget about that? How could I become distracted so quickly? I thought about the story of Peter who denied Christ. In case you don’t know the story I will give you my version of it. Jesus is talking about how all of the disciples will desert him that night. Peter proclaims that he would never do that. Jesus says that before the rooster crows Peter will have denied Him three times. Here’s the r...

I don’t usually post rants but this is something I feel really strongly about. I saw a commercial for Oprah the other day that proclaimed on Thursday I could hear ‘the secret.’ I wasn’t sure what that meant but it at least struck my curiosity. So I tuned in to see what was up on Thursday night (I can watch Oprah at 6pm because I get some Spokane channels.) I have to admit that the only things I know about The Secret I gleaned from the 20 minutes I could stand to watch on Oprah and through doing a little bit of research on the web to confirm my suspicions were right and I wasn’t just grumpy. I have not read the book or watched the DVD. I try not to say I will never to something because then I seem to feel stupid when I end up doing it. But suffice it to say I have no intention of watching the DVD never mind reading the book. First of all the only thing new about this concept is that someone decided to package it as The Secret. Most people will have heard one variation of it or a...

So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into his family—calling him “Father, dear Father.” For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God’s children. (Romans 8: 15-16, NLT) The book of Romans in the Bible is a letter to believers in Rome. I am finding it more and more helpful to understand the context in which the letters in the Bible were written. A while ago I came across the text above. The concept of being God’s child would probably not be new to most believers. I have always had trouble connecting with that. I am an adult. I became a believer as an adult. How can I be adopted? I have recently found out that in Roman culture it was actually not all that common to adopt children. That kind of adoption did happen but it was more common to adopt an adult. A man with no heirs would adopt someone to become their heir. This person would have all the rights and privileges of a blo...

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29: 11-13 (NIV) The unexpected has happened. I am taking a break from ministry. Soul Searching will not run this season. I have sensed for a while that it is time for a break. I have ignored that sense. It was only when some serious logistical issues came about that we decided not to move forward. I was so relieved. I am so grateful for this time to reboot. Soul Searching is not just Wednesday night. It is hours of preparation and follow up. I have really felt the burden of being a ministry leader on top of being a facilitator and speaker. I will miss Soul Searching these next few months though. And I am wondering what life will be like for me now. Soul Searching has become a huge part of...

The storm comes It is unexpected How did I miss the warning? Darkness surrounds No hope in sight Waiting for morning Dawn has broken And with it brings light The waiting has been rewarded World is a different place Sun is shining Everything starts to make sense There is a peace that reigns Happiness is possible Grace has brought great things I soak up the sun Bask in the happy day It is the calm after the storm